right now i'm:

Realizing the error in my ways. Even though I know plenty who get over, I've never believed that they would walk away with their hands clean with no ramifications of their actions. Karma is the concept that everything completes the course of a circle. What goes around, comes around, and so-on. The quicker I stopped playing innocent and quit finding excuses to pacify myself and my ''cause'', the faster it was to stop the cycle of chaos. It's better to be clear with yourself and not fall into the comfort of the cop-out. 

Real recognizes real. Everyone that I've met that is supposed to be a "somebody" has not measured up to half of the shit they talk. Ok, you dress fly, or you're always in the hottest spots, or you model. What else? I've read countless articles that ramble on centering around a catch phrase or ideology of what they have rationalized as acceptable. Over doing everything but never saying much.  Let's face it: the days of the "baller" is dead and most people don't have the balls to put out there that, yeah, they drive a Porsche truck and possess the accessories that go along with the facade, but pull up to their apartment complex where they have standard rent a center furniture, and have to take their clothes to the fluff and fold because they wouldn't invest in a washer/dryer from HhGregg. Don't have a chair to sit on but you can guarantee that the bag hanging on the closet door handle is the latest Louie. I'm so tired of the disillusioned thinking that goes with this hypothetical. I'm so sick of the fragrance of the times: desperation. Reaching every nostril and rotting brain regions. Desperate times have called for desperate measures, and most have proven the strangeness of their change...

Have been blessed beyond measure. Being pleasantly busy with new terminology and concepts for another job that I've been fortunate enough to get my hands on as a consultant. I had purposely stayed from all things corporate. All I imagined was a cubicle and an uptight boss always on my back. To me the whole role meant surpressing the colors and ridiculous scenerios in my mind and looking at figures on a page. Growing older has given me a new appreciation and drive to be dynamic. The disposition of the generation is the feeling of 'being pimped' by their jobs. After being on the other side of the glass, dealing with my income being solely tips, I found out there's no growth or advancement in the hustle, and no matter how many 'big fish' you bring to the corporation, chances are, your efforts will go unnoticed. So I'll trade the fast lane for a corner office in the ac or heat [depending on the season] and get rewarded by my hard work in the form of commission and bonuses. Health benefits and 401k plans. So I guess the first thing on the agenda: pencil skirts, silk blouses, and a briefcase. I'm really excited on getting ready for the renovations at my house and being one step closer to "normalcy". God is good.

Glad I can finally call my Mom with great news. News that will change her life in a huge way and take a lot of stress and strain off of her. My goal ever since I graduated from high school was to position myself where I could one day tell my Mom she didn't have to work anymore and could do whatever she wanted. I've always prided myself in being able to help people I care about have a good quality of life. She's been having a hard time living in Ohio and maintaining her bills with another property here in Georgia. She takes care of my niece and nephew whenever my sister works but deserves her time to be selfish. I'm one step closer to making that dream a reality.

Going crazy trying not to think of 'him'. I miss him a lot, as a person and wonder about his everyday: if he's eating, if he's getting enough rest, so on. But then I remember that he's probably wondering the same thing: when is he's going to eat, laying around the house with Queenie, doing exactly what he wants. And I focus back on my day. Besides my dog, and a few pounds, I've lost a few more things that just weren't worth giving up because of something I wanted. I wanted to be with him. Now the difference between want and need is blatant to me. Carmen thinks that I won't be truly blessed until I'm surrounded by the people who deserve Me the most. Ever since I've been on my own I've been advancing. I'm not saying that he held me back... I'm just saying. 

Can't stop smiling from all the happenings in my life. I spent over a year with someone I couldn't be myself around and didn't feel the support I needed in order to make changes in my life. Reconnecting with old friends has got me feeling real... necessary. That feeling is important. 'He' told me that no one gives a fuck about my situation. Why would he think that would help me? And if he wasn't trying to help, why would he try to hurt me? Turns out he was wrong.

It's the first time in a long time I'm glad my lover told me a lie.