Excellent improvement

I saw this gentleman on tv the other night and had to ask my boyfriend who the hell it was! I've been noticing that the fellas are starting to clean up their acts in a few arenas. I was disappointed to see Trey's braids go, Mello followed soon after, then AI, now another has joined the ranks of... well, grown and 'decent'. Ben Wallace. Yay! I'm sorry, I was never a fan of the fro[?] he sported for the longest that never quite grew in all around and was pleased to see it go. I mean, I'm all for being comfortable in your own skin and don't shun the attitudes of minimalists but honestly, I was wondering just how long he was going to hang on to his 'crown and glory'. I guess in this case, jumping on the band wagon wasn't a bad idea. 

hate you.

sometimes can be the sweetest words. right now they've got me smiling, letting me know "i'm still in there". only people who really love you know how to say it just right. i know i got you out there looking bad out by yourself, but i'll make it up. hate you too [: just wanted you to know.

young and restless.

I've been re-thinking a few things lately. And I'm not sure if it's entirely because I'm fixated on my current routine or because some things sincerely need to be reconsidered. My process of withdrawing myself from my previous addictive lifestyle has just begun and it's torture. I'm used to everything being so extreme and excessive and life was exciting and oh so 'important'. It feels like social shock to live 'normally' and the side effect I suffer from this is anxiety. I feel anxious most of the day always ready to go somewhere. I'm definitely one of those girls who likes to do my hair for no reason and wear cute outfits around the house just cause. I've been having to do it just to keep my sanity. I enjoyed my time in the house and away from everything, but after month 9, I'm starting to feel finicky. My Mr. works in a club and because of it has no desire in going out unless it's professionally beneficial. And I don't really have people that I can tolerate in that capacity so... yeah. That's my situation. I'm not too worried about finding clubbing comrade's, with my new job starting in a few days in the popular Castleberry area, but I am concerned about the "life of my man". Herstory has made every one of my sweeties my best friend at the times that we dated. A friend is important, but spunk is important too. I love to get gussied up and hit a club and get drunk enough to want nothing but Waffle House, sweaty sex, and sleep. What's wrong with that? All I'm saying is that there has to be a balance. A spot that I'm itching for. Where everyone can win instead of one having their wants surpressed into nothing. I feel like I'm too young to compromise so much. I used to feel like modesty, humbleness, and generosity were nobel qualities. And I still do, but I also believe that there's a time and place for everything. Now is not the time for me to be modest. Is there such thing as having a mini midlife crisis at 25? Well technically 26 in two weeks which could well be the stem of my contemplation. If I could predict the future I would say that my birthday will be similar to the the previous few... nice dinner at Two Urban Licks [one of my fav's], kush session accompanied with japanamation, and a night cap. Then again, if I were psychic these questions wouldn't exist. Sounds nice because it is. Problem is I'm just not sure if nice is enough anymore. 

just call me..

I will not be used. Let me say that now. No by you, or anyone else looking for a free ride. Riding my coat tails while I stress and bend my back so far I feel the tension for years. Not to those who call themselves friends, tucking their ears underneath the wool. Who befriend you for the people you know and the places you could potentially take them. Who click pictures by the dozen because your clothes are the latest and you get the right attention. They ask all the in depth questions in your time of need and silly vulnerable you says what's on your mind, thinking your temporary therapist would exercise that confidentiality. But what you didn't expect was for that person to let their own issues of rejection over ride their judgement. Their envy proceeds them and simple curiosity turns into a tunnel-visioned mission to use and destroy any good that they see inside of you. The point is always clear. It's to make you feel guilty about something. Being too young, or too tall, or dressing too sexy, or being too happy. And when you feel guilty, you feel bad about yourself, and the worst part about it is you don't know why.

Misery loves company. Remember that saying? When thought about using a child's mind, it doesn't make much sense for a feeling to need anything. But then again, if you were miserable wouldn't you want somebody to visit and cheer you up? Mad people want other people to be mad with them so the both of you can sit and compare issues and go through the absurdity of competing to see whose are worse. It makes them feel good to be able to point out the flaws in others so they wont have the time to figure out the fuck ups of themselves. Either that, or have grown up being told that something was wrong with them by their parents, or other said important figure in their lives. When I am encountered by these people in their many forms and levels of audacity it stuns me, but serves as my little reminder. Telling me that just when I start to look into the mirror and think I'm just like everyone else, there's always someone there to remind me I still got spark left! I'm glad I'm at a point where I can do nothing and be happy with that. It took a lot to change from being so impulsive, falling into misery's trap, and knocking myself off my steady groove. But there's no need to dig up evidence to prove my innocence. Because I hold no guilt in my heart for my feelings and therefore have no need to prove anything. 

