thank goodness for these two feet.

if your girl only knew.

2009-09-18T18:18:00.004-04:00

as much as i would like to think that all my previous relationships have been totally monogomous, i'm beginning to second guess. there's no possible way of tracking your partner's every move while they're not in your presence and quite honestly, people are going to do what they want... like it or not. every boyfriend i've had has been extremely clingy. wanting me at their house more than i'm at my own, wanting me to hold them, or stroke their hair, riding to business meetings and studio sessions, the whole nine.

but what if all of those requests were a defense mechanism to camoflauge some shady behavior?

since i am officially a single, cynical woman living in atlanta, i have to stop riding my own jock to add this as a possibility. i felt i did all that i could to encourage our being together, but the bottom line is: the relationships all ended. not necessarily on bad terms, but they didn't last.

the funny thing about 'quality' is that it could be interpreted in many ways, depending on what you find important. i've cooked, cleaned, washed carpets, babysitted children, cleaned up animal messes, entertained homeboys and assholes, and gave good sex. as well as many other 'quality' women in the world. but as men tend to do, when they get tired of the model they've had for a while, they choose to upgrade; thinking that 'newer is better'. the name of the game used to be loyalty; 'down-assness' was rewarded in every sense of the word. but now, the focus seems to be simply complimentary.

as if we need someone else to make us fly... but apparently so. the shinier the packaging, the more likely of finding a partner.
i just wish that the silent confidence that you have when you're in a healthy relationship could actually be justified 100%.

since i'm single [have i mentioned that enough?], occasionally i mingle, and one recently sparked my interest way more than the others. i'm a big fan of truth and once i found out that he was attatched i back away. this particular guy that i've been chatting/texting/twittering for about a month now.. he's so involved even though he denies it in general, and denies his lady friend all together. it might have worked out in his favor if atlanta wasn't such a small place. but it is. filled with the same people in the same clubs on their respected nights. and i know the young lady who's oblivious to it all.

i'm not sure on how deep the involvement is, but i know me and this man's involvement ends here. i guess most women forget what they're taught growing up and settle for behavior that puts them second but my mama didn't raise a fool. if he's doing this to this girl, what means he won't do it to me?

ladies, no matter how good your good is, doesn't mean it's that good. and with the woman to man ratio being what it is in atlanta, there's always some "fool" who get's all hot and bothered and lays with anyone who shows them attention.

lucky me, i won't put myself in a position to become used, abused, and tossed to the side. i do feel for anyone who is going through this situation, but for the record: my age won't allow my heart to make the same mistakes. so when you're boyfriend is sending me texts of how he misses me, notice that there's no response! flashy guys with no concious and a dozen concubines aren't my type.
sorry.

word of the day

2009-08-28T12:45:00.003-04:00

things seem so much better when i'm in bed. everything's quiet, the ac's going, but the comforter is keeping me warm. and i can just relax. unforturnately, there's this thing called responsibility that calls me to do things that i don't feel like doing.

but i want things in life.

and i can't get those things without doing what's necessary of me. the fact that i'm accomplishing goals makes me feel alright with switching my occupation. it's definitely a difference in pay, but the time out of those heels are greatly appreciated!

recently, i've been bartending at a strip club for the past month and i would definitely call it work. i have to get up early to get set up for the lunch crowd and get off too late to handle any official business. i only work 3 days out of the week, but i'm in the process of finding a second job in order to move the way i want to. i miss my previous lifestyle; travel, fashion, restaurants, and alcohol consumed my everyday.

ahhh, those 'flashing lights'. it was great. but who says i can't have both? maybe not in totality. i'm not so 'into' some things as i once was, but i'm not mad about it. i don't think dinner at a nice restaurant a few times a week with friends and shopping once in a while is asking too much.

but again, gotta leave the warmth of laziness and get my sexy on. progress is so attractive.

the season is grind, apparently, but i plan on having some fun ;]

initiative (n.): an introductory act or step; leading action

initiative, get some!

comp. on the fritz

2009-07-07T20:47:00.002-04:00

i am aware that it has been almost a month since i last posted...

what can i say?

quick recap:

*business plan in the making

*trip to nyc

*kicking bad habits

*back on my photography tip

bear with me sweeties....

[ricky voice]

"apple, you got some 'xplaining to do!"

pandora's box.

2009-06-11T15:01:00.003-04:00

everything has a price. success, happiness, lifestyle. all comes at a price. it's coming to the point where all i really need in this world is family and my affiliates. i use the word 'affiliate' because they are affiliated with something that i enjoy: the arts, fine dining, money management and can enrich my life in a major way. my role is coming soon. i can feel it. staying focused and confident in myself is the major key. the recession has brought out the sharks in my pond but in order to truly live to my potential, i can't be afraid to swim in deep waters. god help me now. i've made the choice and signed on the dotted line to go get what i want. the problem with getting what you want sometimes is that it's not always what you need. hopefully 'the good life' is all i expected. but if not, then that's alright too. at least i know i've tried. "little one" has grown up and it's all up to me to carry on the burdens of my world. the journey will only make me stronger... god bless the child that holds her own.

i think the saying goes..

2009-06-04T13:43:00.003-04:00

“If you love something let it go, and if it comes back - that doesn't mean a damn thing; it can just leave you again later.”

as fucked up as that quote is, I'm personally coming to terms with it. It would be nice if things could go as imagined... but as we all know, that's not how it works. You give, 'they' take, you give some more, they complain. Sometimes you win, but mostly when you depend on someone else to give you the reaction you wanted, you come up empty handed. I had words with a guy I was definitely in love with... still might be, I'm not sure yet. I hate the dating game, but I refuse to settle just to avoid being alone. He had been on my mind for a while and seeing him the other day only re sparked the feelings I once had. Our relationship was the closest I've come to my ideal and yeah, I want that old thing back.

Time has passed since me and my guy, and has been more destructive than any hater. It's given us space to explore 'what else is out there' but left too much room for error. After we broke up and went our separate ways, I lived, and learned how to spot a bullshitter from a distance. I've had another relationship and I still found my way back home, and I say that because my heart is obviously there with him.

The problem is: time. Too much time and too much fast living equals a totally different person. He's now used to getting what he wants when it comes to women and in my opinion has become spoiled and impatient. We had a few conversations in the past couple of weeks that had us back on track towards 'lover-vill', but after I saw him pressed up on another miscellaneous female, it became clear that maybe we've changed too much.

I want different things out of a man than I did when I was in my early 20's. I hate to be the last to know things and as ugly as the truth may sound, it's one thing that gets respected by me. In loving someone, you have to give them the space they need to still be themselves, sometimes that means letting them go all together. But what do you do when the one you love doesn't come back? After you picked up the pieces of your ego, I guess no other choice but to move on. I should channel his energy and just dive into my work but I know that after my life is impressively established on paper, I would still feel like something was missing. I don't know, I could be jumping the gun on giving up on this guy, the ups and downs of our emotional roller coaster is making me nauseous. I'm not sure if I let him go entirely and is the reason why I feel stuck, but it's obvious what I have to do.... again. But for real this time. No calls or texts or giving my internal twitter updates... just the memory of me. Maybe that will be enough, but I'm prepared if it's not.

official. [oh-fish-ee-ahl] !

2009-05-31T21:52:00.003-04:00

I am absolutely in L-O-V-E with this song and! there's nothing better than 'getting it how you live' on your nude day! I tried to explain that to the 'ex' that he has to put the 'EX' into sex if the memories of who came before him are to disappear. He never took me seriously....

p.s. the return of the slim video vixen.

viva la game!

2009-05-31T08:51:00.003-04:00

my new obsession.

i heart derwin.

last night a dj saved my life.

2009-05-22T10:43:00.003-04:00

I love music. It's definitely a part of my daily "must haves". I love how it makes me feel and I have been involved in some sort of musical activity since I was 7. I've watched hundred of movies, been to many games, plays, and functions, but for some magical reason, music is the only thing that makes me remember exactly what was going on in life in detail. Anita Baker's 'Caught up in the Rapture' flooded the hallways during my early D.C. years, George Michael's 'Never Gonna Dance Again' stuck with me from the start. Along with 'Wake Me Up'. 'Living off the Wall' started my mirror concerts, and BelBivDevoe's 'Poison' ignited my ego and interest in boys. The 'Percolator' taught me that good songs don't have to have a million words to be considered good. 'My My My' was my first cassette tape and started my love for dark skinned men. I could go on and on until present time but I think you get the point.

It's only natural [to me] that when I began to date that I dated DJ's. It's not anything that I've meant to do on purpose, but it has turned out that way... 3 times. I mean, I've dated guys who have done other things, but it's always worked when I was involved with someone I shared a deep interest with. There's nothing more sexy than watching someone who loves what they do. When the headphones go on and that body starts bobbing I notice a certain level of concentration that's different from the salesman or bartender. You can see how much the craft means to him, and to me, is an attractive trait.

I revisited a track that was dedicated to me by one of my favorite DJ's that is so me and has reminded me of something that could help right now. Things in my life have changed. I've learned a lot. Most of the things I've been going through have questioned my belief system. I no longer see the benefit in [most] people, mostly doubt. There are so many punk asses out there that want everything but don't know what it takes to get it. You can't win by trying to get over, bottom line. But just because that's how things are in their world, doesn't mean that's what it has to be for me. I keep reminding myself of the simple times. When my emotions could go from night to day in a matter of a switch of a song. Hope is what my heart is made of...

another senseless act.

2009-05-20T06:23:00.002-04:00

I lived in old 4th ward a couple years ago. For those of you who don't know where that is, it's an area in Atlanta that includes the MLK center, historic Auburn Ave., Edgewood Blvd., ect. There was a little corner store that was right across the street from the building I lived in that I visited daily. I was crossing the street to go back inside my apartment when a two seater mercedes benz pulls up beside the sidewalk and stop. I continued my path to the building and I had to pass the car to get there. Needless to say, I was summoned to the car. After bending down to look inside the window, I noticed who it was. A young, up and coming rapper who's song featuring Akon and T-Pain was monopolizing the clubs. We exchanged names [he told me his was 'Rodrigues'] and asked me if I needed a ride to where I was going. I said no, and he took off. As small and insignificant as that encounter might appear, it was a glimpse, none the less into someone else's life. It's easily assumed that most stars these days are assholes and were skimped on manners, but if there's one thing I can say is that Dolla was a polite and considerate young man with a helluva swag. I'll miss you.

jam wit me!!

i can't wait for my life to begin!

2009-05-19T19:40:00.002-04:00

Does that make any sense? I mean, I've had my share of experiences and have done many things to make me feel 'alive', but I mean I'm ready to establish my legacy. My personal empire that's going to let me live the kind of life I've dreamed of. My corporate lifestyle was short lived. It turns out the economy has effected everyone. When I was informed that a wealth and money management firm couldn't afford to pay it's employees for the past pay period I knew it was time to take matters into my own hands. I went back to my quick financial solution [i.e. the club] after a six month hiatus. I still feel the same about wanting a job vs. a career, because the "trap" is exactly that... a trap. There's no real future or advancement and who wants to spend their entire life being that sort of 'yes man'? Regardless of what most will think and say, no one's going to take care of me better than me. And at this point in time, I'm not trying to be 'saved'. I mean, if someone sees the potential in me and has the time to be there in the way they say, then they can help out. But I no longer believe sugar daddies exist. After the illusion is created [good food, bottles at the club, a few extra dollars] and you decide to compromise yourself, the object of the game is completed, because he can control the entire situation.

Calls get ignored, waiting all day for your "allowance", cell phone and cars in their name are the protocol for the modern day sugar daddy.

It sounds real glamorous to live on someone else's ticket. I mean, playing someone's doll can be very fun... until they get tired of the attitude that we all get when we're comfortable, and realize that there's other pussy available. And all the trips, shopping sprees, and furnished apartments were all tools to control you. At the end of most affairs with sugar daddies, the mistress is none the wiser. She posesses no useful knowledge on how to maintain the lifestyle she now requires. I respect the message in songs like "miss independent", "she got her own" because it's saying what's ultimately respected. Whether it's accepted or not, respect is one thing that definitely screams: LONGEVITY.

In the past few days, I've met a couple 'captain save 'em's who sound real interested in furthering my cause. What I try to explain [because I like to be clear] is that I have officially reached jaded. My eyes have been opened. I have seen the light! Bottom line: I'm not as naive as I look and I know the difference between a man who wants to be with me, and a man who wants to play with me. I want to invest my time in someone who's going to teach me something and support my dreams. It's such a turn off when a guy can't even wait 24 hours before he's pressing all on you and expected the whole rump roast and potatoes.

Every VIP in my life always advices me to focus on something, and go for it! Sounds easy enough, and it would be if I weren't interested in so many things. My business minded friends tell me to go where the money is. My creative friends tell me to follow my heart and do something I love. Why can't I do both? They make it sound so: "one of the other". But maybe for right now, that's how I have to look at things, because I'm starting to feel my age with every order or buffalo wings and I can't trust the government for my retirement plan. So... yeah. School has been on my mind for a while now, and it's about time I finish that chapter of my life anyway. I'm narrowing down my major, which used to be journalism, but doesn't seem to be necessary anymore. I'll have something singled out sooner than later. until then...

cry baby.

2009-05-18T16:27:00.004-04:00

It's around 5 a.m. and I'm just now taking off my make up from the night before. I don't know why I do stuff like that, but thank God I have good skin. I've had a lot on my mind lately. So thick and heavy that I just want to sit up in the house and think and be alone. I passed up recent clubbing and a few trips because I just don't feel ready. I know now more than ever that I need to do what I have to or else I'm going to keep getting into the same nonsense that's been causing me aggravation and has been wasting a lot of my time. I think I've got the 'reason' for the course of unfortunate events. Especially about the people that have come and gone from my life in the past 3 years. I honestly didn't know what made them spread rumors to make themselves look better when all I did was be a friend, or why certain relationships didn't work out and others have been re sparked... maybe God needed me to surround myself with dynamic people who can handle rain until I get to my sunshine.

When I always had somewhere to go, money to make it happen, and an 'issue' that needed solving, I always had

someone right there, to keep me company. O my how I've grown. I had so many faux-ships that were built on sheer convenience. My mentality behind sharing my world with others was that I wished I didn't have to figure everything out myself. But I can honestly say that I'm much more reserved about my abilities and acquaintances nowadays and my stand off-ish behavior keeps a lot of bullshit away from me. Personally, I like it. It's not a permanent disposition, I don't mind helping those who are helping themselves. Even though these people had the opportunity to use me then, we both know they don't posses the qualities in people that I need in my life right now: honesty, compassion, loyalty. There's no better advice than from previous mishaps and from people who actually care. Having the time to and for myself has given me the strength to do better.

On my previous post, I mentioned the issue that has recently developed in my family. One huge 'plus' for having many family members is that there's always someone to pick up the slack if you fall onto hard times. Even though she wouldn't readily admit, my sister has developed a drinking problem and is presently being held in East Point for a dui. Needless to say, my Mom officially has full custody over my nephew and nieces. We as a family felt this was necessary over a number of instances and we couldn't afford to wait this one out. My background check is being ran since I spend some time there and big sis is in the process of getting it together. Whether she knows it or not. I just feel like this is what was needed in order to remind her of all the things she's forgotten: she's a mother, a sister, a daughter. She's someone who people depend on and love in many ways. She called me last week to see if I would go to her hearing. She said she needed me there. But if I know her like no one else in the world does, she probably just need a ride afterwards.

I still love her though. We all can't help but be human sometimes, especially if we somehow feel damaged. I never would have thought that her demons had gotten that out of control and that she hadn't talked to any of us about them. One of my biggest flaws in my previous relationship was that I'm a person who isn't afraid to show my emotions. I have my crying days and bitchy ways, and exhibit these feelings when they apply. And as much of a nag as it makes me seem, I would so much rather be understood than assumed. The phrase might have double meaning but the tone makes it clear as crystal. Me having my moments helps get over what I'm feeling in a constructive way. I would love to sedate myself and feel nothing when I don't know what else to do, and it seems too complicated for anyone to understand. But when I come down from my cloud, things always look worse. So, I get emotional, and I let the tears flow. When the time is right, I'll tell my sister to be the gutsy woman I know she is and let it all out. So we can get past this and she can become the woman she was meant to be.

mom's day.

