if your girl only knew.

as much as i would like to think that all my previous relationships have been totally monogomous, i'm beginning to second guess. there's no possible way of tracking your partner's every move while they're not in your presence and quite honestly, people are going to do what they want... like it or not. every boyfriend i've had has been extremely clingy. wanting me at their house more than i'm at my own, wanting me to hold them, or stroke their hair, riding to business meetings and studio sessions, the whole nine.

but what if all of those requests were a defense mechanism to camoflauge some shady behavior?

since i am officially a single, cynical woman living in atlanta, i have to stop riding my own jock to add this as a possibility. i felt i did all that i could to encourage our being together, but the bottom line is: the relationships all ended. not necessarily on bad terms, but they didn't last.

the funny thing about 'quality' is that it could be interpreted in many ways, depending on what you find important. i've cooked, cleaned, washed carpets, babysitted children, cleaned up animal messes, entertained homeboys and assholes, and gave good sex. as well as many other 'quality' women in the world. but as men tend to do, when they get tired of the model they've had for a while, they choose to upgrade; thinking that 'newer is better'. the name of the game used to be loyalty; 'down-assness' was rewarded in every sense of the word. but now, the focus seems to be simply complimentary.

as if we need someone else to make us fly... but apparently so. the shinier the packaging, the more likely of finding a partner.
i just wish that the silent confidence that you have when you're in a healthy relationship could actually be justified 100%.

since i'm single [have i mentioned that enough?], occasionally i mingle, and one recently sparked my interest way more than the others. i'm a big fan of truth and once i found out that he was attatched i back away. this particular guy that i've been chatting/texting/twittering for about a month now.. he's so involved even though he denies it in general, and denies his lady friend all together. it might have worked out in his favor if atlanta wasn't such a small place. but it is. filled with the same people in the same clubs on their respected nights. and i know the young lady who's oblivious to it all.

i'm not sure on how deep the involvement is, but i know me and this man's involvement ends here. i guess most women forget what they're taught growing up and settle for behavior that puts them second but my mama didn't raise a fool. if he's doing this to this girl, what means he won't do it to me?

ladies, no matter how good your good is, doesn't mean it's that good. and with the woman to man ratio being what it is in atlanta, there's always some "fool" who get's all hot and bothered and lays with anyone who shows them attention.

lucky me, i won't put myself in a position to become used, abused, and tossed to the side. i do feel for anyone who is going through this situation, but for the record: my age won't allow my heart to make the same mistakes. so when you're boyfriend is sending me texts of how he misses me, notice that there's no response! flashy guys with no concious and a dozen concubines aren't my type.
sorry.

word of the day

things seem so much better when i'm in bed. everything's quiet, the ac's going, but the comforter is keeping me warm. and i can just relax. unforturnately, there's this thing called responsibility that calls me to do things that i don't feel like doing.

but i want things in life.

and i can't get those things without doing what's necessary of me. the fact that i'm accomplishing goals makes me feel alright with switching my occupation. it's definitely a difference in pay, but the time out of those heels are greatly appreciated!

recently, i've been bartending at a strip club for the past month and i would definitely call it work. i have to get up early to get set up for the lunch crowd and get off too late to handle any official business. i only work 3 days out of the week, but i'm in the process of finding a second job in order to move the way i want to. i miss my previous lifestyle; travel, fashion, restaurants, and alcohol consumed my everyday.

ahhh, those 'flashing lights'. it was great. but who says i can't have both? maybe not in totality. i'm not so 'into' some things as i once was, but i'm not mad about it. i don't think dinner at a nice restaurant a few times a week with friends and shopping once in a while is asking too much.

but again, gotta leave the warmth of laziness and get my sexy on. progress is so attractive.

the season is grind, apparently, but i plan on having some fun ;]

initiative (n.): an introductory act or step; leading action

initiative, get some!

comp. on the fritz

i am aware that it has been almost a month since i last posted...

what can i say?

quick recap:

*business plan in the making

*trip to nyc

*kicking bad habits

*back on my photography tip

bear with me sweeties....

[ricky voice]

"apple, you got some 'xplaining to do!"

pandora's box.

everything has a price. success, happiness, lifestyle. all comes at a price. it's coming to the point where all i really need in this world is family and my affiliates. i use the word 'affiliate' because they are affiliated with something that i enjoy: the arts, fine dining, money management and can enrich my life in a major way. my role is coming soon. i can feel it. staying focused and confident in myself is the major key. the recession has brought out the sharks in my pond but in order to truly live to my potential, i can't be afraid to swim in deep waters. god help me now. i've made the choice and signed on the dotted line to go get what i want. the problem with getting what you want sometimes is that it's not always what you need. hopefully 'the good life' is all i expected. but if not, then that's alright too. at least i know i've tried. "little one" has grown up and it's all up to me to carry on the burdens of my world. the journey will only make me stronger... god bless the child that holds her own.