I won't be used by you just so you can feel superior. Trying to over sex me to cloud my mind. Quickly I forget what's important and disregard how you called me out my name when we argued. And I can't stand how you use emotions to make me feel like you care. Causing me to consider your feelings before my own. But you don't want me to love you, it's all for manipulation. Cheaters. Beaters. Love her and Leave -ers. All of them dealing with some sort of issue or demon. Mostly with control being its main purpose. Why do some men feel the need to control? Lowering their object of affection's self worth and feeding his own need to fill a hole that control can never fill. Down playing the role and significance of a woman knowing deep down that the only person who encouraged and nurtured him was his mother. Sadly, some people weren't held enough, or were constantly told that they're just like their daddy's who left and won't amount to much. At some point, the hurt feelings have to be faced and let go so you can stop telling people that your gucci man bag is full of money instead of the disappointments and life let-downs that really reside there. If a woman chooses you, there's no need to control her. Just fine tune your selection process and hopefully the number of domestic disputes will decline.

Capitalism is the new practiced faith and the 48 Laws of Power is the Bible [if you will] that corresponds. Let's face it, everyone gets used in one way or another. Either in the capacity of good or evil, it's all on you how you get used. After lessons learned, hats tried, roles played, I'm well satisfied with my position. I won't be used as the stepping stone for you. You know my name. Just call me  useless.

i was just wondering...

I was watching tv the other day and listened to a lady's story about the crazy things she did just to get attention from her crush. She heard the guy was into rock climbing and to get closer to him, she told him that she enjoyed rock climbing too. The problem was, she didn't know a thing about rock climbing. So of course, for their first date he invited her to go... rock climbing! She fell, broke her ankle, and add more insult to her injury, the guy never came to visit her in the hospital and needless to say, they never went out again.

This is yet another example of what a 'girl does for love'... or at least personal satisfaction. I want to hear from the guys, the most crazy, silly, 'so-not-you' antics you've put on all in the name of 'love'. 

i know some of y'all are out there!

don't make me call you out!

a fly on the wall

You can find out so much when you just listen. It's true, ask someone that looks like they have a lot on their mind, "how are you doing?" and by the end of their full response, you'll know their entire life story. It's amazing how much people really want to tell you what they feel is important, or funny, or sad.  After years of mostly answering dumb ass questions in the club, I've mastered the art of 'shut the fuck up'! I've always been a watcher of some sort. I think that's why I got into photography so heavy and it's kind of relieving to let everything else do the talking for a change. 

I don't go out nearly as much as I used to but it seems like I'm always catching wind of what's going on around me. I know everyone lives with some sort of regret, knowing that some mistakes were the best you could have made, and some that should have been avoided all together.  It was late last night when I got a call from one of my favorite people lately. After the conversation got rolling, I realized that this was one of those times... for me. It's a hard pill to swallow that my past judgment of people has been questionable. It's my reason alone why I gravitated towards certain people but for countless reasons, I wish I could erase my acute affiliation with the involved person. 

How is it possible to feel emotions for other people? Feeling what that they should when they don't have the balls to? I'm not entirely sure of the answer to that question [even though I'm capable of doing it] but I felt nothing but embarrassment for them. I know, well I thought I knew this person. I know what they bring to the table and my opinion was that they were as stand up as anyone I knew at the time. Turns out, that there's just a little too many bitch-like tendencies that I didn't know actually existed. I listened and laughed at the punk-passiveness that they witnessed but the emotion that underlined spelled: I-W-I-S-H-I-N-E-V-E-R-M-E-T-H-I-M-A-T-A-L-L. And it was so real because now I felt tricked. I never would have thought that a grown ass man would send a spokes model to talk to another grown ass man. About anything, let alone asking for a job. Urgh! 

After I finished my laugh and quiet introspection, I was asked advice about a separate situation. I'm not sure what it is about men taking professional advice from a woman, but let's just say it was no longer fun and games on the other end. I gave an experienced opinion on the situation that wasn't appreciated and reminded myself of my new practice: 

         the art of 'shut the fuck up'

            lesson 1: be like a fly on the wall 

i almost forgot!

I was on my way to the 'southern bodega' today to get a jug of spring water. I walked in the established establishment and found my water. Continued up the isle to the counter and decided to get cereal. I am a cereal fiend. "Hmmm...." I said out loud while I scanned the selection. "Oh shit!" I followed, wide eyed. Mikey Phelps is on the cover of Frosted Flakes, medals, swimcap, and all. Frosted Flakes are straight, get too soggy too quick, but I gotta support my boy! Who got caught cutting loose at a South Carolina school and now every person of influence acts like they've never puffed a little grass. I put the box in my basket and walked up to the counter. There was an elderly man in front of me, purchasing his breakfast of Crazy Horse. Before the lady started ringing up my things, something dawned on me: "didn't Kellogg drop Michael Phelps' endorsement?" There's the logo. Bright as fuck. Oh hell no. I asked the cashier to wait while I swapped the box out for 'can't-go-wrong' Honey Nut. One thing I don't support are businesses that don't support me. Don't worry Mike, we'll work this whole thing out. Lesson one: learn how to roll. 