2009-05-11T14:00:00.008-04:00

gosh! where would i be without my mom? i remember all the meals and hugs and stories. i appreciate the fact that she put me in activities with other girls, so i can learn to work with them, instead of thinking they're the enemy. girl scouts, girls inc., softball, track, all the field trips. she was involved with it all. she's always there for me, and we speak everyday. she's one of my dearest friends and one of my favorite 'girls' in the whole world. that's an early pic of me and my mom [circa 1983]. i just wanted the world to know how wonderful my mom is and how special she's made my life. my parents provided a comfortable life for me and my siblings, that's what is the foundation for my view on life.

this is my niece zoey. the sweetest, engaging character i've ever met. she has no problem starting conversations with people her age and she's polite in the presence of adults. she's so lovable and cuddly and loves to cuddle with me. she makes up songs, and can entertain herself for hours. our little sweet tea.

zoey and i had a ball at the fair that was near our house. she rode everything, and i won her a stuffed dog ''delilah''. ahsa is the newest addition to our family. the prettiest red bone with grey/brown eyes. her smile lights up my whole day. i really enjoyed having my family here for the week. i just hope everything works itself for the better for my family. i swear, if it's not one thing, it's another. but, as i always say: when things don't go as planned, plan it as you go.

i couldn't imagine being a mom and not being active and accountable in my child's life. unfortunately, everybody either can't, or doesn't feel the same way. i know so many people who have kids who constantly drop them off at ms. emma's house so they can sleep, shop, bullshit, travel, club. most of these activities don't involve making any money, but always benefit the mother. the ''type'' of person could think this way could well be anyone. from any ethnic background or upbringing, there are no distinct physical characteristics. i know i'm rambling but let me just go on this one. my sister has never ever really quite gotten it together. for many reasons. the story's too long. but it's apparent that things have gotten a little out of control. my mom is moving forward to adopt my nieces and nephew. i don't live near my family so i tend to miss a lot, and i've learned this week that my sister has a problem with alcohol.

so much that it's effecting her judgement and putting her kids in danger. i never would have thought that my sister would be effected by this disease. just one more hurdle in the road.

what would i do without my "smile through it" attitude? i have to do what i have to do. it's just a blessing patience is one of my personal qualities.

my nephew couldn't made the trip due to baseball, and the 10th grade. but he dedicated this song my my mom. the men in my family make me so proud.

EVERY girl in the world?

2009-05-03T14:18:00.005-04:00

i'm really digging this song. purely on the strength of the beat. but i'm not sure if it's necessarily an 'attractive' thing for a guy to want to fuck every girl in the world. does that make him a man-whore? or should i say, rock star[?]

resurrection 2oo9

2009-04-30T21:10:00.004-04:00

so this is the picture that were recently captured of pac in louisiana. it would be cruel, to kid me.

i thought we were 'grown'.

2009-04-30T08:48:00.004-04:00

mr.,
it's obvious that the heartless still feel. or we would be able to deal with each other with no problem. it's gotta be so much harder to push your want aside and act the part: you don't care. love is something you can turn on and off. things are different in a day. huh? that sounds real conditional sonny. something that 'love' definitely is not. the smartest people in the world do the dumbest things in search for the impossible to make them feel 'whole', even if part of the equation is the one who cooks their meals and dotes after them. the road you're traveling is one i've seen before. that's why i tried to warn you [what is it about men taking advice from women?], but you put on the 'game face' and assured you had it all under control. turns out, it's got more control over you than you planned. definitely sui generis, through your journey, please don't lose you're wonderful, eclectic, bright spirit. talk more, it results in resiliency, and let your family keep you grounded. i say all these things because it's clear that i won't be there for you, dear friend. but that isn't by choice. it hurts that you aren't able to just be friends, and that i won't be able to laugh the kind of laugh that only you evoke. i just wanted to get along... but i ask for a favor, "it depends".... i don't want a friend who does that anyway. oh well, i enjoyed my time with you. just hope the feeling was mutual. that's all we have left. feelings. whether you like it or not!

*post disclaimer: the feelings conveyed with the association with the video is just general. yes, my heart still beats, and my life goes on. i just used to jam to this back in the day! vintage kelis!

martinis, manolo's, and men.

2009-04-18T16:18:00.005-04:00

*a few of my favorite sex and the city quotes:

“When you're young, your whole life is about the pursuit of fun. Then, you grow up and learn to be cautious. You could break a bone or a heart. You look before you leap and sometimes you don't leap at all because there's not always someone there to catch you. And in life, there's no safety net. When did it stop being fun and start being scary?”

"You men have no idea what we're dealing with down there. Teeth placement, and jaw stress, and suction, and gag reflex, and all the while bobbing up and down, moaning and trying to breathe through our noses. Easy? Honey, they don't call it a job for nothin'.”

“I will never be the woman with the perfect hair, who can wear white and not spill on it.”

“I admit it's tempting to wish for the perfect boss - the perfect parent - or the perfect outfit. But maybe the best any of us can do is not quit, play the hand we've been dealt, and accessorize what we've got."

"I'm thinking balls are to men what purses are to women. It's just a little bag, but we feel naked in public without it."

"She can reach me, but I can't ever get her."

"I love you, but I love me more."

"Oh my God, she's fashion road-kill!"

"Maybe some women aren't meant to be tamed. Maybe they just need to run free til they find someone just as wild to run with them."

"Are we simply romantically challenged, or are we sluts?"

I must have seen the entire show a million times and know hundreds of quotes by heart, and I still watch the re-runs like I'm just now seeing them for the first time. And between me and you, the only personalities I stalk with pride.

and you can quote me on that!

slacker

2009-04-18T15:10:00.002-04:00

not really, but right now, yeah. I've been trying to write 1 blog a day, or a few if I missed one, but this week has been hectic. After typing a few business proposals, looking over notes and terminology, and inputing tax info. on the company server, I'm kinda typed out. Which is kind of unfortunate because there's so many topics that are bouncing around in my head. I'll be back in a minute, just so djih ,akjie .j.

yeah, you get the point.

"happy" disclaimer

2009-04-16T14:11:00.005-04:00

I didn't think I would ever have to put up a disclaimer for my lil 'ole blog. I mean, I'm not trying to hurt anybody. I just write the best way I know how. My favorite cousin and I used to write letters to each other every week from the time we were in 7th grade, until we graduated and she told me that I write exactly how I talk. And in my mind, I take most things as a joke, especially when it comes to irrelevant topics such as pop culture, or the actions of others. I'm not that closed minded of a person that I judge unless I know for myself what it is I speak. I do however have blogs about real feelings. A few of those blogs can be found here. I say all of that to say this: I received my first anonymous comment and it happened to be slightly judgmental with a hint of negativity[gasp]. Which is so not what we do here!

I guess I should have made myself clear, the whole concept of my blog is to not dwell on negativity. To add something to someone's day, instead of fill this e-space with complaining and ragging on trivial shit. The title of this blog is In Pursuit of Happiness Whatever That Means true indeed, but that doesn't include downing something else to make yourself feel better. I'm not here to judge, this is a space that I use just for me and I admit, I'm not always right, and I don't have a problem with learning something from my peers, but I don't respect faceless opinions. Period. This was a comment left from my recent Ciara post.

So to personally answer this anonymous fellow blogger [I'm sure] you're right, I haven't been following Ciara's videos, in fact, "I don't really watch videos on television anymore for the same reason I don't listen to the radio... it's the same shit every hour on the hour." That was me, by the way. And the only point that I was trying to make, was that a lot of 'respectable' people are participating in activity that they would turn their nose up in in public. You see it all the time, people passing judgment of people they don't know. Especially women who choose to dance. But it's obviously a secret fantasy of many. As several other celebrities have shown as well. Dear reader, I think we just had a misunderstanding. That's why I took time out just for you to answer your comment. I hope this explains my position further.

So with that being said:

This blog is not the closed minded or those who can't stomach sarcasm. this blog is intender for the light of heart and objective minds. Feel free to read the thoughts that run through my mind and leave the judgment at the door. Im a student of the world and love learning things from a different perspective. Almost all feedback is welcome. Except for the anonymous.

I can't stand a coward.

no hard feelings. ❤

for the record:

2009-04-16T09:18:00.006-04:00

One of my guilty [but healthy] indulges is to rummage through the gossip sites. I can only do this like once a month because it seems that everybody's talking about the same shit at the same time. I get a kick out of hearing people commentating and speculating on everyone else's life. One thing I've always wondered is where are these people getting their information from? I mean, the way some of these editorials [most modernly known as 'blogs'] are written makes you think the mofo giving the scoop was sitting in the back seat while Chris and Rhi were fighting it out, or knew 'Danger' personally since they were knee-high to a french fry. Like c'mon. If you don't know what you're talking about, use verbs like: seems like, appears to be, I think, ect. Don't lie and write the story like you have all the facts.

Which leads me to the point of this post. There's nothing more dangerous to me than a 'know-it-all' with an audience with the wrong info/intentions. The lovely young woman pictured above is Omarion's new wife. Her name is Deborah and she's had the unfortunate experience of having her name riddled with slander. The article I read is here. Ok, [exhales], first of all, she's not an ex-Magic City dancer, she's an ex-Magic City waitress, and as most of those who are reading this knows that's a huge difference. While working at Magic, she had never taken any other position besides being a waitress. Period. Now, before she worked at Magic, I have no idea, but from what I know, she's too young to have done anything else prior. The blog mentioned that she's bi-sexual. And? The accusation of that might be true/untrue, but obviously has no relevance to the one she's with. So why does it matter to us to know that? The answer is: it shouldn't. The author of the blog included two pics of Mrs. Grandberry chillin', in civilian clothes at Magic City and that was supposed to solidify the whole story.... hmmm. News flash: they take pics of everyone if you're 'dressed up' in Magic. There are plenty of non dancers who's pictures are all over their site.

And the comment: "I guess since Amber Rose is doing Yeezy, the sky is the limit for a stripper these days." Are you serious? So now, according to her, certain occupations limit you for what you can have in your life. And I have a question for all of you: are we really that 'together' where we can tell others what they're worth?? Where do they do that at? On the planet of self-righteous, of course. That type of shit makes my ass itch... don't let your ignorance come out to play people.

I mean, the strip club is a stepping, not corner stone, and like the many women who have started in the strip club and go on to act, model, sing, get married, start families, start companies... Deborah did what she was supposed to do.

One of the issues I have with Magic City is the fact that they take hella pictures inside of the club. When I first started going to strip clubs, there were rules you had to follow on a big sign before you even got to see the ass:

if you were a female without a male date, you had to pay double: nothing personal, but there's too many females who go to strip clubs just to catch their next 'baller', and look @ the dancers like they're crazy.
no cameras allowed: period. not even on your phone [and guys are actually lame/bold enough to hold a flip phone up, flash bright as all outdoors, and try to take a picture of their dance. the smell of your cologne, 'desperation' is making my eyes water
2 drink minimum: you had to come in there and do something. and if you didn't, your waitress had the power to have you kicked out. matter of fact, you disrespect anyone while you were in their space [bouncer, dancer, waitress] and you would be kicked out.

Oh how times have changed.

Even though Magic has a big name in the south in terms of strip clubs, everyone who goes there should not have to worry about a camera crew outing you! Pictures used to be taken 'all in the name of fun' and the next thing you know, there's a totally nude shot of you on the internet. So not cool. Truth of the matter is, most levels of management in these types of establishments simply don't care about the personal safety and reputations of their girls. I know girls who are doing this just to make money, not become a celebrity[?], and don't want vintage photos haunting them because some hater wants to have something to write about on their site.

But I felt I had to come into my personal forum and put up some personal truth about this pseudo scandal. Debbie is what she is: a beautiful, young woman living a dream that most dream of. And wearing an impressive piece of jewelry! Make 'em real mad Deb, go ahead an go half on one!

everybody wants to be a stripper, but no one wants to be a stripper

2009-04-16T08:30:00.008-04:00

I'm not hating on the song or CC, I'm just saying. Justin looking oh so tasty, like usual, and gave me the new found impression that he might have enough 'juice' to actually have a black girlfriend. He looked so comfortable sitting back in his chair getting a lap dance by the biggest strip club closet freak in the industry. Honestly, I'm becoming a little confused if Ciara still actually wants to be a singer/dancer/whatever. Isn't this like the 3rd video, consecutively, of hers that has her scantily clad and hanging onto a pole for dear life? Don't get me wrong, she looks great, moves good, but I just don't see how this is going to make her more of a convincing artist. Which was the issue like 3-4 years ago... the public categorizing her as a minimalist in terms of vocal range.

I get the point though. This is just another anthem celebrating the physical aptitude of the ladies of the night who 'work that twerk that', for.... tuition? [let me stop]

wouldn't it have been better for Ciara to play the cool, adoring patron of all the girls who actually perform instead of playing a dancer?

I can see her now, leaning back in a chair with her legs wide open while a cocoa skinned thoroughbred bounced her backside.

I don't really watch videos on television anymore for the same reason I hardly listen to the radio... it's the same shit every hour on the hour. I finally checked out her new one

and took some clips of my favorite moves to perform and take a gander at when I visit the strip club:

the infamous alter ego [aka] costume change.

the 'one leg shake'

'the backbend'

'grin-ding!'

not quite sure.

sole' circa now.

'full moon over my hammy'

I remember the time when Ciara let a nigga know he better not even dare asking for the goodies. Now it seems like she's serving it warm on a silver platter for the boys to lap up. Maybe this is her way of showing maturity, or maybe it's simply the aftermath of dealing with the heartless... either way it's the same story, different stage.

apple jack off!

2009-04-16T08:26:00.002-04:00

i can just see a tech perv now looking at this app under his desk while getting his much needed jollies. too bad for them, this one didn't make the cut.

one of the things i enjoy the most during sex is having my breasts felt and played with. sometimes that's all i need to get there, and is definitely a must in every encounter. everything likes to feel a little appreciation.

i've noticed to most men, breasts are out of style like the light skinned man. it's all about ass nowadays, which kinda sucks for girls like me, who have nice bumps at top and bottom, but always running into someone who 'wishes i had a lil mo ass!' one guy had the nerve to tell me, i would be fine as all outdoors if i weighed 130 lbs. i'm only 5'1, and yeah, that might add some jiggle, but 20 extra pounds would completely hide my small waist line. i would officially be block-built and to me, extra weight takes away from my 'look'. that's why i am a firm believer in exercise, just like the lady to the left.

now that's home made thickness right there!

ki toy worked her way into that body and i commend her for all the hours of dedication. because at the end of the day, it's nice to have something to hold onto, but even better if you can maintain the same effect.

i've been pressured [in so many ways] to alter my body. "all you have to do is eat waffle house when you leave the club and go to sleep", "all you need is a few extra pounds and you'd be straight", these comments have come from women who i know try to con their way to the perfect body. they fast, and take laxatives, wear body contouring bustiers, and get lipo suction, obviously to look more like me. hmmm. or from the women who take periactin pills, or depo birth control shots to gain weight. when did everybody become so fucking dissatisfied? either way it goes, the advice 'from the wise' is the shit that came from the mystery meat sandwich that the media offers us every day.

don't get me wrong, i'm not knocking anyone who chooses to alter themselves. but i do have a problem with unhappy souls who alter themselves and then tell me that i have a problem for looking the way i do. to each its own, but don't knock me because i would rather save up for a filet from ruth's chris steakhouse instead of scraping the change from my car door for a #4 from mcdonald's. it's a matter of preference, simple as that.

all i need is to keep doing exactly what i've been doing: eat whatever the fuck i want [jealous yet?] and go for my power walks and do my pilates. this is going to ensure that i stay looking this way or better for the next 15-20 years. instead of telling folks of how fine i used to be, i can say thanks to the compliment of being carded way past my 21st birthday.

just a thought

2009-04-14T13:39:00.004-04:00

THE DANCE

I have sent you my invitation, the note inscribed on the palm of my hand by the fire of living.

Don't jump up and shout, "Yes, this is what I want! Let's do it!"

Just stand up quietly and dance with me.

Show me how you follow your deepest desires, spiraling down into the ache within the ache, and I will show you how I reach inward and open outward to feel the kiss of the Mystery, sweet lips on my own, every day.

Don't tell me you want to hold the whole world in your heart.

Show me how you turn away from making another wrong without abandoning yourself when you are hurt and afraid of being unloved.

Tell me a story of who you are, and see who I am in the stories I am living.

And together we will remember that each of us always has a choice.

Don't tell me how wonderful things will be...someday.

Show me you can risk being completely at peace, truly okay with the way things are right now in this moment, and again in the next and the next and the next...

I have heard enough warrior stories of heroic daring.

Tell me how you crumble when you hit the wall, the place you cannot go beyond by the strength of your own will.

What carries you to the other side of that wall, to the fragile beauty of your own humanness?

And after we have shown each other how we have set and kept the learn, healthy boundaries that help us live side by side with each other, let us risk remembering that we never stop silently loving those we once loved out loud.

Take me to the places on the earth that teach you how to dance, the places where you can risk letting the world break your heart, and I will take you to the places where the earth beneath my feet and the stars overhead make my heart whole again and again.

Show me how you take care of business without letting business determine who you are.

When the children are fed but still the voices within and around us shout that soul's desires have too high a price, let us remind each other that it is never about the money.

Show me how you offer to your people and the world the stories and the songs you want our children's children to remember, and I will show you how I struggle, not to change the world, but to love it.

Sit beside me in long moments of shared solitude, knowing both our absolute aloneness and our undeniable belonging.

Dance with me in the silence and in the sound of small daily words, holding neither against me at the end of the day.

And when the sound of all the declarations of our sincerest intentions have died away on the wind, dance with me in the infinite pause before the next great inhale of the breath that is breathing us all into being, not filling the emptiness from the outside or from within.

Don't say, "Yes!"

Just take my hand and dance with me.

