pandora's box.

everything has a price. success, happiness, lifestyle. all comes at a price. it's coming to the point where all i really need in this world is family and my affiliates. i use the word 'affiliate' because they are affiliated with something that i enjoy: the arts, fine dining, money management and can enrich my life in a major way. my role is coming soon. i can feel it. staying focused and confident in myself is the major key. the recession has brought out the sharks in my pond but in order to truly live to my potential, i can't be afraid to swim in deep waters. god help me now. i've made the choice and signed on the dotted line to go get what i want. the problem with getting what you want sometimes is that it's not always what you need. hopefully 'the good life' is all i expected. but if not, then that's alright too. at least i know i've tried. "little one" has grown up and it's all up to me to carry on the burdens of my world. the journey will only make me stronger... god bless the child that holds her own.

i think the saying goes..

“If you love something let it go, and if it comes back - that doesn't mean a damn thing; it can just leave you again later.”

as fucked up as that quote is, I'm personally coming to terms with it. It would be nice if things could go as imagined... but as we all know, that's not how it works. You give, 'they' take, you give some more, they complain. Sometimes you win, but mostly when you depend on someone else to give you the reaction you wanted, you come up empty handed. I had words with a guy I was definitely in love with... still might be, I'm not sure yet. I hate the dating game, but I refuse to settle just to avoid being alone. He had been on my mind for a while and seeing him the other day only re sparked the feelings I once had. Our relationship was the closest I've come to my ideal and yeah, I want that old thing back.

Time has passed since me and my guy, and has been more destructive than any hater. It's given us space to explore 'what else is out there' but left too much room for error. After we broke up and went our separate ways, I lived, and learned how to spot a bullshitter from a distance. I've had another relationship and I still found my way back home, and I say that because my heart is obviously there with him. 

The problem is: time. Too much time and too much fast living equals a totally different person. He's  now used to getting what he wants when it comes to women and in my opinion has become spoiled and impatient. We had a few conversations in the past couple of weeks that had us back on track towards 'lover-vill', but after I saw him pressed up on another miscellaneous female, it became clear that maybe we've changed too much. 

I want different things out of a man than I did when I was in my early 20's. I hate to be the last to know things and as ugly as the truth may sound, it's one thing that gets respected by me. In loving someone, you have to give them the space they need to still be themselves, sometimes that means letting them go all together. But what do you do when the one you love doesn't come back? After you picked up the pieces of your ego, I guess no other choice but to move on. I should channel his energy and just dive into my work but I know that after my life is impressively established on paper, I would still feel like something was missing. I don't know, I could be jumping the gun on giving up on this guy, the ups and downs of our emotional roller coaster is making me nauseous. I'm not sure if I let him go entirely and is the reason why I feel stuck, but it's obvious what I have to do.... again. But for real this time. No calls or texts or giving my internal twitter updates... just the memory of me. Maybe that will be enough, but I'm prepared if it's not.