OctoMom!

Sounds so sci-fi and in my opinion appropriate for describing this individual. She has to be crazy or knows something that we don't to just have given birth to octuplets... and she planned it! Yes, this is her second time going through in-vitro to conceive multiple times, simultaneously and now she is the proud single parent of 14 children. I can see it now: after the new babes reach a level of 'camera maturity' the family will have their own reality show. Included with a large plush house, cute matching outfits, and endless groceries... all provided by the network of course. Followed by a book deal and countless appearances on Oprah and 60 minutes. Is this what some people live for? Find a gimmick, exploit the hell out of it, and wait to cash in? If that's your life's ambition, then do what you do, but can we please have some class and leave the children out of it?

According to her mother, she's always wanted children. Ever since high school, she's wanted nothing but to be a mother. As touching as that sounds it's even more "special" that her ex husband fathered none of her

 14 children. Ok, I'm done talking about her questionable choice. Have you noticed that she looks a lot like Angelina Jolie? A woman who she shares a lot of the same physical

 characteristics as she as well as goals. It's obvious by looking at her that she's had some work done. But is she truly trying to emulate her, or is she... crazy? I've heard of look a-likes and fanatics but would someone go through such lengths as to have multiple children to be more like their favorite celebrity? 

Maybe she thought no one would notice, but right after her first appearance since the birth of her babies everyone is on her ass. I hope big mama isn't that off. I'll let you be the judge.

in remembrance

"I grew up poor. I had no money. My family was poor. There's things I wanted to do and couldn't. I was an abused wife. Just--there's tons of things that I couldn't even mention. And for me to come up and to have all of this fame and fortune, it's just--it is a Cinderella story to me."

Anna Nicole Smith

he reminds me

                             

Of my babe any given day. In this video. He's all about the hand gestures and rushed speaking... I'm not sure how many of you caught wind of Kanye's vlog about the changing of his name but to me, it's simply hilarious. This video was taken hours before the unveiling of his new line of footwear incorporated with Louis Vuitton. I don't blame his enthusiasm or sense of humor, he's living his dream. I'm not really sure if he's actually serious about infusing the name of his favorite label and the civil rights hero, but I'm sure time will tell. The websites say he's losing his mind but I say they're thinking too much. I mean, so what if he just recently hired someone just to clean and organize his shoes? And so what if he wants to call himself Martin Louis King

 Jr.? You all knew he was a cocky mofo during the College Dropout. 

I like the shoe. Love the attitude. Hate the haircut. Keep doing your thing Yeezy. Oh, I mean, Louie King Jr.

[address him as such.]

sober house

When in the process of breaking bad habits, you have to drastically change the way you live. If you shop a lot and want to cut back, it might not be a good idea to meet your friend at the mall to 'keep her company' while she shops. Rules have to be made and set and you can definitely expect sacrifice. Before the new year came, I knew exactly what needed to be done to make this year a better one for me. I knew the dormant, dominant side of me really has to come out in order to make what I want in my life to happen. The major things that I wanted to change has, or is in the process of changing, but there's a hump that I can't seem to get over. I'm still hanging on to people and situations that so need to be leg go. Things that I feel are drastically holding me back from living the life I want to. I'm not sure if it's feelings I'm trying to spare or what but I have to get in mode to over ride those feelings and start being a little more selfish. That's something that I can say I've never really been. At least not in a long time. It used to seem ridiculous to me to make such a big fuss. But after waiting for someone else to cherish me and do the things I wished they would, I understand how someone could get so wrapped up in themselves. 

The feeling of making someone else smile and feel good is unlike nothing else I've experienced but lately I haven't been smiling much. All because of this one thing. So for the umpteenth time, there's no "nice" way of going about the inevitable. There's never a right "time" for anything. The feeling of helping other people has been my addiction for so long, but let's get serious, there's no making anyone else happy if my tank is on low. So the good foot is what I'm on before I'm left with yet another regret.