Oriah Mountain Dreamer

It's not enough to hear 'I am loved' by the one who've done me wrong anymore. The younger me would have craved the drama and the allure of someone "going through so much trouble" to go back and forth. The older me knows that the only one going through so much is me and the one who deals with words has forgotten what was said as soon as it leaves their lips. Allowing them to live with no guilt, and leaving me frustrated because all I'm left with is words. That can always be manipulated and misconstrued. Any man will stay if you make the situation comfy enough, but it won't keep him.

moral of the story: actions speak louder.

shouts to the homie!

2009-04-14T12:30:00.003-04:00

I can't wait to see the big homie Idris in this movie! Gotta love a brotha with an accent!

Obsessed: I know bitches who suffer from that disease!

lady lumps

2009-04-13T14:49:00.004-04:00

they say big things come in small packages. If this lady doesn't knock you away with her huge sound, then you can't help to notice the major influence that she has on every single man she "locks down". Let's just say, there's definitely something about Erykah...

It's funny. Most people don't expect women of small stature to have much of a shape. But if white girls are being born with ass, I say it's a about time the petite women had our turn. Yeah, I'm a "lil' mama" but have been let know on many levels my uniqueness. Which honestly I wasn't really aware of since I've always been one of the only short, athletically built girls I knew growing up.

I was elated when I went to see her last April on stage in her total element: brown afro wig, Seven's baseball t shirt, grey sweat pants, and 6 inch Loubitan boots. That ensemble alone made her one of my style 'she-roes'.

I just love the way she just does her, brushing off the criticism

of the fact that she has 3 children fathered by different men, and complaints about her performances with off the wall interludes.

Anyway, the motivation of this post is obviously, the 'reverse baby bump' that she's acquired over the years of offspring and a good relationship with her personal trainer. There's hope for us 'little' women yet!

yay!

the tale of the "happy" one

2009-04-10T13:33:00.004-04:00

I've been told I'm fake. Maybe not in those exact words, but I've been informed that I'm walking around acting like I'm something I'm not. To me, that's a safe translation. I know what I am and say it proudly. The problem is that self appointed know-it-all's want to use their outside observation to tell me things about myself that they feel I'm confused about. People who have no credibility and who have let their mistakes turn them into miserable misers because they can't let go. I just want them to take "all they know" and fix their own lives to benefit themselves. Because my spirit is straight, like 9:15.

A lot of people walk around with personal guilts. Either pre-disposition by our parents [my Mom used to accuse me of having an attitude problem] or are fostered by of our lack of knowledge [my nephew's friend who killed herself because she was drinking underage and was raped]. Being able to let go of those types of emotions are difficult, especially if you don't have a support system of positive people who won't let you drown in your own pool of self pity. It makes me happy to know that I have so much love from my family and no matter what I did/do, they always accept me and is there for me. I recognize a lot of things in my life that make me happy. Things that have no dollar amount and have no substitutions. I've learned at an early age that looks, money, nice clothes, luxury period could be taken away just as easily as it's given. I look forward to how good the weather feels, a cold Red Stripe after a long day, an extended house mix cd. Shit that's so random but so right on time. Does that mean that my outlook on life is fabricated? Or because simple things make me smile, I want little out of life? I'm here to say differently. Money matters to me. Nice things in general are things I want in my life. But they aren't the things that keep me looking forward to another day. Being an aunt, a sister, a daughter, ect. is what defines me. Those are the things that I would fall for any day of the week.

My glass is always half full. And I'm always going to tell you that things will get better because they will. I'm a witness. The world needs people like me and maybe if the 'pity committee' had someone like me to tell them it's going to be ok, they wouldn't have such a bleak, dog-eat-dog mentality, constantly pointing out others faults. The whole concept is simple. Happiness is a choice that you ultimately make. Either celebrate the inconvenient or do something about it. I choose to be "happy" because I chose to believe there's something bigger than me. Something bigger than designer shoes and fancy cars. Thinking of my unborn children and all the people I plan on helping throughout my lifetime makes me smile.

I say I'm "happy" because I am. In my heart, I really am. And no, everyday doesn't go my way. But it's mine all the same to make into whatever I please. That could be either bad, with mishaps and sour expressions, or good with roller skating and family movie night. The choice is yours.

It's a shame that people don't believe that I am genuinely happy; with the way things turned out thus far. And for all of those who have so much hate in their hearts that they hope I'm less than what I am, can shove that shit where it don't shine.

In Pursuit of Happiness Whatever That Means.

this is what is means to me... what does it mean to you?

an optimists' prayer:

2009-04-10T01:36:00.007-04:00

may we never let the things we can't have,

don't have, or shouldn't have,

spoil our enjoyment of the things we do have

and can have.

as we value our happiness let us not forget it,

for one of the greatest lessons in life

is learning to be happy

without the things we cannot, should not have.

- richard l. evans

i dash not

2009-04-09T18:05:00.003-04:00

Have you heard that Kim is coming out with a fragrance? I'm sorry, but if I decided to not smell like myself and opted for a celeb instead, it would not be this one. It probably smells like a mixture of greed and Reggie's ball sack. And what's up with her always excluding her sisters from the equation? I catch the mini marathons that vh1 plays and the last time I checked both Kourtney and Khloe could hold their own. But Kim wants to be the super hero that is the cause for everyone's come up and it's just not necessary. It shows how self absorbed she appears to be.

I think Kourt and Khloe should team up and come out with something that involves keeping their clothes on!

ask and you shall receive

2009-04-09T13:58:00.011-04:00

There were many places I looked in during my window shopping escapade this past Sunday. I needed some inspiration to keep me moving in the direction I'm in. I don't know about y'all but new merchandise is aaaalll the inspiration I need. And it was a nice trail for my new acquaintance and I to walk while we talked about everything for hours. I made comments about items that I would like to get in the future [in between the heavy topics] and just enjoyed myself. Since then, I've been busy researching things for work, eating, sleeping, and smiling more than I remember in a long time. In addition to my good mood, I got a little extra something special. Just cause.

"stick together"

peek a boo

here she is

how cute!

My very own BlackBerry Curve 8900. Just what I wanted and pointed out days earlier while at the mall. I'm not used to people who say they like me actually show me that they like me, by listening and applying what they've learned. And no, it's not the fact that the retail value reaches in the hundreds, but because he knew that that's what I wanted. And I could tell my reaction was all the repayment he needed.

my favorite features [thus far]:

full web browser

telenav gps

"on the hip" email

3.2 mega pxl camera

apps and more apps

ticketmaster

I've been out of the loop when it comes to the whole mobile social networks so I have no clue what the deal is with all the different messaging. Even though I've gotten requests, I don't think twitter is in my future, but I'm open for aol and blackberry chats.

Oh I adore my new phone and tuck it in at night in it's little black case. I wonder how long it'll actually stay titanium. Thanks again hun for listening to me!

I wonder who's gonna take my vacant fave 2 spots???

sex is on my mind

2009-04-09T12:50:00.008-04:00

I've been thinking about sex lately. What it means, the level of importance it's reached on my personal list, how taboo its become, how it still makes grown people uncomfortable. How folks are still unaware of their own preferences, how it's everywhere. Recently, I've had an encounter that definitely qualified as an 'exhale' moment. In my previous relationships I was afraid to tell my lover what I liked. I never told them when something just wasn't working for me. I would just move with them and enjoy the smell of their skin, the warmth of their body, and that would be enough. I don't know, I really didn't want to bruise the fragile male ego and fuck up our sex life in the future. Now guys, before you get upset, most of you don't know how to take constructive criticism when it comes to the bedroom. Tv has lied to men so much by making them believe that as soon as they climb on top/side/behind, whatever, the sensation of their 'member' is so euphoric that the girl starts going crazy and a few minutes later, she's climaxing. Sorry to disappoint, but that's not how it works at all. I've had to throw the "F" word in so many anxious encounters. Foreplay is so important fellas, stop being selfish and get with the movement!

Since we have the honor of bearing children in the most painless way made physically possible, [I suppose], the sensation of a penis isn't always enough. Don't get me wrong, we feel you, but it takes a little bit more to take us to the leg shaking, stuttering, condition you so long to achieve. Or as I like to call it: the mountain top. I had been searching for the way to get there, and I've found a few things that I hold to be true to eliminate a lot of issues that hold most back from having satisfying sex:

be honest! Ladies, if you like to be spanked and choked from time to time, tell him! Fellas, if you like your girl to put on the wig and be a totally different woman tonight, or wants you to talk to him in that Ana Nicole voice, tell her! You never know, they could be a freak just like the rest of us.

be open. Fellas, if your lady tells you she likes to be spanked and choked from time to time, that doesn't mean she's a hoe. Ladies, if he asks you to do a little role play doesn't mean that he wishes you were someone else. If you want the heat, you have to endure the kitchen.

don't be selfish. Part of the responsibility of sex [yeah, there's responsibility in everything] is to not worry about your own desires only. We're dealing with people, not tools, or stress relievers. Watching someone else getting off, can help you get there too... and you should want to have a good referral.

choose wisely. Pick someone to be intimate with who you feel completely comfortable with. Someone who can experiment things with you, without feeling cheapened or compromised and knows the gift of discretion.

get passed yourself. Every woman I know would love to spend their lives with tall, handsome, muscular men with 9 inches or more, an generous heart, and a bottomless bank account. Every man I know would love to marry a woman with long indian hair [naturally], has 36-25-45 measurements, light eyes, and Patti Labell's cookbook and technique down. But the reality is that it doesn't happen everyday, well, ever. So throw away the list of the perfect mate from 7th grade away and get real!

I find it sexy the way most people can separate the professional and the sexual deviant. Not everyone needs to know or should know all your treasures that make you different from 'that chick'. I've got to thank my professor for giving me this recent sexual enlightening, it would be unfair to attribute it completely on age. Thanks for encouraging me to be me and releasing so much pent up frustrations and fears. Now maybe I can chill the fuck out!

the way she works that pole

2009-04-07T15:13:00.002-04:00

Stripping had been slowly creeping into mainstream about 5 years ago when Crunch fitness started erotic aerobic classes, incorporating sexy moves and stainless steel poles. Now every housewife takes a pole class to stay in shape and has a pair of six inch heels tucked in the closet. Strip has marked it's own niche into society and has developed its own culture and influences most of todays media and many peoples extra curricular activities. Beyonce puts on one helluva show in Sugar Mama, Ciara teased in Promise... and now my baby mama is strippin' for her child! Well, in her new movie 'Blue' at least. This lady is my 'after'... after I stay down long enough on an exercise plan to get those results! She's thick in all the right places, but still looks... tight. What else can I say, you saw the clip! She's made me anxious to put yet another movie on my "to watch list" and I can be a perv with no judgement!

they speak the truth

2009-04-06T18:42:00.001-04:00

get back up huh? alright.

Keri Hilson - New Music - More Music Videos

shoe assassin.

2009-04-06T15:45:00.014-04:00

window shopper

2009-04-06T15:09:00.006-04:00

I took a little trip... took a little trip... to Nordstrom to see what was new on the racks. I don't know why I torture myself like this.

Check out my next victim:

Gwen Stefani's L.A.M.B. has got me sayin' "damn."

I absolutely love little extras like the embossed bottoms with the sea

foam green and gold name plate on each bottom.

I tried them on and walked around, checking myself out from every angle. They went so well with the light grey skinny jeans and cropped leather jacket I was already wearing... [sigh]

but I had to leave them where they lay.

quick history:

the line was established in 2003 and hit runways in 2004. The influence is a mixture of Guatemalan, Japanese, Indian, and Jamaican. L.ove A.ngel M.usic B.aby designs clothes, watches, bags, and fragrances.

Affiliated with LeSportsac ,Royal Elastics, and Coty Inc.

Price range for apparel $55-$1100, handbags $80-$825 and watches from $125-$995.

Shoes are one of my vices... so it's only a matter of time. Oh yes, they will be mine!

i'm it!

2009-04-04T09:49:00.003-04:00

ok, so I've been tagged and by C.c. Denise and asked to tell 7 things that you don't know about me. the rules are simple: you have to give a link to the person who tagged you, you have to write 7 things about yourself that folks DON'T know about you, and then you must tag 7 more people to do the same. I usually don't support these things, but f* it. Could be... interesting.

➀ I was sprayed by an elephant at the circus when I was about 4. The whole thing reminded me of Dumbo... I just wanted to give him a peanut.

➁ I would have been married for 5 years if I would have went through with it. He was my first everything and bought me the prettiest princess cut stone..

➂ Was a speaker at my high school graduation. Out of a 500+ class, I was the only minority student to do something besides march. In the name of progress, meant something to me.

➃ Was the female vocals on ' Corporate Thuggin' and 'You Can't Stop These Gangstas' [songs feat. on USDA and Can't Ban The Snowman: Mixtape] currently revising my talent.

➄ Likes to talk dirty in bed and loves it when my partner talks back. I'm sorry, silent sex is kinda boring.

➅ Interviewed Jeff Francoeur when we were in high school. I so enjoyed being a writer and photographer for my high school news paper. I covered all kinds of stuff, and even did sports write ups for the GDP on the weekends.

➆ Favorite number is 7: I was born on the 7th and always has to deal with it in some way: hence this blog!

Not quite exactly 7 things. Give or take. Ha. But I'm kinda thorough like that. Alright, my appointed 7, your turn.

* I just noticed that Francoeur's number is...

7 ! ok, now, i'm getting scared.

open up and say ahhhh!

2009-04-03T18:22:00.004-04:00

It's hard to find good help these days, especially when you're hung over. I had to break the monotony of these four walls and took a trip to my old stomping grounds, Onyx. Had great fun celebrating my bartender homie's birthday, but paid a heavy price the next day. I knew I shouldn't have agreed to the patron and grand marnier shots. Blame it on the goose shots that came before. Headaches, tummy aches... [shakes head] all I wanted to do was sleep. But when I finally peeled myself from the bed, I went to go get something that I knew would help ale me. I got a sprite in the retro-styled glass bottles that they've been offering in gas stations. Coca Cola is made here in Atlanta and the variety of products found here make it a nice home town feature. There's something totally different in the taste of glass versus plastic. And was definitely $1.70 well spent. With certain things, it's definitely quality over quantity... guess someone should have told me that last night.

i wish i never met you

2009-04-02T16:53:00.002-04:00

It's a decision we both made at different times. Since I've made that choice, I have to play by the rules: no conversation. No contact. It's time to deal with just me. I couldn't help but send the "I hope you have a good day" text, I felt like you needed it. If there was a pill out that I could take that erased your memory of me for the next 8 to 10 hours I would so take it. I know all your spots and I would come to you. Just to see you and be in your space and experience you. Without bias or judgement. I would force a conversation and you would oblige, being the flirt you are, and you wouldn't help but wonder where you know me from. I would get the best of you for a while. At least I would know you were alright. Just miss ya is all. Even right now, I'm sitting at Slice, having one and a beer hoping you'll be the next one through the door. My thoughts have been strong lately, but I know the chances of that happening is close to none. Too bad such a pill doesn't exist.

right now i'm:

2009-03-30T18:15:00.007-04:00

Realizing the error in my ways. Even though I know plenty who get over, I've never believed that they would walk away with their hands clean with no ramifications of their actions. Karma is the concept that everything completes the course of a circle. What goes around, comes around, and so-on. The quicker I stopped playing innocent and quit finding excuses to pacify myself and my ''cause'', the faster it was to stop the cycle of chaos. It's better to be clear with yourself and not fall into the comfort of the cop-out.

Real recognizes real. Everyone that I've met that is supposed to be a "somebody" has not measured up to half of the shit they talk. Ok, you dress fly, or you're always in the hottest spots, or you model. What else? I've read countless articles that ramble on centering around a catch phrase or ideology of what they have rationalized as acceptable. Over doing everything but never saying much. Let's face it: the days of the "baller" is dead and most people don't have the balls to put out there that, yeah, they drive a Porsche truck and possess the accessories that go along with the facade, but pull up to their apartment complex where they have standard rent a center furniture, and have to take their clothes to the fluff and fold because they wouldn't invest in a washer/dryer from HhGregg. Don't have a chair to sit on but you can guarantee that the bag hanging on the closet door handle is the latest Louie. I'm so tired of the disillusioned thinking that goes with this hypothetical. I'm so sick of the fragrance of the times: desperation. Reaching every nostril and rotting brain regions. Desperate times have called for desperate measures, and most have proven the strangeness of their change...

Have been blessed beyond measure. Being pleasantly busy with new terminology and concepts for another job that I've been fortunate enough to get my hands on as a consultant. I had purposely stayed from all things corporate. All I imagined was a cubicle and an uptight boss always on my back. To me the whole role meant surpressing the colors and ridiculous scenerios in my mind and looking at figures on a page. Growing older has given me a new appreciation and drive to be dynamic. The disposition of the generation is the feeling of 'being pimped' by their jobs. After being on the other side of the glass, dealing with my income being solely tips, I found out there's no growth or advancement in the hustle, and no matter how many 'big fish' you bring to the corporation, chances are, your efforts will go unnoticed. So I'll trade the fast lane for a corner office in the ac or heat [depending on the season] and get rewarded by my hard work in the form of commission and bonuses. Health benefits and 401k plans. So I guess the first thing on the agenda: pencil skirts, silk blouses, and a briefcase. I'm really excited on getting ready for the renovations at my house and being one step closer to "normalcy". God is good.

