cry baby.

It's around 5 a.m. and I'm just now taking off my make up from the night before. I don't know why I do stuff like that, but thank God I have good skin. I've had a lot on my mind lately. So thick and heavy that I just want to sit up in the house and think and be alone. I passed up recent clubbing and a few trips because I just don't feel ready. I know now more than ever that I need to do what I have to or else I'm going to keep getting into the same nonsense that's been causing me aggravation and has been wasting a lot of my time. I think I've got the 'reason' for the course of unfortunate events. Especially about the people that have come and gone from my life in the past 3 years. I honestly didn't know what made them spread rumors to make themselves look better when all I did was be a friend, or why certain relationships didn't work out and others have been re sparked... maybe God needed me to surround myself with dynamic people who can handle rain until I get to my sunshine.

When I always had somewhere to go, money to make it happen, and an 'issue' that needed solving, I always had

 someone right there, to keep me company. O my how I've grown. I had so many faux-ships that were built on sheer convenience. My mentality behind sharing my world with others was that I wished I didn't have to figure everything out myself. But I can honestly say that I'm much more reserved about my abilities and acquaintances nowadays and my stand off-ish behavior keeps a lot of bullshit away from me. Personally, I like it. It's not a permanent disposition, I don't mind helping those who are helping themselves. Even though these people had the opportunity to use me then, we both know they don't posses the qualities in people that I need in my life right now: honesty, compassion, loyalty. There's no better advice than from previous mishaps and from people who actually care. Having the time to and for myself has given me the strength to do better.

On my previous post, I mentioned the issue that has recently developed in my family. One huge 'plus' for having many family members is that there's always someone to pick up the slack if you fall onto hard times. Even though she wouldn't readily admit, my sister has developed a drinking problem and is presently being held in East Point for a dui. Needless to say, my Mom officially has full custody over my nephew and nieces. We as a family felt this was necessary over a number of instances and we couldn't afford to wait this one out. My background check is being ran since I spend some time there and big sis is in the process of getting it together. Whether she knows it or not. I just feel like this is what was needed in order to remind her of all the things she's forgotten: she's a mother, a sister, a daughter. She's someone who people depend on and love in many ways. She called me last week to see if I would go to her hearing. She said she needed me there. But if I know her like no one else in the world does, she probably just need a ride afterwards. 

I still love her though. We all can't help but be human sometimes, especially if we somehow feel damaged. I never would have thought that her demons had gotten that out of control and that she hadn't talked to any of us about them. One of my biggest flaws in my previous relationship was that I'm a person who isn't afraid to show my emotions. I have my crying days and bitchy ways, and exhibit these feelings when they apply. And as much of a nag as it makes me seem, I would so much rather be understood than assumed. The phrase might have double meaning but the tone makes it clear as crystal. Me having my moments helps get over what I'm feeling in a constructive way. I would love to sedate myself and feel nothing when I don't know what else to do, and it seems too complicated for anyone to understand. But when I come down from my cloud, things always look worse. So, I get emotional, and I let the tears flow. When the time is right, I'll tell my sister to be the gutsy woman I know she is and let it all out. So we can get past this and she can become the woman she was meant to be.