This shit is going to be like rehab. For real. Life with no distractions is gonna be a little... boring.

part time lover

Little fun fact about me: when I was 5 my family and I moved to South Dakota and lived there for two years. Yeah, different I know. As much for us as it is for the rest of you I'm sure. Of course, I had nothing but white and native american friends and was surrounded by 'heartland's' culture. The legal age to drive was 14 and most who qualified used theirs to help out, driving tractors at their family farm. Scary. I'm so lucky that I was just a kid and had fun regardless, because I couldn't imagine coming of age there. My sister however wasn't so lucky [: My bestest friend in the world to hang out with was Stacey. I remember her blond hair and blue eyes like we just had lunch earlier today. Besides play basketball and laugh at her dad's deck of naked playing cards, we listened to music. We were the biggest New Kids on the Block fans. Way too young for concerts, but we jammed in her room while dancing with their posters every chance we got. Call it corny. I don't care.They had style, and I was about 6 . They were the my first fantasy guys.

The first official boy band that set the trend of hot acts that fade fast. I outgrew the 'Kids' and moved to another city and another group.... so the other day I'm flipping through my free cable channels and caught the new New Kids on the Block song 'Single' feat. Ne-yo. I think it was Polo's build up that made me not habitually flip. Then I saw the collage of my guys, in a nice chic nightclub, and then Donnie Wahlberg [Mark-e's big brother] got on the mic and.. Okay, let me stop. What can I say, it did it for me. The song's great. I haven't checked the album out yet, but I plan on getting it and coming back through with a review!




Wouldn't it be great to be able to go to a club, dressed in your favorite 'freak 'em' outfit and meet a cute guy and have a nice time? Get a bottle and post up [for the talkers] or a couple of drinks and pick a spot on the floor. Build up enough heat so your make up settles just right and then leave the evening where it stands? In a perfect world that would be... well... perfect. No?

trading places

The average marriage lasts about 9 years. Don't get mad at me, those are the numbers that I was given during the 6 o'clock news [a.m. that is]. That number is so depressing. I think I have bras older than that. I wonder if that number includes the year you spend dating that one person. My parents were married as soon as my Mom graduated from high school and lasted 25 years. They courted long distance and saw each other whenever my Dad could get away from D.C. Maybe it's their situation and the fairy tales of my other family members that makes me 'delusional' in the eyes of most when it comes to relationships. One major difference that I see between then and now is that too many people are playing house. There are a lot of young people who are so focused on becoming established now, instead of just being young. Give a child a bank account and priorities tend to go a little out of focus. It's the story of every child stars life.

Back then, a girl didn't want to seem fast by kissing on the lips too soon, and it was bad manners for a guy to kiss and tell. Now, you're considered a 'bad girlfriend' if you don't clean or wash your boyfriends things on a regular basis. Huh? I had a homegirl who was notorious for doing that. Right off the bat of meeting a guy, she would be cooking full meals, and cleaning for him daily and still working and paying her own bills. Then add insult to injury, have to argue with him about his 'god-sister' that's coming to visit for the weekend... Most guys are expecting a wife/housekeeper/whore at fly-by boyfriend's output. But I mean, to each its own. I couldn't say that I wouldn't take full advantage of that type of treatment if someone was givng it away.

It doesn't surprise me that some people would rather spend money on expensive dating services or use companies online to cut to the chase. I love the Millionaire's club show that comes on Bravo. A catalog of eligible men get put through a 'prepping' process that offers them insight on what a woman prefers. You get one completely sober date to get decide if this is going to be worth your time. After that... who knows. The last episode the 'millionaire' proposed at the end of the second date. Time is something that is definitely not on a woman's side so pointlessly dating could leave you burned and 'heartless' by the age of 30.

Cooking, cleaning, laundry, babysitting... those sound like wifely duties to me. But from what I hear in relationships, that's regulation. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind pitching in. From time to time. But I'm not keeping anyone's ship until I am certain that 'we' are truly in this together. Regardless of what men might think, women want to have someone she can totally spoil with the least amount of verbal conflict involved. With women, it's definitely a security issue. If we don't feel secure in our position with you, it's hard to be the woman you need. Guys, you can't expect a woman to be your 'best friend' and treat her like a hoe. And ladies, you can't expect a guy to pay all your bills and play with your kid when you've slept with all his boys. It's easier to respect other people when you respect yourself. And when you respect yourself, the difference of love and like become visible. I'm aware of the many variables that have made women dangerously independent and the good guys say "fuck it" but some things have been done a certain way so long that it's hard to say "what exactly went wrong" or when it all started. Bottom line: the priorities and roles are definitely flip flopped. The boys make babies and throw money. Wearing graphic tees with cartoon characters and fitted jeans. Guys who sometimes go a lifetime without wearing a suit, let alone know their measurements. And the girls who still find rivalries well into their mid to late 20's, give the pussy up on the first night, and who only date to find a captain-save-her. No one likes to be taken advantage of or deceived so why not stop with all the games and be as real as most claim to be? Or upfront with expectations and intentions? You never know what the person might say. Apparently there are plenty who don't mind the idea of no nonsense casual sex.