Glad I can finally call my Mom with great news. News that will change her life in a huge way and take a lot of stress and strain off of her. My goal ever since I graduated from high school was to position myself where I could one day tell my Mom she didn't have to work anymore and could do whatever she wanted. I've always prided myself in being able to help people I care about have a good quality of life. She's been having a hard time living in Ohio and maintaining her bills with another property here in Georgia. She takes care of my niece and nephew whenever my sister works but deserves her time to be selfish. I'm one step closer to making that dream a reality.

Going crazy trying not to think of 'him'. I miss him a lot, as a person and wonder about his everyday: if he's eating, if he's getting enough rest, so on. But then I remember that he's probably wondering the same thing: when is he's going to eat, laying around the house with Queenie, doing exactly what he wants. And I focus back on my day. Besides my dog, and a few pounds, I've lost a few more things that just weren't worth giving up because of something I wanted. I wanted to be with him. Now the difference between want and need is blatant to me. Carmen thinks that I won't be truly blessed until I'm surrounded by the people who deserve Me the most. Ever since I've been on my own I've been advancing. I'm not saying that he held me back... I'm just saying.

Can't stop smiling from all the happenings in my life. I spent over a year with someone I couldn't be myself around and didn't feel the support I needed in order to make changes in my life. Reconnecting with old friends has got me feeling real... necessary. That feeling is important. 'He' told me that no one gives a fuck about my situation. Why would he think that would help me? And if he wasn't trying to help, why would he try to hurt me? Turns out he was wrong.

It's the first time in a long time I'm glad my lover told me a lie.

i can dig it

2009-03-24T12:45:00.004-04:00

Kid Cudi - New Music - More Music Videos

This took a few days to grow on me, the video helped persuade. Humans are such visual creatures. enjoy ♥

"I'm just a dreamer, turned true to life learner...

born to do good so others can be believers."

-kid cudi

I like him already.

politics as usu-al.

2009-03-23T02:18:00.004-04:00

Today I finally caught up with a friend who's been living in Japan for most of 'o8. After months of emails we were finally in the same place at the same time. Of course an outing and drinks were in order and for me: social interaction! Something I had been deprived of in my previous relationship and I have been craving for that sort of release. I automatically started going through outfits and signature pieces but quickly remembered that I can't press "go" until the red tape had been cleared. It's unfortunate that you can't go out with a male friend without the assumption of the hanky [s]panky. Many women enjoy the simplicity of male company and I personally find it disturbing that folks actually believe that if you're on a date/outing you're automatically labeled as a promiscuous person. Like it's not possible to be cool with a member of the opposite sex without it involving sex. As anxious as I am to put on the freak 'um dress, I know that I can't because of the jury that awaits me when I leave the house. They won't see a girl who just got out of a relationship that needs to have a good time, they see a chick in that "little ass dress laughing a little too hard with that tall ass nigga". As sad as the last statement was, it's true. Perception is everything and with that in mind, I considered the factors to make my decision.

My friend has a reputation of being generous with money and known to frequent certain strip clubs, being seen with a different woman at every picture taking event, and was made rich young. He indulged. Sue him. Even though he claims to have slowed down and hadn't been out "since the last time he seen me", I guess I believe him. I choose not to be a judgmental person because I hate to be judged by people who are in no place to say much. To have an opinion is one thing, you can't stop people from thinking what they want, but to come up with a whole theory on an individual based on limited information is retarded.

All of this was being added up in my mind during our afternoon of catching up, smoke session, and homemade burritos. The combination of food, herb, and Tokyo living equaled slumber for my amigo and left me watching East Bound and Down onDemand by myself.

I have literally spent years in and out of clubs and I just don't think it intrigues me anymore. The anticipation of who you might meet, getting to wear those new shoes, and flicking it up with my girls always was the motivation. Just to wait in line because the location is that exclusive and then... you realize that "this is it?" Those times are over now and these days I have to be commemorating something: a birthday, anniversary, engagement, ect for me to jump through hoops. By the time I had finished the onDemand recordings, I was ready to go home. I just wasn't feeling it, and usually that means to take my ass home. I hope my friend decided to go back home and nothing popped off at the club. I guess I'll find out on page six. till then...

all ''good'' things....

2009-03-21T20:01:00.010-04:00

The last time I wrote was around the time of my birthday. My over all mood and attitude was a pretty good one, and that was credited to prayer on my half and the prayers of others that I enjoy my day, but behind the scenes, I was coming a bit... undone. Here's the thing: ever since I started this blog, I haven't been able to be completely candid like I prefer. The story being told is mine, but when you have significant people in your life who prefer to remain anonymous, you have to put an invisible leash on your tongue, and in this case, finger tips. And that was an issue that eventually became mutual because of all the people who actually knew 'us' who wanted to see us fall, and have been vocally active in the whole process, but that's a whole 'nother blog. So I took the time in between postings to stop blaming myself for others actions and make an effort to enforce some changes. I hate the weak pisces part of me that hears people out and argues back and forth until my p.o.v. is understood. But after everything is said and done, I am asking myself, like for real, "who cares if I'm understood?" and I'm choosing to completely be. And one thing that I am is open, I know I can't receive anything real with my heart closed.

Turning another year older has engraved permanent lessons in my head. The major one is learning how to appreciate the ''bitter sweetness'' of life because things we don't want might just be the thing we need. Even though I'm sad that it's over, I've learned things that

will stop a lot of pain in the future. The grooves in my heart are constant reminders that even some of the prettiest faces can have the ugliest of ways and say the ugliest things in hopes that you will feel ugly as well. All because of fear. Fear of being hurt or disappointed by someone else, of opening up and telling someone your inner thoughts. The conscious act of making yourself vulnerable. Stripping away the labels, designers, and accessories leaves us with just us. The undesirable truth is that most people don't feel good enough. That if they truly let down their guards and exposed their quirky-ness that the object of their affection won't accept them. Don't think so? If everyone kept it real, there would be no need for 'the game'.. so people conform because it's so easy, or hold onto past hurt so long that all that they see when they look into the face of their loved one is hurt. I get it completely, but can't get with the concept of being chained down emotionally and not being able to experience love in the fut

ure because of those issues. That's one of the reasons I write: to record the mini obsessions of my life before they become major obsessions. Usually after I re read, I quickly realize just how long one thing has took over my mind and it's easier for me to "get over it already"!

All in all, I'm disappoint

ed on how things ended: with one person playing dumb on all substantial points, the other, comfortable with the possibility that some things will never

change, and maybe this concept wasn't meant for me to get. Either way is bad in terms of the status of "we".

There's some things as a person you should never settle for that cause unhappiness. That's for men and women alike, and neither should feel bad because things just don't work out sometimes. That's where I'm at with it. We get along great as friends but as a couple, ended up not being strong enough. Just... I'm usually good at this. I'm good at picking people I'm compatible with and am usually best friends with my boyfriends while we date. Maybe we could still be friends after all this blows over. Who knows. Regardless, this guy inspired me to spread myself in different ways and I thank him for that. Before I left the last time we saw each other I remembered my last project. My first portrait that I decided to do months ago but for some reason never finished. Honestly, I didn't want to keep it as a token of anything so I left it as a gift. But I did want to take a picture just to say: I did that.

"Do you mind doing me one last favor?" I asked.

"Sure. What is it?" he asked cautiously, raising his eyebrows.

" You mind taking a picture of me holding this out back? My camera's in the car." I looked down at the picture, and felt the canvas.

"Sure."

"It's funny that I'm not keeping my first painting." I said jokingly, taking him in.

"Naw. You not supposed to. That's the whole point." he replied, smiling at me.

"Yeah, I guess so. You know paintings and stuff only get appreciated after the artists' dead." I responded a-matter-of-factly. He says nothing.

i can't listen to tupac in the car.

2009-03-11T14:04:00.008-04:00

If you've ever been to Atlanta, you'll remember the clubs, the women, and the stars. Once you live in Atlanta, you realize just how long it takes to get anywhere! And even though it is considered one of the top "come up" states, it is not a place where you can go with $500 and a dream. You have to at least have a car. One thing I have to do when I'm riding is to have good, consistent, riding music. Something that's going to keep you calm waiting for the senior citizen with a huge town car to decide which direction to turn. Something that's going to make a 10 minute trip really feel like 10 minutes. Certain CD's are perfect for these situations: 'B Day', 'Demon Days', 'The Love Below', 'Soul Food', and any personal neo soul mix are my preferred choices.

I was one of those children who wasn't allowed to listen to rap music until I hit a certain age. So now, it's like playing catch up with it all. My boyfriend is big on west coast music and has introduced me to Quick, NWA, and schooled me on the history and inspiration behind the sound. Being from D.C., most of it never really appealed to me, but when I was younger, Tupac was my guy! It wasn't his constant political lyrics, or his bald head that made me pay attention to him. He was the first nigga to make something as taboo as a nose ring look good!

I'm too smart to leave my justification on the fact that he sported a half carat on his nostril. If I say, "i like" anything, I have to have a reason why. Its the most idiotic thing to literally stand for something just because everyone else is. when people say they like/hate someone 'just cause', that's bullshit. There's definitely a reason... speak on it!

But anyway, turned out that he's a pretty interesting, well rounded, intelligent.. thug. Ha. I appreciate his intensity in his music and recording. If you have the chance to experience the whole recording process, you might not understand the necessity of all the 'extra'. The candles, smell goods, women, liquor, weed, it's all important. It's all about recreating the feeling. I can listen to 'Hellraiser' and see him shirtless with an unloaded AK getting all in the mic's face, taking out all his frustrations out on it. That song is so intense I can feel him. He has the power to bring you to whatever state he was trying to get you in. Mostly he makes me think and he provokes anger in me that inspires change. It just seems that the closer a person comes to understanding how the world really is, and emphasis the things that government or the 'powers that be' try to sweep under the rug.. your time gets cut short.

The best thing about music [to me] is that if the song is a good song, the artist can make you feel whatever they want you to feel. This guy does it for me. Just not on the one way streets of Atlanta during rush hour. A trip from Juniper to Fulton took entirely too long to make and Pac's thug passion only made my maneuver strategy even more frustrating.

check out one of my favorite tupac clips. you wonder why 'they' call you bitch? here's pac's take:

Not only did he sincerely not give a fuck about too much, he has the best work ethic! I don't know any other artist that has countless albums, a self written screenplay in development, a musical his mom is working on, a foundation that has a chapter here in Stone Mountain, and a few books in the making... 13 years after his passing. Guess this proves at least one thing: you can't snuff the messenger.

piece of pie!

2009-03-10T22:42:00.008-04:00

I have been absolutely craving sweets lately, which is out of the ordinary for me. My previous years of indulgence on pound cakes, peanut butter cookies, chocolate bunnies at easter.. had turned me off soooo much. Sherbert ice cream, brownies and blondies, argh! You guys get my point. Nowadays, it's not me that craves those things, but my monthly...

I'm getting older, and I'm starting to feel every time I have one too many, I regret having those chili cheese fries, and quite frankly, sugar makes my complexion dull as hell. You are what you eat 'they' say, and you know if 'they' said it, then it must be true! No but seriously, I've always been a cheerleader for veggies and exercise. I've seen the benefits of that type of discipline from my body building aunts and uncles and 'frumpy' is a condition I won't accept from myself.

Even though I am a woman of small stature, one thing I love is food. As I get older and my taste buds 'matured', I've been more open to different combinations and flavors. My latest at home kick has been fruit. The DelMonte citrus salad is my shit!

My last trip to Kroger caused me to pick up a blueberry pie. Just like me to buy a whole pie, just for myself. I always spoil myself when it comes to stuff that I want and I work hard at eating right and staying fit. I deserve a little treat from time to time.

few fun facts about blueberries:

2nd most popular berry [strawberry being the 1st]
contains antibacterial and antiviral compounds, and has show to protect against heart disease
fruit of New Jersey
can be served fresh, processed, canned, frozen, dried, or in a liquid
a top fruit for antioxidant activity [slows process of aging]
used in ink by early American colonists
best bought in summer time

source: foodreference.com

So even though I said that I baked a pie... look, the point is I made it ok. And it was good.

Thought I would share some of the goodness!

no day like the present.

2009-03-08T17:02:00.004-04:00

written: march 7,2oo9

I woke up this morning to the best gift of all. And I mean it. Life is simply the best thing going for me. I heard from all the people who mattered to me the most and re connected with some friends and family members that I haven't talked to in a while. I feel like it's the end of a long road of confusion and I can start another difficult one. But that's ok, if the outcome is as sweet as it is now. If I had to decribe the feeling of the day it would be peaceful. I got up early and did exactly what I wanted: watch movies, snacked on biscuits and jelly, and text my Carmen, D, and Jordan. I was glad that it was warm outside and I kept the balcony door open. That evening was dinner with the Mr. at one of my favorite spots. We got last minute reservations with no problem [considering it was Saturday evening in Atlanta], and was seated at the perfect table outside with the skyline view.

I had the pork with backed macaroni and cheese, salmon chips with capers and cream cheese [appetizer], and cranberry/apple cobbler for dessert. I tried a new martini that tasted like spiked, peach flavored tea, and had me talking extra by the end of the first one.

I have cut down my drinking dramatically [yay! so proud!] but it's kinda scary because I still drink at the same rate= little drunken girl gettin' it on the dance floor. I have to literally space my drinks out with a tall glass of water.

Other coincidences happened today: Chantrelle's had the "good" soul food sides, the hood fair is in town, and everyone had to turn their watches up an hour.

Notice I didn't mention anything about gifts or anything material because a.] it's not about that and b.] it's none of your business! I just don't find it necessary to find birthdays or new years to make changes or get a gift, if there's the rest of year to get the same results. I went through the whole hoopla of the birthday last year....

march 10, 2008

I had made plans to go to club Dreamz with my 'best friend' to celebrate both of our birthdays. We had been talking on the phone all day, even though we were

both separately with our sweeties and had been looking forward to going to the club. I went to the mall just in case I saw something I just 'had' to get, even picked up these ridiculous ' i heart my bff' buttons for us to wear. Evening came and I continued to text my friend to let her know of the status of my preparation. It was time to go and I jumped in the car to head to the restaurant where her and her guy were eating. I called her on the phone to learn that they were in the midst of an argument. He was one of those guys that liked to control women through subtle manipulation. In tonight's case: let's start a fight. I just wasn't aware that she was actually going to fall for it! And of course he brings in his 4 year old daughter into the mix. And she falls for that! Needless to say, she ended up leaving with him and I ended up riding out to the club dolo. Which I don't mind doing from time to time. I met the nicest white people in vip and they made up for my flaky friend.

I didn't want to go through the anxiety of setting up a bday week or put months in with a high roller to ensure an expensive gift. I figure what might go wrong usually does and if I had to pick a day to jinx myself with high expectations it would not be on my birthday. Last year taught me that even your friends could let you down, so I just let whoever wanted to be a part of my day, be involved voluntarily. As a result, I got surprises along the way. "Gabby" gave me reassurance and a message from my Dad. We talked for about 5 hours straight, but didn't feel like we even scratched the surface. Blak let me know how important friendships are and reminded me that you need to always let the people you love know you love them; because tomorrow isn't guaranteed. It seems to be so easy to forget the people who see you when you're down, during the times when you actually need help. Being in that position is a very humbling experience and most end up feeling more embarrassed by their journey than triumphant.

Even though we all fall, it looks much better on paper to say you've made all the right, integrous choices that never left you assed out or exposed.

I thought I was forgotten about. Ever since I decided to hang up my dancing shoes, a lot of people started acting differently towards me and even some of the friends I had met during those years have distanced themselves. Maybe they feel we don't have anything to talk about. I dunno. Most people have been so wrapped up in their own issues that it didn't leave much energy for anyone else. I can relate to that completely. All the unexpected calls from people wishing my a happy birthday and to hear that those that matter love and think about me often felt good. To know where I stand in the hearts of my loved ones.

march madness.

2009-03-03T21:38:00.006-05:00

.
*I felt compelled to include this clip that I took while taking my Mr.'s pooch out for a squat. Yeah, I didn't have to, but aren't you glad I did...?

An out of the ordinary event occurred yesterday for every true atlien. We got snow that actually stuck! I don't mean the powdered sugared shit that hits the ground and then is gone, but the big, oatmeal flakes that fuck up your vision if they fly into your eye. Seeing snow wasn't personally shocking. Growing up on the east coast and midwest I've seen many white Christmas', new years, black history months. But it was beautiful and fell constantly all day long. I think the craziest happenings that I remember that involved snow was back in 1990 is South Dakota. We received enough hail to have snowball fights in July! Of course in the south, we're not completely prepared for unexpected weather. We have no salt trucks, maybe a handful of plow-like machines. Schools, churches, and some businesses closed for the day. I wonder what Mayor Franklin would have done if we all woke up to this:

I remained inside, drinking all things that are warm and watched the people on the street drive with super caution. By the next morning, things were basically back to normal. The melting snow sounded like the perfect rainstorm.

feed my dreams

2009-03-02T13:54:00.006-05:00

Everybody needs somebody... sometimes. And if it's not a 'one' it's a 'thing'. Everyone needs some force to drive them to improvement. It cracks me up to read on Myspace that people are"self made". Really? So you were the one who made your skin thick? Or taught you who to trust? Let me guess, you were on the lucky ones who were born with what they call "swagger" by elementary. The fitted jeans and fitted long john shirt was something you just "threw on". And your vernacular has nothing to do with your peers. I mean, am I the only one who's ready to come clean about the makings of me? I use everything around me for motivation; good and bad. Some people think they don't need to learn anything from anyone, but everyone has something to offer. It's all on you to choose what to take. It's easier to look at negative things and see what you don't want for yourself or simply take lumps as lessons learned than most think. To come out on

top, instead of accepted stumbling blocks as defeat.

Why does it seem like it takes so long for some lessons to stick? Today a valuable one sunk in deep, all the way past the white meat. I know I need a lot. One of the things I know I need is encouragement. Especially when it comes to something I'm serious about like my music or job frustrations. I learned during a conversation with a friend that my enthusiasm or open mindedness is not always appreciated. I don't consider myself an energizer bunny of good will and my switch isn't always on. I get tired. I don't answer the phone. But I pride myself on being receptive on people's needs. I know when someone deserves to be angry, and when they're just being a brat and want to be spoiled. I ask off the wall but relevant questions to inspire something. But I learned that some people just don't want to hear it and would rather stay on their own track of thinking. That's fine.

Let me tell you my preference: feed my dream. Don't kiss my ass but give me what I need. I want my ideas to have partners and neighbors to spark their intellect. And I will continue to nourish them by asking questions and google searching. Until they're full and fat and grow big and strong. Don't shoot me down. That will only piss me off and feed the dynamo you can't see. Because I'm using everything as a tool. I have nothing left to do but hurl the rock you staged as your heart back at you. Leaving you bruised and me, world's lighter.

The world is your oyster. Take what you can to benefit yourself as a person and get the hell on. No on has time to hear the problems that seem never ending. Most of us still have dreaming to do.

i like white boys who know how to pop

2009-03-01T13:01:00.007-05:00

A few days ago I was watching America's Next Best Dance Crew and caught a routine before Lil Mama's annoying two pennies. A co-ed group of dancers entered the stage in vintage suits, chiffon prom dresses, and tennis shoes. Most of them were white and they added a twist by including a deaf asian [who lost his hearing aid during the previous round]. They play the music and start the routine. Damn, that asian boy is getting it! He's throwing in the "what bitch" face and everything! I was zeroed in on him, hoping he didn't miss a beat, when the routine transitioned and placed him in the back. The group then [boys and girls] turned around, dropped, and gave me.... well at least 20. All I could see were parallel thighs, a pulsating back bone, and the end of 'his' powder blue jacket create a hump that I'd never noticed on the guy before. And it disappeared. And resurfaced. Oh shit! That's his ass! How cute!

Now before you start looking all sideways, understand what I mean: I love men in every sense of the word and there's nothing better than a manly man but I find it absolutely sexy when a man can let his guard down and pull something... unexpected from his pocket. Ain't nothin' wrong with serving your girl with a little spin move in the kitchen in your socks to make her laugh. Or a little strip tease in the bedroom with the lights down low. It's not considered being a punk... look at it as giving your girl some act right. You'd be surprised to learn what she'll do for you by making her feel you'd do anything for her.

Boys, boys, boys. I used to be stuck on dark skin when I first started dating. Jason was my first and was a taller, thicker version of Wesley Snipes. Waiting to Exhale, not White Man Can't Jump. No doubt his presence was strong and I always felt safe and sexier than any other woman. Our bodies would be next to each other and I would be mesmerized by the color contrast and think of all the exotic shades of brown we could make. My next love and I were about the same exact color. Which was a little weird to me at first because my preference is any skin tone darker than mine. I'm telling you it's aaaaall about the contrast. Because of it, people used to say we looked like brother and sister [which was so not sexy] but I noticed a constant sheen that I had never seen naturally in skin that made me love it. My current love is about the same color as my Dad. Fair with yellow undertones, clear of blotchiness and childhood scars , and soft as hell. It's weird because subconciously, a young girl grows up adoring her father and set out in life looking for the next best thing. I used to want to marry my Dad [when I was 5] and was definitely deeply in love. But I'm not sure exactly if that means to model a man after looks, or personality.

The trend of my men has shown that I've moved completely across the spectrum. Which makes me wonder who's coming next to dinner? I'm guessing a white boy or asian. That's the only thing that makes sense. I transferred to a 90% white school in Georgia and my only choices were underclassmen, white boys, or people from different schools. Dealing with someone who could potentially be in my younger brothers class was out of the question and I had no car so... yeah. I would still try to show mild interest but they never bit for me. At the time I was a track captain who wrote for the school and county paper and lived 3 houses down from the mayor of our city. I figured they would at least bend because of my resume. I figured wrong.

Throughout my lifetime I've had my share of crushes. When I finally reached the age where that shit didn't matter, I did take a friend up on an offer. We had a great time talking and smoking a private stash of white widow. We fed our munchies desire with a suggestion to Bennihannas and even though I offered to treat since he had never been there, he looked at me insulted when I reached for the check. After that, I convinced him to join me at the Uptown comedy show for a laugh, and he quickly accepted. Yeah, it was different but in a refreshing way. Oh Mike, I think it was all the stories about your prejudice people in bean town that scared me. And with that mafia- like last name, I imagined pulling up at the Soprano house and getting a welcoming I wasn't sure I could handle. But maybe that's the problem: thinking like that. Consuming your life with worries of perception. Sure, the parents might be mad to see Maxwell C. Elliot III with someone who looks like me, but this is the way I now see it: they'll be dead soon, it all looks the same when the lights go out, and they'll be happy to know that at least their grand daughters have natural body to their hair.

Excellent improvement

2009-02-28T22:22:00.005-05:00

I saw this gentleman on tv the other night and had to ask my boyfriend who the hell it was! I've been noticing that the fellas are starting to clean up their acts in a few arenas. I was disappointed to see Trey's braids go, Mello followed soon after, then AI, now another has joined the ranks of... well, grown and 'decent'. Ben Wallace. Yay! I'm sorry, I was never a fan of the fro[?] he sported for the longest that never quite grew in all around and was pleased to see it go. I mean, I'm all for being comfortable in your own skin and don't shun the attitudes of minimalists but honestly, I was wondering just how long he was going to hang on to his 'crown and glory'. I guess in this case, jumping on the band wagon wasn't a bad idea.

hate you.

2009-02-25T01:01:00.002-05:00

sometimes can be the sweetest words. right now they've got me smiling, letting me know "i'm still in there". only people who really love you know how to say it just right. i know i got you out there looking bad out by yourself, but i'll make it up. hate you too [: just wanted you to know.

young and restless.

2009-02-23T20:57:00.005-05:00

I've been re-thinking a few things lately. And I'm not sure if it's entirely because I'm fixated on my current routine or because some things sincerely need to be reconsidered. My process of withdrawing myself from my previous addictive lifestyle has just begun and it's torture. I'm used to everything being so extreme and excessive and life was exciting and oh so 'important'. It feels like social shock to live 'normally' and the side effect I suffer from this is anxiety. I feel anxious most of the day always ready to go somewhere. I'm definitely one of those girls who likes to do my hair for no reason and wear cute outfits around the house just cause. I've been having to do it just to keep my sanity. I enjoyed my time in the house and away from everything, but after month 9, I'm starting to feel finicky. My Mr. works in a club and because of it has no desire in going out unless it's professionally beneficial. And I don't really have people that I can tolerate in that capacity so... yeah. That's my situation. I'm not too worried about finding clubbing comrade's, with my new job starting in a few days in the popular Castleberry area, but I am concerned about the "life of my man". Herstory has made every one of my sweeties my best friend at the times that we dated. A friend is important, but spunk is important too. I love to get gussied up and hit a club and get drunk enough to want nothing but Waffle House, sweaty sex, and sleep. What's wrong with that? All I'm saying is that there has to be a balance. A spot that I'm itching for. Where everyone can win instead of one having their wants surpressed into nothing. I feel like I'm too young to compromise so much. I used to feel like modesty, humbleness, and generosity were nobel qualities. And I still do, but I also believe that there's a time and place for everything. Now is not the time for me to be modest. Is there such thing as having a mini midlife crisis at 25? Well technically 26 in two weeks which could well be the stem of my contemplation. If I could predict the future I would say that my birthday will be similar to the the previous few... nice dinner at Two Urban Licks [one of my fav's], kush session accompanied with japanamation, and a night cap. Then again, if I were psychic these questions wouldn't exist. Sounds nice because it is. Problem is I'm just not sure if nice is enough anymore.

just call me..

2009-02-23T05:20:00.005-05:00

I will not be used. Let me say that now. No by you, or anyone else looking for a free ride. Riding my coat tails while I stress and bend my back so far I feel the tension for years. Not to those who call themselves friends, tucking their ears underneath the wool. Who befriend you for the people you know and the places you could potentially take them. Who click pictures by the dozen because your clothes are the latest and you get the right attention. They ask all the in depth questions in your time of need and silly vulnerable you says what's on your mind, thinking your temporary therapist would exercise that confidentiality. But what you didn't expect was for that person to let their own issues of rejection over ride their judgement. Their envy proceeds them and simple curiosity turns into a tunnel-visioned mission to use and destroy any good that they see inside of you. The point is always clear. It's to make you feel guilty about something. Being too young, or too tall, or dressing too sexy, or being too happy. And when you feel guilty, you feel bad about yourself, and the worst part about it is you don't know why.

Misery loves company. Remember that saying? When thought about using a child's mind, it doesn't make much sense for a feeling to need anything. But then again, if you were miserable wouldn't you want somebody to visit and cheer you up? Mad people want other people to be mad with them so the both of you can sit and compare issues and go through the absurdity of competing to see whose are worse. It makes them feel good to be able to point out the flaws in others so they wont have the time to figure out the fuck ups of themselves. Either that, or have grown up being told that something was wrong with them by their parents, or other said important figure in their lives. When I am encountered by these people in their many forms and levels of audacity it stuns me, but serves as my little reminder. Telling me that just when I start to look into the mirror and think I'm just like everyone else, there's always someone there to remind me I still got spark left! I'm glad I'm at a point where I can do nothing and be happy with that. It took a lot to change from being so impulsive, falling into misery's trap, and knocking myself off my steady groove. But there's no need to dig up evidence to prove my innocence. Because I hold no guilt in my heart for my feelings and therefore have no need to prove anything.

I won't be used by you just so you can feel superior. Trying to over sex me to cloud my mind. Quickly I forget what's important and disregard how you called me out my name when we argued. And I can't stand how you use emotions to make me feel like you care. Causing me to consider your feelings before my own. But you don't want me to love you, it's all for manipulation. Cheaters. Beaters. Love her and Leave -ers. All of them dealing with some sort of issue or demon. Mostly with control being its main purpose. Why do some men feel the need to control? Lowering their object of affection's self worth and feeding his own need to fill a hole that control can never fill. Down playing the role and significance of a woman knowing deep down that the only person who encouraged and nurtured him was his mother. Sadly, some people weren't held enough, or were constantly told that they're just like their daddy's who left and won't amount to much. At some point, the hurt feelings have to be faced and let go so you can stop telling people that your gucci man bag is full of money instead of the disappointments and life let-downs that really reside there. If a woman chooses you, there's no need to control her. Just fine tune your selection process and hopefully the number of domestic disputes will decline.

Capitalism is the new practiced faith and the 48 Laws of Power is the Bible [if you will] that corresponds. Let's face it, everyone gets used in one way or another. Either in the capacity of good or evil, it's all on you how you get used. After lessons learned, hats tried, roles played, I'm well satisfied with my position. I won't be used as the stepping stone for you. You know my name. Just call me useless.

i was just wondering...

2009-02-13T13:45:00.002-05:00

I was watching tv the other day and listened to a lady's story about the crazy things she did just to get attention from her crush. She heard the guy was into rock climbing and to get closer to him, she told him that she enjoyed rock climbing too. The problem was, she didn't know a thing about rock climbing. So of course, for their first date he invited her to go... rock climbing! She fell, broke her ankle, and add more insult to her injury, the guy never came to visit her in the hospital and needless to say, they never went out again.

This is yet another example of what a 'girl does for love'... or at least personal satisfaction. I want to hear from the guys, the most crazy, silly, 'so-not-you' antics you've put on all in the name of 'love'.

i know some of y'all are out there!

don't make me call you out!

a fly on the wall

2009-02-08T22:07:00.006-05:00

You can find out so much when you just listen. It's true, ask someone that looks like they have a lot on their mind, "how are you doing?" and by the end of their full response, you'll know their entire life story. It's amazing how much people really want to tell you what they feel is important, or funny, or sad. After years of mostly answering dumb ass questions in the club, I've mastered the art of 'shut the fuck up'! I've always been a watcher of some sort. I think that's why I got into photography so heavy and it's kind of relieving to let everything else do the talking for a change.

I don't go out nearly as much as I used to but it seems like I'm always catching wind of what's going on around me. I know everyone lives with some sort of regret, knowing that some mistakes were the best you could have made, and some that should have been avoided all together. It was late last night when I got a call from one of my favorite people lately. After the conversation got rolling, I realized that this was one of those times... for me. It's a hard pill to swallow that my past judgment of people has been questionable. It's my reason alone why I gravitated towards certain people but for countless reasons, I wish I could erase my acute affiliation with the involved person.

How is it possible to feel emotions for other people? Feeling what that they should when they don't have the balls to? I'm not entirely sure of the answer to that question [even though I'm capable of doing it] but I felt nothing but embarrassment for them. I know, well I thought I knew this person. I know what they bring to the table and my opinion was that they were as stand up as anyone I knew at the time. Turns out, that there's just a little too many bitch-like tendencies that I didn't know actually existed. I listened and laughed at the punk-passiveness that they witnessed but the emotion that underlined spelled: I-W-I-S-H-I-N-E-V-E-R-M-E-T-H-I-M-A-T-A-L-L. And it was so real because now I felt tricked. I never would have thought that a grown ass man would send a spokes model to talk to another grown ass man. About anything, let alone asking for a job. Urgh!

After I finished my laugh and quiet introspection, I was asked advice about a separate situation. I'm not sure what it is about men taking professional advice from a woman, but let's just say it was no longer fun and games on the other end. I gave an experienced opinion on the situation that wasn't appreciated and reminded myself of my new practice:

the art of 'shut the fuck up'

lesson 1: be like a fly on the wall

i almost forgot!

2009-02-07T13:41:00.004-05:00

I was on my way to the 'southern bodega' today to get a jug of spring water. I walked in the established establishment and found my water. Continued up the isle to the counter and decided to get cereal. I am a cereal fiend. "Hmmm...." I said out loud while I scanned the selection. "Oh shit!" I followed, wide eyed. Mikey Phelps is on the cover of Frosted Flakes, medals, swimcap, and all. Frosted Flakes are straight, get too soggy too quick, but I gotta support my boy! Who got caught cutting loose at a South Carolina school and now every person of influence acts like they've never puffed a little grass. I put the box in my basket and walked up to the counter. There was an elderly man in front of me, purchasing his breakfast of Crazy Horse. Before the lady started ringing up my things, something dawned on me: "didn't Kellogg drop Michael Phelps' endorsement?" There's the logo. Bright as fuck. Oh hell no. I asked the cashier to wait while I swapped the box out for 'can't-go-wrong' Honey Nut. One thing I don't support are businesses that don't support me. Don't worry Mike, we'll work this whole thing out. Lesson one: learn how to roll.

OctoMom!

2009-02-06T21:25:00.005-05:00

Sounds so sci-fi and in my opinion appropriate for describing this individual. She has to be crazy or knows something that we don't to just have given birth to octuplets... and she planned it! Yes, this is her second time going through in-vitro to conceive multiple times, simultaneously and now she is the proud single parent of 14 children. I can see it now: after the new babes reach a level of 'camera maturity' the family will have their own reality show. Included with a large plush house, cute matching outfits, and endless groceries... all provided by the network of course. Followed by a book deal and countless appearances on Oprah and 60 minutes. Is this what some people live for? Find a gimmick, exploit the hell out of it, and wait to cash in? If that's your life's ambition, then do what you do, but can we please have some class and leave the children out of it?

According to her mother, she's always wanted children. Ever since high school, she's wanted nothing but to be a mother. As touching as that sounds it's even more "special" that her ex husband fathered none of her

14 children. Ok, I'm done talking about her questionable choice. Have you noticed that she looks a lot like Angelina Jolie? A woman who she shares a lot of the same physical

characteristics as she as well as goals. It's obvious by looking at her that she's had some work done. But is she truly trying to emulate her, or is she... crazy? I've heard of look a-likes and fanatics but would someone go through such lengths as to have multiple children to be more like their favorite celebrity?

Maybe she thought no one would notice, but right after her first appearance since the birth of her babies everyone is on her ass. I hope big mama isn't that off. I'll let you be the judge.

in remembrance

2009-02-06T21:01:00.003-05:00

"I grew up poor. I had no money. My family was poor. There's things I wanted to do and couldn't. I was an abused wife. Just--there's tons of things that I couldn't even mention. And for me to come up and to have all of this fame and fortune, it's just--it is a Cinderella story to me."

Anna Nicole Smith

he reminds me

2009-02-06T15:30:00.005-05:00

Of my babe any given day. In this video. He's all about the hand gestures and rushed speaking... I'm not sure how many of you caught wind of Kanye's vlog about the changing of his name but to me, it's simply hilarious. This video was taken hours before the unveiling of his new line of footwear incorporated with Louis Vuitton. I don't blame his enthusiasm or sense of humor, he's living his dream. I'm not really sure if he's actually serious about infusing the name of his favorite label and the civil rights hero, but I'm sure time will tell. The websites say he's losing his mind but I say they're thinking too much. I mean, so what if he just recently hired someone just to clean and organize his shoes? And so what if he wants to call himself Martin Louis King

Jr.? You all knew he was a cocky mofo during the College Dropout.

I like the shoe. Love the attitude. Hate the haircut. Keep doing your thing Yeezy. Oh, I mean, Louie King Jr.

[address him as such.]

sober house

2009-02-06T13:44:00.003-05:00

When in the process of breaking bad habits, you have to drastically change the way you live. If you shop a lot and want to cut back, it might not be a good idea to meet your friend at the mall to 'keep her company' while she shops. Rules have to be made and set and you can definitely expect sacrifice. Before the new year came, I knew exactly what needed to be done to make this year a better one for me. I knew the dormant, dominant side of me really has to come out in order to make what I want in my life to happen. The major things that I wanted to change has, or is in the process of changing, but there's a hump that I can't seem to get over. I'm still hanging on to people and situations that so need to be leg go. Things that I feel are drastically holding me back from living the life I want to. I'm not sure if it's feelings I'm trying to spare or what but I have to get in mode to over ride those feelings and start being a little more selfish. That's something that I can say I've never really been. At least not in a long time. It used to seem ridiculous to me to make such a big fuss. But after waiting for someone else to cherish me and do the things I wished they would, I understand how someone could get so wrapped up in themselves.

The feeling of making someone else smile and feel good is unlike nothing else I've experienced but lately I haven't been smiling much. All because of this one thing. So for the umpteenth time, there's no "nice" way of going about the inevitable. There's never a right "time" for anything. The feeling of helping other people has been my addiction for so long, but let's get serious, there's no making anyone else happy if my tank is on low. So the good foot is what I'm on before I'm left with yet another regret.

This shit is going to be like rehab. For real. Life with no distractions is gonna be a little... boring.

part time lover

2009-02-05T18:56:00.007-05:00

Little fun fact about me: when I was 5 my family and I moved to South Dakota and lived there for two years. Yeah, different I know. As much for us as it is for the rest of you I'm sure. Of course, I had nothing but white and native american friends and was surrounded by 'heartland's' culture. The legal age to drive was 14 and most who qualified used theirs to help out, driving tractors at their family farm. Scary. I'm so lucky that I was just a kid and had fun regardless, because I couldn't imagine coming of age there. My sister however wasn't so lucky [: My bestest friend in the world to hang out with was Stacey. I remember her blond hair and blue eyes like we just had lunch earlier today. Besides play basketball and laugh at her dad's deck of naked playing cards, we listened to music. We were the biggest New Kids on the Block fans. Way too young for concerts, but we jammed in her room while dancing with their posters every chance we got. Call it corny. I don't care.They had style, and I was about 6 . They were the my first fantasy guys.

The first official boy band that set the trend of hot acts that fade fast. I outgrew the 'Kids' and moved to another city and another group.... so the other day I'm flipping through my free cable channels and caught the new New Kids on the Block song 'Single' feat. Ne-yo. I think it was Polo's build up that made me not habitually flip. Then I saw the collage of my guys, in a nice chic nightclub, and then Donnie Wahlberg [Mark-e's big brother] got on the mic and.. Okay, let me stop. What can I say, it did it for me. The song's great. I haven't checked the album out yet, but I plan on getting it and coming back through with a review!

Wouldn't it be great to be able to go to a club, dressed in your favorite 'freak 'em' outfit and meet a cute guy and have a nice time? Get a bottle and post up [for the talkers] or a couple of drinks and pick a spot on the floor. Build up enough heat so your make up settles just right and then leave the evening where it stands? In a perfect world that would be... well... perfect. No?

trading places

2009-02-05T15:42:00.005-05:00

The average marriage lasts about 9 years. Don't get mad at me, those are the numbers that I was given during the 6 o'clock news [a.m. that is]. That number is so depressing. I think I have bras older than that. I wonder if that number includes the year you spend dating that one person. My parents were married as soon as my Mom graduated from high school and lasted 25 years. They courted long distance and saw each other whenever my Dad could get away from D.C. Maybe it's their situation and the fairy tales of my other family members that makes me 'delusional' in the eyes of most when it comes to relationships. One major difference that I see between then and now is that too many people are playing house. There are a lot of young people who are so focused on becoming established now, instead of just being young. Give a child a bank account and priorities tend to go a little out of focus. It's the story of every child stars life.

Back then, a girl didn't want to seem fast by kissing on the lips too soon, and it was bad manners for a guy to kiss and tell. Now, you're considered a 'bad girlfriend' if you don't clean or wash your boyfriends things on a regular basis. Huh? I had a homegirl who was notorious for doing that. Right off the bat of meeting a guy, she would be cooking full meals, and cleaning for him daily and still working and paying her own bills. Then add insult to injury, have to argue with him about his 'god-sister' that's coming to visit for the weekend... Most guys are expecting a wife/housekeeper/whore at fly-by boyfriend's output. But I mean, to each its own. I couldn't say that I wouldn't take full advantage of that type of treatment if someone was givng it away.

It doesn't surprise me that some people would rather spend money on expensive dating services or use companies online to cut to the chase. I love the Millionaire's club show that comes on Bravo. A catalog of eligible men get put through a 'prepping' process that offers them insight on what a woman prefers. You get one completely sober date to get decide if this is going to be worth your time. After that... who knows. The last episode the 'millionaire' proposed at the end of the second date. Time is something that is definitely not on a woman's side so pointlessly dating could leave you burned and 'heartless' by the age of 30.

Cooking, cleaning, laundry, babysitting... those sound like wifely duties to me. But from what I hear in relationships, that's regulation. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind pitching in. From time to time. But I'm not keeping anyone's ship until I am certain that 'we' are truly in this together. Regardless of what men might think, women want to have someone she can totally spoil with the least amount of verbal conflict involved. With women, it's definitely a security issue. If we don't feel secure in our position with you, it's hard to be the woman you need. Guys, you can't expect a woman to be your 'best friend' and treat her like a hoe. And ladies, you can't expect a guy to pay all your bills and play with your kid when you've slept with all his boys. It's easier to respect other people when you respect yourself. And when you respect yourself, the difference of love and like become visible. I'm aware of the many variables that have made women dangerously independent and the good guys say "fuck it" but some things have been done a certain way so long that it's hard to say "what exactly went wrong" or when it all started. Bottom line: the priorities and roles are definitely flip flopped. The boys make babies and throw money. Wearing graphic tees with cartoon characters and fitted jeans. Guys who sometimes go a lifetime without wearing a suit, let alone know their measurements. And the girls who still find rivalries well into their mid to late 20's, give the pussy up on the first night, and who only date to find a captain-save-her. No one likes to be taken advantage of or deceived so why not stop with all the games and be as real as most claim to be? Or upfront with expectations and intentions? You never know what the person might say. Apparently there are plenty who don't mind the idea of no nonsense casual sex.

so old school [one]

2009-01-31T00:01:00.005-05:00

"... I don't know what happened, all my kids have old souls." Something my Mom once told me during another discussion about life. I've always felt that I've been here before, not literally, but... yeah. I love listening to records, keeping a bound journal, pressing my hair, wearing vintage beaver coats and oxford style shoes. All that good stuff.

When I was younger, I was all about the gadgets. I remember getting the first sidekick ever and feeling foolish when no one I knew had one to chat with. But I had that number since

high school and didn't want to change it [I keep everything] so I got a sprint phone. For the ring tones of course! When I got impatient with my sidekick, I dropped that and got a treo to recieve my emails on hand and continued to upgrade whenever the newest whatever came out. I stuck to my 'tried and true' blackberry for the longest until I lost the war to orange soda damage [womp womp]. I was the same with cameras, ipods, computers, laptops, the works. Now, I'm satisfied with one blackberry, one laptop, my pc, and my ipod. All the movies about national security and super multi functional technology raised a certain level of paranoia that I could do without. It's like, what would you do when that shit decides to malfunction? Basically, you're screwed. And I decided to stop fronting like I had so much going on that I need all this 'necessary crap'.

So. Somewhere around mid July, I started feeling restless with my comcast service. Can someone tell me the pros of this 'HD convertor box'? I see it mainly as a bullshit way to boost the economy by making people buy new sets. And just a thought: where do all the old tv's go? The parts that come inside can't be good for the environment.

Me and the Mr. would be watching the game or the newest First 48 and all of a sudden

the screen would be diagnosed with cerebral palsy and fuck up the entire evening. The episodes were so frustrating and chronic that we just simplified to just internet service. Our local representative[s] had been more than accommodating with the offers of free channels but what good would they have done if we couldn't watch them? But with the help from one of the homies, we do receive basic cable, including 3 pay per views... for free! Life is still sweet without all the extra and as long as they keep running reruns of Living Single and RoseAnne I'm sure I'll manage [:

by the way: I totally forgot about superbowl... someone tell me about it!

gimme some more..

2009-01-29T14:40:00.004-05:00

i can't believe they have bloopers! haha.

"you gotta get it right buddy!" -Steele [juice]

Whoopie!

2009-01-29T13:15:00.006-05:00

This shit is too cute and funny. I love it when people in advertising actually get creative and put some humor on it! And the latest Durex condom commercial is so adorable I might buy some just to see what will happen when I leave them alone on my night stand. The question I have is what network is running commercials like this? I've heard that overseas television is more liberal, offering naked news and such. The latex threesome might be ill-timed and the '69' clip avoidable, but in these days and times, the commercial helps to educate the masses. It bothers me that as sexually charged as everything is, the education of sex is a joke. 'The talk' for me included a book that had drawings, diagrams, fill in the blanks, multiple choice... needless to say, a little uncomfortable. That was in the era where people thought that condoms were only for gay people. Thank God those days are over. Now we still have a high teen pregnancy rate, teen prostitution, and the new thing is to infect someone else on purpose because they didn't want to strap up in the past! Just nasty. Messages like this is a must! Sex. The proverbial pink elephant for parents. I guess people feel that if they don't acknowledge that it exists, that it would go away or it could be prevented, but certain desires are innate and can never be avoided. Sexual activity and expression is a part of human nature and instead of making kids feel ashamed of how they feel and ignorant of the subject all together. I'm not going to speak too much on the topic because I'm not a parent but I believe that having an open line with your child and good timing is important. Anyway, enjoy!

indian sighting

2009-01-28T02:17:00.002-05:00

Sometimes there's nothing better than getting dressed up [or down] and going out with good people. Hearing some good music, a little goose and bull, maybe some herb, good times. Since my Mr. works in a club we don't get to get out much. For the most part, that's fine with me, but tonight, I was really excited to blow off some steam. Tonight was an outing for family. Our friend Plair was scheduled to preform tonight at Apache Cafe. I love Apache. The first time I went, my sister and I waited nervously as the door man eyeballed my fake ID. After a reluctant admittance I was introduced to the open mic scene.

Never have I considered myself a flashy person, but I always have a tendency to have some sort of unnecessary shit on. I'm always a big fan of stackable bracelets and over sized watches. Hoop earrings, and I've even thrown my gold class ring into the mix. I dunno. If I want to wear it, nine times out of ten, it's getting put on. After all the flat ironing and curling and prepping, I walked outside and thought: "I should have put on my knit beret"! Atlanta weather truly has me loopy with it's indecisiveness. The streets were lightly layered with fog and by the time we had walked to the front door, most of my curl had fallen ]: As soon as we stepped inside the foyer of the cafe, we heard the familiar lyrics to one of Plair's songs. It pissed me off to learn that even the hole in the walls have gone hollywood as they exercised their right to have us wait at the front. After figuring out that we got there at the end of his set we decided to finish the show where we stood. Once again our guy did his thing but I didn't get to partake in the rest of the festivities.

I can't believe I haven't had a drink since new years! But I couldn't imagine an outing without it. You're not dealing with a dependency chick here so call off the interventianalist! The 'happy juice' makes me forget that I'm just in a room listening to music with a bunch of strangers. Anyway, thought I'd share my fly-by-could-have-happened-ing.

I gotta stop watching tv while I blog. this shit took entirely too long to write.

Line of demarcation [a parte dois]

2009-01-25T00:02:00.007-05:00

Ok, I admit it, it took a little longer than I expected for the 'follow up' of the previous post. I just needed some time to access everything. That, and at this point in time, I still have to partially censor myself for sanity's sake. One thing that I've observed when it comes to relationships is the funny way one person literally disappears until it completely becomes about just the one person. Or as the benefactor would call it "us". Men have a lesser tendency to bend themselves so most of the time, it's the lady who has to be the one to take the back seat or adjust her behavior in order for the relationship to continue. The view of the scale is unbalanced but... what are you gonna do about nature? See? Women are stubborn in our own right too and we usually choose to flex our muscle when we feel like we've had enough. When our emotions are run ragged it's exhausting to hold it all together. The line of demarcation is the breaking point. A time when you mentally slap yourself across the face and say enough is enough. And embark change.

My opinion and expectations of what a relationship is has drastically changed over the past year and a half. I am so old school when it comes to the dynamics of men and women. I enjoy my meek manner and don't mind letting my man playing his part. I've had 3 serious boyfriends and just recently, my current love and I have observed the dreaded one year. Why dreaded? Because it's just enough time where you feel you know everything that you're going to know about that person but at the same time, it's enough time for the comfort to set in. Ridiculous misunderstandings, category 5 arguments, the 'laxed disregard of the little things, all of that. Not talking about my relationship, I'm just saying. hehe.

Anyway, I'm mildly p.o.'ed at myself for becoming the invisible girl. Wrapping myself in boy shorts, wife beaters, and wit in order to be seen. Don't get me wrong, playing dress up has been fun, but recently, I woke up. I think. My intuition ended up working in my favor and it made me think about what needed to happen in order for things to change. It was 'fun' going through the process of what is wrong with whom. Hearing and releasing suppressed feelings. But I pretty much had my mind made up after the first 15 minutes of madeness. It makes me smile to know that with this crazy Atlantan ratio of men and women, the one I chose has chosen to meet me half way. I have no problem investing time into someone with purpose, but at this point, it's time to show myself, that that's me, too. I got too comfy. So it's obvious the resolution is that it's me who has to change. Surprise! I'm sure Mr. Mr. is relieved to have the stress of the introspection off his shoulders, but the funny thing about change is, you might not always like what is changed or what it's changed into. Even though a lot of guys these days are looking for a woman who has herself established and totally 'together', I know they would feel completely useless if we didn't need them for anything.

You kinda have to take the good with the bad and have the sanity to understand that everyone has been damaged by some bitch or bitch-ass nigga, but that's everyone. It's hard to put yourself out there and be fearless when it comes to love and in my opinion, leaving love out all together cuts yourself from some sort of hidden blessing. You have to go with what you feel, or if you're the practical type, make a list. It's bittersweet that anyone has to change, instead of people just swallowing that things just might not work out, just cause. Either you stay or you leave. Evolve or remain the same. I've chosen my pill, and I've got my tall drink of water to ease it down.

Line of demarcation [parte uma]

2009-01-18T15:04:00.008-05:00

this is a two parter.

sorry it's been a couple of days. but a couple of things have come to my attention and sometimes a girl just needs her space to figure out her next move. but here's something anyway. a song i've listened to many times and just liked what it said because i feel when it comes to relationships, women are expected to put up with a lot more than men are. the double standards of the 'nature' of men and women... i hate em! i hate em! i hate em.

weary.

if a woman is growing weary

of having to be so strong.

of having to pretend i'm made of stone,

so i won't end up with no broken bones.

i can't fight every battle alone.

i want someone to lift me.

heal my wounds and give me kisses on the head,

say words that should be said.

fear is not the matter,

i would so much rather open up my heart,

and lay down my guard.

if i could trust someone

to have my back and never do me wrong

i would give my love up

just like that and stop singing this soldier's song.

whoever said love is over rated

must not get enough.

my independent days have had their fun.

but when the party's over

and the working day is done.

i just want to go home to someone.

i want a love to take me

as i am not make me

compromise myself.

or put up no one else.

fear is not the matter

i would so much rather

open up my heart.

and just lay down my guard.

words by: amel larriex

Same love song.

2009-01-15T00:19:00.008-05:00

I have a confession to make: I haven't bought an album since Coldplay's 'Rainbows'. And I'm supposed to be a straaaight up music head. I know, it's just that... music has become so... boring. I mean, REALLY boring. Am I the only one noticing how boring the music has become? I swear, everybody's "swagger is so mean" and is "the baddest" or "the man in their city" I mean, what the fuck guys? That's one of the main reasons I don't even go out anymore. The club is the one place where you're supposed to hear something you've never heard before. Last time I was at Lucky I couldn't even do my two step because it seemed as if at least 15 minutes had passed and it sounded like the same song. After that, I was ready to call it quits for a while...

I made it a deliberate point to stay out of the

tabloids for a reason. I'm so sick of talking and hearing about people. Who's going to be in town, who went out of town, who's fucking with who, that bitch said what about me? Things that didn't have any substance or any true validity to my life. And all the energy spent on others, caused the pause of the "cause" that is called Me. So, I'm done with it. I still read my regular variety periodicals and catch my fair share of television but I want to learn about different shit. I'm ready to add some extra spices to my life. Life lately has got me thinking about psychology, nutrition, and advertising classes. Learning about sketching and sculpting and cooking more than just soul food. My goal is to become as well rounded as Rick Ross' abdomen as quickly as possible.

Remember: progress is sexy!

Anyway, I was looking through February's Vibe and decided to read Kanye's article. Poor Kanye. I couldn't imagine what life was like for him over the past couple of years with folks like you all to please [; When he started with the lined shades and the "louie louie everywhere" he fell off of my radar. Don't get me wrong, I love a well dressed man, but not when it looks like you want to say: "my fiance just left me, now who's gonna pick out my outfits?" Still made the good shit when it came to the music, but I wasn't sure if I could deal with a whole album of him singing. But after reading this article, I'm proud to announce our boy is ok! He seems at peace. If that makes any sense. With his mother. His love life. His music. His direction. He just seems real... comfy. Which is always great. And he's still got the cockiness we all love to hate! He's tired. But who isn't these days. Overall a good read, even though the overall quality of the magazine has dramatically dropped, if you ask me. So, check it out, buy it. Read it. All that good stuff.

The makings of a "good Kanye interview" [according to Kanye]:

"Politically incorrect shit that's obvious that no one speaks on. Bold statements. A bit of heart. Inspiration. Aspiration. A bit of humor, in my opinion..."

in a nutshell.

God bless the child.

2009-01-14T20:02:00.007-05:00

My sister is one of my heros, whether she knows it or not. Not because she's been through a lot physically, but because she has brought 3 of my favorite people into my life. Number three just arriving just 8 days ago.

Mom is one of the only universal words that reminds people of that happy place.

That makes them think about their taste of real love and the first true model of what a woman is supposed to be. At least I hope. When I think of Mom I think about all the field trips she went on with me, the healthy snacks she would make my girl scout troupe, and the way she always let me know that she was there, no matter what. God, I want to be that superhero- to my kids. One of the things I have to do before I die is have a baby. To experience making another 'me' and be responsible for the shaping of their life.

Meet my sister, Janine! Neen-bean for short. Who was always getting mad whenever I dipped into her closet without asking, or telling me how 'cute I thought I was', or coming in from that house party way too late. She's 9 years my senior and I thought she was amazing. Always had a cute 'friend', dressed in all the latest cross colors

and cutting the tops of her Malcolm X hats so her ponytail could

come through. My brother and I could rely on her to bring us home mexican pizzas and cinnamon twists when she got off her shift at Taco Bell and [after we moved the furniture] "percolated" all the way into the splits until we cried laughing. Custom designed prom dresses, celebrity friendships [Bushwick Bill was the homie!], and a bomb ass job as a dj on the radio. Avid freestyler, free spirited, and black and proud! She's the shit. What else can I say?

She was the first person I got into a fist fight with and the only one who trusts me enough to tell her deepest secrets to. We've learned the art of motherhood together and I couldn't have picked a better 'study buddy'. I admire the way she's there, every day to get up her 15 and 5 year olds together. Keeping them involved in activities and going to PTA meetings. Scheduling the birthday parties and staying up late for the clean up. She spends time with them and the relationship she shares with her children is magical. I only hope that my kids love me as much as her kids love her. I can't wait to meet and get to know my new niece. Thanks Janine for giving me another one to love on.

She looks like a character already! And don't mind the head [damn forceps!]

p.s. I don't see how half way moms and dads do it-- how could you not wanna see a face like that everyday?! I guess some get "it" and some don't.

delete. delete. delete.

2009-01-14T10:54:00.010-05:00

I really don't like getting rid of stuff, but I had to start thinking of what wouldn't make it to help tell the tale. It all started about a month ago when the "unthinkable" happened. My Mac of two years had informed me that I was running low on disk space! Right then, I had a Carrie moment and thought what would happen if I lost everything? I mean, I've got a few editing programs of software, about 4,500 pictures, and roughly 3,500 songs in my iTunes collection. I still wouldn't have thought that

I would accumulate so much 'necessary' crap and
I've only had it for TWO YEARS!

Oh, the powers of persuasion. I've always been a PC gal, only coming into contact with Apples on occasion but the campaign for Mac a couple of years ago had me thinking that only big b

oys and girls used them. And if I wanted to step my game up, this is what I need to get. By the time I was done watching the commercial, I was convinced by their design, built in camera and ethernet connects, and their storage capability. And I swore I heard you could run faster and clear all levels of spam in a single bound, but i dunno. The next morning, me, my favorite tech guy, and 1300 George Washington's were in the store buying my new baby. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my laptop. I'm just slightly disappointed in the fact that I had to remedy this situation so 'early'.

Anyway, so I was stuck at a crossroads with only two paths to go down: either this stays, or it goes. I went through so many pictures deleting things that I already regret, got rid of my entire photo booth library [those were some good ones], and wiped out all the files in Limewire. I hated to hate, but there was simply no room and I was trying to avoid looking all extra at the bookstore with a million hard drives sticking out of my bag. But..... I said fuck it and did what I needed to do. Got me a hard drive.

Not badly priced for all the extra room you get [500 GB]. All placed in this compact device.

I normally would have taken these pictures myself but it's too much after I upload, edit, and save it, AND I take all my own pictures so.... I think these will do [;

This should have been purchased a month ago and all those memories didn't have to go, but I'm glad I got rid of a lot of shit. Here are some 'throw- backs' for your enjoyment:

THE ONES "WHO GOT TO STAY":

My flickr account should be complete soon to check out the rest. Stay tuned!

Luck of the cut.

2009-01-13T22:01:00.005-05:00

There have been times when I spend money on a hairstyle that has gone awry. It always seems to be something. The longevity of the style is what disappoints me most often but the cut is what usually determines if I run my stylist back for round two. I'm hilarious. Sometimes I visit 3 different salons until I achieve the exact look I was going for, of it ends up being me, in the mirror with my straight razor. It turns I'm not only picky about my food, but with the cut of my clothing, the feet on my men, and the cut of my weave. By the time Whoever gets done with my head, I want to be able to go out in public and women tell me how pretty my hair is. In other words, IT HAS TO BE REALISTIC! If the wind blows, there should be no braids showing. I want to be able to run my fingers through and pull it up into a high pony without tracks exposed. Oh and yes, I wear a weave. A fashion trend I picked up about 5 years ago, when I was struggling with going natural. I love the versatility of having one and I have worn quite a few different styles but I always revert back to some variation of "bed hair". Purposely unruly and fun but still looks good. Busting down $500 can give a girl her own reason of reserve when choosing a stylist and I had to make sure I had the "perfect" one [if there is such thing]. When I found him, I reluctantly let him swipe the card and begin my transformation. Sweetness can mostly be sensed and I felt how sweet my stylist thought I was with every secure stitch. Braided me tight, massaged my scalp. Goody's powder with Pana.

I decided to give myself a lose curl with my flat irons this morning before errands. The cut I received had them falling just the way I imagined. Only the rest of the story went that I was just getting out of bed with my head looking this good!

Yeah, I was feeling the hell outta my hair! And the day look only got better, but a little too windy. Hot damn! My hair is long enough to pull into a full ponytail! The rest of the day

for me had me feeling like Miss Beyonce

herself. Think the cover of B-Day:

I simply finger combed my hair into a high ponytail and secured it with a coated hair tie and pulled tight. I let the bangs do their thing. One things for sure, the cut made a world of difference to make my day effortlessly glamourous. My advice: invest wiseLy!

All the world's a stage.

2009-01-12T21:58:00.007-05:00

I was flipping channels this evening and got caught in a trance of what life was like in the past. I didn't catch the name of the program but it looked like the original version of the 'Johnny Carson Show', featuring young talent and different entertainment acts. We've come a long way. Something that is so hard to explain to the generation that my 15 year old nephew is a part of. To them, it's like the whole era of the minstrel show never existed so when they see the modern day version it's considered "normal". I give props to renegade directors like Spike Lee who brought the movie 'Bamboozled' to the main screen for all the youngin's.

They don't understand that it was once considered "normal" for white men to put on the black face in order to play black characters instead of just hiring them. The whole aim of the black participants was to just sing and dance. Never give any of themselves. They were the joke. Censoring their songs so that the content would be marketable for television. Forced to wear the grins and smile when they know that they had to go out the back door after performing and the rest of the world remained the same. It was all about the show. The song and the dance that didn't end after the director said "cut!" Because in order to be accepted and seen as decent in society, you literally had to kiss so much ass that your lips looked like powdered donuts.

It disappoints me the way that most black youth, including myself, take for granted the advances of the ones who came before us. And even though it is perfectly acceptable for us to be who we are, so many prefer the flair of someone else. I don't think the band standing stopped during the 1930's. I think it's still going on today with all the bullshit people are pulling these days. You can find your latest example on page six. Don't get me wrong, I love to play dress up and sing loud and sporadically through out the house, and take a half an hour choosing a restaurant because I'm that picky. But that's me. I'm not cooning and putting on for anyone but the one on the other side of my looking-glass. I wonder what the world would be like if originality was cool?

this is what happens when you give a girl a sunday afternoon, an opinion, and a mac.

goodies: random

2009-01-11T21:21:00.006-05:00

it's rare when i say what's really on my mind these days. but it's sunday evening and my best friend is napping so here it goes:

I'm sore than a motha! I don't do that, one day chest and arms, second day legs and ass stuff. I hit it in one wop!

I met the nicest Wendy's window crew: it's nice to know that customer service is still alive in the West End!

Is getting better with my cooking: not j

ust limited to boxed cuisine, I free pour now!

Am my own personal experiment: still working with the photoshop and running around crazy with my photo editing. I'm starting to run out of hard drive space and I need to get off my ass and get an external! I'm my own personal trainer and nutritionist, and am a novice sculptor!

I: really give two flips about what anyone has to say about me! The feeling is similar to taking off your bra. It's liberating and I can 'jiggle' anyway I please.

Smile: every time I see the cloth bags in stores for everyone to go green, recycling is infectious! Spread the word!

Hates: that I haven't taken any docu pic's in a while

Needs: another hustle. My house needs a lot of work done and I'm still a shopaholic.

Is trying: my damnist to follo

w my own workout plan. Typing has been soooo painful.

Really: wants to go to school. I can only teach myself so much, but I find out you still need that piece of paper.

Kinda: misses hashbrowns and cheese eggs @ 4 am with the girls. Just a little ]:

Wants: a black cat for my birthday. I hear they're good luck! So somebody get on it!

Is ready: for my life to begin.

Really digs: this dark nail polish. Am I late? Normally not a big fan but not bad. And no, it's not black, it's OPI'S Lincoln Park After Dark and it's a deep purple.

Me and my big MOUTH.

2009-01-11T19:27:00.006-05:00

"Sometimes you have to worry about making someone else rich before you can make yourself rich, if not at the same time," my boss text me yesterday. I've always been fortunate enough through the course of my life to meet people who could benefit me greatly. Lately, I've been getting a crash course in the professional world after years of seeing "how it's done" out of sight and under the table. Growing up all I remember my parents doing at the dinner table was complaining about their corporate jobs and even when I was young, I knew that I didn't want to work in the type of confining environment they were a part of. When you live 'the life' you get paid every day with no deductions, no real clock to punch, and no real rules. It's the type of arena where your net wealth says who you are. Because there's always somebody looking at you from head to toe, inspecting your fresh. I can't stand all the indignant people who think they can act that way because they have the labels. There's no real such thing as working your way up the ranks by putting in long hours at the office or making sure you show up at all company functions. That type of stuff doesn't really pay off much in the world of hustling. But all the little things that prove character and integrity are the things CEO'S are made of, at least that's what I've been told.

If our generation had a song it would be: "I want what I want, and I want it now!" Everyone wants to be rich. NOW! I'm no exception. I would love to "retire" early, start a family, and live well and vacation often. I have one small thing that's interrupting this girl. My mouth. It always seems to get me in trouble. Either by the things it does, or does not say. Depending on the question. It's not that I can't take direction but I have to speak out on the bullshit. In all shapes and forms. The pretentious, the double standards, the ignorant, the ones who have too much fucking nerve. Most people are too trendy for me. Changing the whole concept of themselves every season and year, like fashion. And they always seem to have something to say, and I usually rebut. I have too much lip for pimps, masters, and insecure men. I I'm determined to be my own boss. Doing something so my grind is what I'm on and my game is getting stronger with my new found wisdom. Figuring out what exactly is next on my 'to do' list but I'm not too worried about that part. Things always have a way of working themselves out!

I may not know the answers to everything right now, but I know what I don't want. I don't ever want to owe anyone or have to depend on anyone in order to have what I want. Learning both sides of the game is going to take a lot of humility and time. But in order for the time shares and mutual funds, the works got to be done! I can do the time... I think. Lord give me strength! I usually don't give all this 'extra' about me. I've experienced it's better to open up a little, than it is to read about my fabricated life story later. But... this is what happens when you give a girl a sunday afternoon, an opinion, and a mac.

studio love.

2009-01-07T06:22:00.008-05:00

I absolutely adore music. It's one of my favorite everyday elements. A day without music just isn't the same and I'm so fortunate to be blessed with the gift of singing. I've been in and out of studios since I was about 19, but had a solo in church since the age of 7. Performing and the art of music as a whole is in my blood and singing is one of the only things I would always do, whether it paid or not. It just makes me happy. Unfortunately I didn't have the foresight to continue with my piano lessons, but over the years I have fine tuned my voice and developed my own style.

I started out recording with my DJ homie, Blak and got the opportunity to work with Young Jeezy and USDA. I'm the female vocals on 'Corporate Thuggin' which is the second single on the USDA album. Why didn't you know that you ask? Well, tragically our agreement was broken after he neglected to give me WRITTEN credit. No stacks, just credit. But, whatever Jay.

side note: i hear he does this to everyone

that's not a major recording artist.

hence, no 'feat._____' on the back

of cd's

Along with the fact that all albums are downloadable, there's a lot of mediocre artists, and the fact that everyone isn't a person of their word, made me think twice about becoming an artist myself. The music business quickly turned into the business of music. Which totally contradicts the concept of the art itself.

My love for music hasn't changed, but the game definitely has. The more I learn about it, the more I hate the whole process. But to hurry this along [because it is currently 6:29 a.m.] I just walked out of the booth. And feeling great of my performance. It was the first time I had been in the studio since April, and now I'm hungry again. The passion candle has been light and it giving off the right glow for the feng sui of 'NEW9.

Tomorrow is another session with none other than.....

[yawn] I'm sleepy. I guess you'll have to wait till tomorrow for the rest! But I will say this: this time around, credit will be given because it's due! night. night.

Ripple effect.

2009-01-03T15:29:00.011-05:00

Two thousand and eight was an interesting year I'm sure for many. One of the main highlights of course is Obama winning the presidential election and becoming the first african-american president in history. This singular event seemed to be enough to cancel out all the bad that went on in front of and behind the scenes of America because I've never seen so many smiling black people at one place at the same time. People who never thought of doing anything or changing their lives are because of the shared progress of the country. It caused a ripple effect of goodness that I hope will last all through 'NEW9. The holidays are over and it made me feel good to see people helping others and wanting to do the right thing. Even the stars came out to give back. It seems like usually they pick whatever charity to donate to, but this year was more hands on and time was taken off for more important things. Not my desired star but, I thought this picture was really cute. Mr. Jenkins himself giving back to the kids and with a brand new look I might add. Unfortunately I didn't take this pic myself. No, the credit must go to an unknown 'Kimmy' [to me at least] who left this on my myspace homie Keisha's page. So, thanks Keish and Kimmy!

And I'm a huge fan of Christmas carols and songs! Every Christmas I can guarantee on the Temptations, Whitney Houston, Nat the king, and the Mississippi Mass Choir to put me in a humble thankful state. But.... a high speed chase in a Bently? I dunno Juelz.

y'all seen this right? Right. and the girl was singing her ass off!

But let me stop. I LOVE Juelz!!! And the entire Skull Gang [hey Paris!] We all had the best time at Jeezy's birthday at Visions a few years back. So cool. Oh! And ladies, you want to know the way to his heart: a blunt of purple haze and Waffle House hashbrowns with cheese!

Speaking of my homie Paris, I had to put this pic up here. This is a 'gift' Paris Hilton bought herself for the holidays. It's so cute, but too flashy for me. Custom made pink Bently, for the woman who probably has everything. If you got it, why not? Too bad this was a few days prior to the robbery of her home. After this double whammy, I wonder how Ms. Hilton is handling this recession???

Slept on.

2009-01-03T14:44:00.007-05:00

When I was in college, one of my favorite things to do was to walk across the street to the record store and buy anything new I could find. I did this every week, no matter what my bank account looked like. I lucked up on Teedra Moses as a freshman after $200 worth. I had never heard of her before but as soon as I popped her CD in, I fell in love... with a girl! I know! There's a depth in her voice that I can feel. Unlike anyone else who was out at the time and I love the things she sings about. "You'll Never Find" was my anthem through my stay at heartbreak hotel. Over the years I've depended on the vibe of this album and played it so much I had to re-buy it 3 times, which is now a 4th since one of my female companions 'borrowed' it. I introduced it to my dj boyfriend at the time and viola! Every chick in the clubs is singing "Backstroke". It sucks that this poor girl had bad management and was signed to a label mostly geared towards the rowdy club go-ers [ ying-yang twins, Yo Gotti, and Pitbull are some of her label mates]. I feel she could go so far, and if some of her 'people' are out there, know that she has fans! Anywho, she's beautiful and talented. check her out:

I might be a little late, but she's something like a phenom!

p.s. she also has other music on her myspace page [yeah, she's on it too!] www.myspace.com/teedramoses

enjoy!

It starts here.

2009-01-02T22:27:00.001-05:00

... there's been a shift. Something has changed me, and I like it. There's a hint of arrogance and truth that I'm loving. And a complete fearlessness that fits me like a glove. I've never been accustomed to cockiness... personally. I mean, to me, all the hoop-la to emphasize the obvious isn't unnecessary. I spend the hour of preparation and enjoy it in agony worrying that my facade has started to fade. So fuck it. I'll shrug at the fact that my nails aren't always done. And value how full my lips are. My hair will remain that tussled look and 90% of my pictures will still be Bobbi Brown-less. Matter of fact, I like the way I look without the MAC. Most make up artists bring out the drag queen in me that I didn't know existed. How that ever happens to a woman still boggles me. It's wrong and whoever is going around not doing folks personal justice needs their make up brushes burned and they should be drug out in the street and shot!

I woke up this morning early and feeling refreshed. I've been doing a lot of ground work and decided to start from scratch. It feels like I've spent the past 18 months filming an involuntary reality television show, with all my actions and words being picked apart testing my faith in all things I thought were certain and at the end, it's down to me... and a few other privileged souls. Who by the way have been the most understanding and supportive people through this whole "process". Full of lows as well as highs and always... interesting. Without them I would have become one of those girls I hate who remain bitter over a course of bad choices that they ultimately made. I thank God for you all, you know who you are.

Even though it's hard to forgive and forget, I can't keep punishing myself for all the pig headed things I've done in the past. Nothing to do now but to put the big gal shoes back on and walk hard against the wind. I only get this "I-don't-want-this-for-myself-anymore-and-I'm-changing-and-never-looking-back" attitude about anything when I'm fed up and have nothing else to give to the situation. But maybe I should exercise this feeling more often.

To those who "know" me: if you know my name, or who I date/dated, or where I worked, you don't know me. Those are just some things about me and they're also obvious facts that I've stated over the years through myspace [which I plan to be getting rid of soon]. So there's no need to talk to the friends I no longer hang out with or the guys I used to date: believe the feelings are still swollen and women love to hate.

To those who know me: I don't have to say much because you already know. The dumb shit stops here folks! If you've done something that's made my contact with you less frequent, or stop all together, you know exactly why. So there's no need to go around the city asking stupid questions whose answers you already know. You know me, right?

I know this post will have some folks feeling some sort of way and that's good. I don't think people think about the feelings of others nearly as much as they should, or value the good people that they are fortunate enough to meet. Hopefully it will at least give the faux-friends out there something to think about.

Discipline.

2009-01-02T21:01:00.004-05:00

The ultimate way to prove to yourself no matter the circumstances, you can accomplish any goal that's set. It's also the reason why the fridge looks like the produce section of Whole Foods.

The guys came down just in time for New Years and to do this. I've never been very disciplined. Over the years, I've never had a steady skin care regime, I worked out in spurts, my clothes and room pretty much stayed untidy and unwashed unless I had company or needed clean underwear. I've never worn make up until now or made it habit to get my hair done. I'm a bit lazy. That, and I just don't see the point. Some of these habits have changed with age, but I still remain a tad shiftless. Mom is one of the biggest procrastinators I know but still does a 40 day fruits and vegetables fast to focus her mind for the New Year. The guys figure if they can get through 11 days, the rest of the year is pretty much theirs.

There's no wrong reason to set personal goals, I personally haven't got one in particular... hence no resolutions in the previous post but I plan on being more concrete by my birthday. Anyway, I totally support what they're doing. I just hope its truly mind over matter while I continue to flip pancakes and fry pork chops. Hopefully he'll let me post some footage through this fruit and water fast. Yeah, confessionals and all. Should be funny. They usually are. I dunno, I guess if I had to do a 'fast' of some sort it would have something to do with love. I'm not trying to get rid of it, actually I want to do it more, but with more provisions about how I distribute it. I've never had a problem being friends with my ex's [weird huh?] and I've never fell so far from grace that I've lost their love. But my problem is longing for that comfort zone. When I'm feeling lonely or want some temporary act right it's so tempting to want to go back to that 'old thing'. You know it, loved it, and can guarantee an enthusiastic visit. But what I want isn't exactly what I need. And in certain situations love isn't enough. This goes with friends as well. I have a super soft spot for misguided souls who always need answers. But I have to remember that I'm dealing with people here, not puppies. It would be nice to be able to be yourself around someone who's somewhat like you that actually stays true. Well it would be! It seems like if you didn't grow up with someone, all bets are off. I've moved 4 times during my adolescence and if the last statement I just made is true, I guess I'm screwed. So I guess to translate the last spiel, use my head in combination with my heart. Being able to feel is something I never want to stop practicing everyday. So that part is definitely here to stay.

Where I'm at.

2009-01-01T02:31:00.015-05:00

That is what I envisioned Cabo St. Luca to look like when my boss and his lady friend were considering where to celebrate the new year. I imagined baking my body until it looked like glazed terra cotta. Sipping in between Fiji and vodka and walking around the city wrapped in colors. We were to stay at hotel-ME [look it up] and I couldn't wait for Helga or other wise aesthetically trained technician to make me smooth as an hard boiled egg; just for myself. Due to misplacement of passport I wasn't able to make that flight so decided to spend time to put stock in other things.

Last new years was pure crazy for me. I spent it with my pseudo family which resulted in 'little brother's' incarceration. After that night, the rest of the months followed suit, making sure to throw me an infamous curve ball in each, just to keep me on my toes. I stayed in a cycle of confusion trusting the blind that ultimately didn't want me to advance. I put so much stock in others when there's only me I should trust. So this year, I decided to bring in things with money, food, and good company. That's right, I was another one of the many who worked in my new years. Literally.

The place was Chicago's jazz restaurant and management had enough insight to serve black eyed peas for prosperity and collard greens for... well... money. I loaded up on both. There were smiling faces in the place and of course, champaign and the countdown. I had to remain professional, keeping my camera behind the bar, but you know I got a few:

I made some really cool friends. Lavor, Eric, white girl Sara, and the lot. And Mike and Lonnie, my favorite in and out couple.

My hunnie was working a mansion party, so we shared kisses via text. That man. That man.

If I had to pick a theme for 2oo8 it would be: FRIEND. Notice the frilliness of the colors because the whole concept of the modern friend is total bullshit. Mostly based on convenience, or highly influenced by the chance of a 'come up', and never abiding by any type of loyalty. I've noticed that people show you just who they are every day. The difference between now and then is I believe them.

I have seen the evils and felt the exact degree of jealousy and learned that, quite frankly, most hate to see others happy. I've actually been told that my happiness causes discomfort. I've went through my set of friends, foes, and dumb ass hoes so much that I would never consider giving up men. My circle is so small it's basically a period and I love it. Having just what I need and part of what I want.

I still believe in love! It kinda sucks that I can't revel in my relationship publicly. I guess my gloating to the masses really pisses off the 'unofficial' ones [and I'll touch the whole 'official' 'unofficial' topic for those who are angry]. I want to actually keep the good thing we have going so let me be quiet before some broad with low self esteem and too much time on her hands tries to give him her pussy in the company holiday swag bag. Silly silly girls.

I've always had a lot to give of myself. God has given me a shit load of patience and he's blessed me with a huge heart that I intend to use. I was shown nothing but love from the people who helped make me, I feel it my duty to be an all time instructor. This also pisses people off, but that's just me. So fuck 'em!

The moral of the story is: Love me or get the fuck out my face. Plain and simple folks. OH yeah, and I plan on wearing as little make up as possible this year. This is my face world. Get used to it! I'm truly relieved that 'o8 is over! That's all.

Whew!

2008-12-26T10:03:00.006-05:00

A day after Christmas and I'm spent! Not from the gifts bought or the extra helping of macaroni and cheese but from my new job! Yes! Well, I got tired of praying to the employment gods that have been showing no mercy to no man (or woman) and decided to get my hustle on, exhausting every realistic resource I have and in turn, got what I wanted.

I've been dying to change my occupation for a couple of years now for many personal reasons. The money was good but at the end of the day, I was exhausted and unfulfilled. The only useful thing that I gained during my years of dancing are the contacts. Well, that, some pretty shoes and bags, and vacationing. Living in 'the life' is a whole 'nother blog that I will be touching soon!

I love having my nights back! I had to get that off my chest. I no longer have to force myself to wake up in time to hit the bank or have to speed shop in the mall. But I'm still kind of at this in between state where I'm out late with the vampires and up early with the humans. I live in the night but I can't stop my eyes from popping open around 10. Last night I turned in at about 2 a.m. and was up by 6 to run to home depot and let the painters in at 8 (and currently they are an hour and a half late). So needless to say, I'm a little tired. So... quick recap of the 17th-25:

went to Hawks vs. Golden State game, had some bad food, was sick all next day, first early day at work, Christmas shopping, redecorating, getting paint at home depot in heels, christmas dinner with my boss' parents, drinking beer and playing spades with 'mama', karaoke [and I won, duh]!!!

Ok, I'm going to take one of my infamous cat-naps. Then promptly curse out Jose and crew.

Last night I had a dream. .

2008-12-17T20:31:00.009-05:00

A few days earlier I was occupied with the lack of space on my hard drive and my appetite. I headed out to my car and noticed tiny pieces of glass all over my passenger seat. Then my eyes focus in on the brick. Yeah, I've had my first vehicular violation. Apparently, whoever, threw the brick with such force that it ended up wedged in between the door and the seat itself on the passengers side. Now, when the trap was booming, Progressive would have put my baby on a stretcher and carried her on to the back, brought out my temporary lover and then tell me that they'll call me when it's ready. But since the economy has hit a "slump" ( I refuse to use the word recession) Super Auto pretty much lets you get it how you live. And right now. . . unexpected costs = trash bags and tape (damn, sounds like a dope boy). I hear about a lot of bullshit, which seems to be more common these days so I'm not surprised that this happened. But what I feel was the most remarkable thing about this whole ordeal was that nothing was missing!Even my Canon zoom lens was still resting in the middle console. So yeah, hit a hurdle early on in the day, but I can still run.

Today was ridiculous in the best way. The weather here in Atlanta was 68 degrees. At 6:30 p.m. Most of the day was spent with the deck doors and windows wide open. Fans a go-go and a pile of you tube flicks to watch. What would have been the most ideal scenerio would have been to just relax the entire day but there was the 'unexpected' that had to be dealt with. It's semi sad that I mainly leave the house for roughly 4 reasons: to shop, to eat, bank runs, to work. I admit I'm a bit lazy but unless I'm spending time with people I actually like or making money, I pretty much find it pointless. So when a friend told me about a repair shop that would replace my window in my driveway I was elated. And intrigued. Why hadn't they thought of this before? I had been saying for months that the world should have infinite delivery options. Because I honestly don't feel like dealing with the special people on the road who obviously bought their licenses.

Needless to say, I gave them a ring a ding and told them to come right over. The whole process from the time I hung up the phone till the time they handed me my receipt took less than 2 hours and cost me less than $200. The guys were so nice and let me go back inside while they did their thing.

I didn't even have to worry about the glass. . . 'cause they got that too! The way things are happening on a day to day has got me wondering "what next?" Hmmmmm. Let's see. I have to get my hair re-done, get my transcripts, and get ready for work. That's right. Mama got things to do! Damn I'm hungry. Lucky for me, my trainer prescribes carbs!

I keep thinking about filing out the police report. My car wasn't in the best area, but out of the whole year I've been parking in the same spot, nothing has ever happened to it. One of the things that the officer suggested was that it could be potential rivalry. 'Beef' is the word he chose to use. I thought it was hilarious and didn't think much of it. . . . until now. The night before this all happened I had a dream that I got pulled over in my car for I assume speeding but for reasons that weren't explained, I was arrested. It's just so odd. That I was dreaming about an incident involving my car and I really had an incident with my car. And I wasn't at home. . . but there's always the what if. Let me marinate on that one and get back to you.

No place like home.

2008-12-15T22:57:00.012-05:00

Due to a course of undesirable events, I took an extended trip to see my family over the holidays. I call it my mini retreat because my family really does bring me joy. The ones I can truly say love and care for me and keep my feet on the ground. Every time I spend time with them, things that seemed hard makes sense and I definitely consider them the loves of my life. The drive home is no joke though. Here are some of the sites:

i think this is a church. . . . ?

my brother helped me out and took these while I drove.

My Mom, sister, and her two kids all live in the same town my Mom and her entire family grew up in. The same town we visited every summer for reunions and routine visits. Where the movie theaters only shows two pictures at a time and $20 is way more than enough to get sauced at the local bar. When my brother and I arrived it felt the way it always did. You head down Main St. [yeah, Main St.] and the whole montage of summers growing up with the soulful voice behind it comes to mind. You pass the pizza place that serves those square slices you like, and the home made donut shop. What is it about little towns and one of a kind cuisine? As you all will find out, I get really excited about food. I pay attention to spots that I like and even keep my favorites programmed in my cell phone as well.

A couple of days later was Thanksgiving and the whole family was at my hospitable aunt and uncle's home. I'm not sure who's idea it was, but the meal was completely catered. The food was good, but Thanksgiving just isn't the same without the home made.

Most of the kids played games, got to know each other, and begged for "one more piece of pie".

My family is huge and everybody spends the first half of a gathering catching up. With 10 of the 17 aunts and uncles in attendance, you can imagine how busy my night was. I couldn't wait to go visit my cousin who's only a few days older than me. He's always got something interesting going on.

I swear my Mom could have her own vintage car lot.

and her sense of humor is uncanny [she thinks even trees deserve faces]

my lovely Zoey. . .

the reason I don't trust many to take my pic. But, not bad considering my photographer is 4.

Zoey's pup Barack!

Hi!

2008-12-15T21:04:00.008-05:00

Ok, I guess this is the part where I tell you about myself. Well. . . this is me, in a nutshell. But before all the formalities, let me take the time out to say Hey! and thanks for checking out my blog. It's been brought to my attention this year the many facets of people, so for whatever reason brought you here, a supporting friend, someone just surfing the web, or a nay-sayer who 'just wants to see what this b**** is talkin' about'... thanks for coming all the same. I understand that everybody and their hairdresser has a blog, but I don't care. Im a writer at heart and have a need to express myself as well as share my solitary take on life and its crazy happenings.

I've always considered myself an appreciative and humble person. Lessons learned early in life taught me that anything can be taken away as easily as it's given. So I had to learn to slow down and enjoy the simple things that life has to offer. Monetary things are just that. They don't last forever, so why bank on them? My cousin Marquis really lived that credo and was a big influence on my present outlook on life. He encouraged me to not fear being open and putting myself out there for something I feel in my soul. For a common good cause. He was always smiling and willing to help anyone he came into contact with. His maturity amazed me because he was younger than I was. He passed away in a swimming accident August 3rd of this year and I couldn't believe it. It might really sound cliche but I have lost a lot more friends this year than I would like to admit and I felt a unique sensation. All the sadness and sorrow of 'not knowing why' built up too much and my soul felt the emotional fatigue. Too tired to care about the thoughts of others or their actions.

My blog isn't here to point fingers or judge lifestyle choices, or incite riots by dwelling on controversy. I am here for myself and whoever else wants to listen. To talk about something pleasant instead of celebrating the inconvenient. But bottom line, the opinion is mine and my thoughts are here to provoke. . . . more thought. My goal is to encourage someone else to adopt my same enthusiasm of life: doing what makes you happy... whatever that's supposed to mean!