official. [oh-fish-ee-ahl] !

I am absolutely in L-O-V-E with this song and! there's nothing better than 'getting it how you live' on your nude day! I tried to explain that to the 'ex' that he has to put the 'EX' into sex if the memories of who came before him are to disappear. He never took me seriously....

p.s. the return of the slim video vixen.

viva la game!

my new obsession. 

i heart derwin.

last night a dj saved my life.

I love music. It's definitely a part of my daily "must haves". I love how it makes me feel and I have been involved in some sort of musical activity since I was 7. I've watched hundred of movies, been to many games, plays, and functions, but for some magical reason, music is the only thing that makes me remember exactly what was going on in life in detail. Anita Baker's 'Caught up in the Rapture' flooded the hallways during my early D.C. years, George Michael's 'Never Gonna Dance Again' stuck with me from the start. Along with 'Wake Me Up'. 'Living off the Wall' started my mirror concerts, and BelBivDevoe's 'Poison' ignited my ego and interest in boys. The 'Percolator' taught me that good songs don't have to have a million words to be considered good. 'My My My' was my first cassette tape and started my love for dark skinned men. I could go on and on until present time but I think you get the point. 

It's only natural [to me] that when I began to date that I dated DJ's. It's not anything that I've meant to do on purpose, but it has turned out that way... 3 times. I mean, I've dated guys who have done other things, but it's always worked when I was involved with someone I shared a deep interest with. There's nothing more sexy than watching someone who loves what they do. When the headphones go on and that body starts bobbing I notice a certain level of concentration that's different from the salesman or bartender. You can see how much the craft means to him, and to me, is an attractive trait. 

I revisited a track that was dedicated to me by one of my favorite DJ's that is so me and has reminded me of something that could help right now. Things in my life have changed. I've learned a lot. Most of the things I've been going through have questioned my belief system. I no longer see the benefit in [most] people, mostly doubt. There are so many punk asses out there that want everything but don't know what it takes to get it. You can't win by trying to get over, bottom line. But just because that's how things are in their world, doesn't mean that's what it has to be for me. I keep reminding myself of the simple times. When my emotions could go from night to day in a matter of a switch of a song. Hope is what my heart is made of...

another senseless act.

I lived in old 4th ward a couple years ago. For those of you who don't know where that is, it's an area in Atlanta that includes the MLK center, historic Auburn Ave., Edgewood Blvd., ect. There was a little corner store that was right across the street from the building I lived in that I visited daily. I was crossing the street to go back inside my apartment when a two seater mercedes benz pulls up beside the sidewalk and stop. I continued my path to the building and I had to pass the car to get there. Needless to say, I was summoned to the car. After bending down to look inside the window, I noticed who it was. A young, up and coming rapper who's song featuring Akon and T-Pain was monopolizing the clubs. We exchanged names [he told me his was 'Rodrigues'] and asked me if I needed a ride to where I was going. I said no, and he took off. As small and insignificant as that encounter might appear, it was a glimpse, none the less into someone else's life. It's easily assumed that most stars these days are assholes and were skimped on manners, but if there's one thing I can say is that Dolla was a polite and considerate young man with a helluva swag. I'll miss you.

jam wit me!!

i can't wait for my life to begin!

Does that make any sense? I mean, I've had my share of experiences and have done many things to make me feel 'alive', but I mean I'm ready to establish my legacy. My personal empire that's going to let me live the kind of life I've dreamed of. My corporate lifestyle was short lived. It turns out the economy has effected everyone. When I was informed that a wealth and money management firm couldn't afford to pay it's employees for the past pay period I knew it was time to take matters into my own hands. I went back to my quick financial solution [i.e. the club] after a six month hiatus. I still feel the same about wanting a job vs. a career, because the "trap" is exactly that... a trap. There's no real future or advancement and who wants to spend their entire life being that sort of 'yes man'? Regardless of what most will think and say, no one's going to take care of me better than me. And at this point in time, I'm not trying to be 'saved'. I mean, if someone sees the potential in me and has the time to be there in the way they say, then they can help out. But I no longer believe sugar daddies exist. After the illusion is created [good food, bottles at the club, a few extra dollars] and you decide to compromise yourself, the object of the game is completed, because he can control the entire situation. 

Calls get ignored, waiting all day for your "allowance", cell phone and cars in their name are the protocol for the modern day sugar daddy. 

It sounds real glamorous to live on someone else's ticket. I mean, playing someone's doll can be very fun... until they get tired of the attitude that we all get when we're comfortable, and realize that there's other pussy available. And all the trips, shopping sprees, and furnished apartments were all tools to control you. At the end of most affairs with sugar daddies, the mistress is none the wiser. She posesses no useful knowledge on how to maintain the lifestyle she now requires. I respect the message in songs like "miss independent", "she got her own" because it's saying what's ultimately respected. Whether it's accepted or not, respect is one thing that definitely screams: LONGEVITY. 

In the past few days, I've met a couple 'captain save 'em's who sound real interested in furthering my cause. What I try to explain [because I like to be clear] is that I have officially reached jaded. My eyes have been opened. I have seen the light! Bottom line: I'm not as naive as I look and I know the difference between a man who wants to be with me, and a man who wants to play with me. I want to invest my time in someone who's going to teach me something and support my dreams. It's such a turn off when a guy can't even wait 24 hours before he's pressing all on you and expected the whole rump roast and potatoes. 

Every VIP in my life always advices me to focus on something, and go for it! Sounds easy enough, and it would be if I weren't interested in so many things. My business minded friends tell me to go where the money is. My creative friends tell me to follow my heart and do something I love. Why can't I do both? They make it sound so: "one of the other". But maybe for right now, that's how I have to look at things, because I'm starting to feel my age with every order or buffalo wings and I can't trust the government for my retirement plan. So... yeah. School has been on my mind for a while now, and it's about time I finish that chapter of my life anyway. I'm narrowing down my major, which used to be journalism, but doesn't seem to be necessary anymore. I'll have something singled out sooner than later. until then...

cry baby.

It's around 5 a.m. and I'm just now taking off my make up from the night before. I don't know why I do stuff like that, but thank God I have good skin. I've had a lot on my mind lately. So thick and heavy that I just want to sit up in the house and think and be alone. I passed up recent clubbing and a few trips because I just don't feel ready. I know now more than ever that I need to do what I have to or else I'm going to keep getting into the same nonsense that's been causing me aggravation and has been wasting a lot of my time. I think I've got the 'reason' for the course of unfortunate events. Especially about the people that have come and gone from my life in the past 3 years. I honestly didn't know what made them spread rumors to make themselves look better when all I did was be a friend, or why certain relationships didn't work out and others have been re sparked... maybe God needed me to surround myself with dynamic people who can handle rain until I get to my sunshine.

When I always had somewhere to go, money to make it happen, and an 'issue' that needed solving, I always had

 someone right there, to keep me company. O my how I've grown. I had so many faux-ships that were built on sheer convenience. My mentality behind sharing my world with others was that I wished I didn't have to figure everything out myself. But I can honestly say that I'm much more reserved about my abilities and acquaintances nowadays and my stand off-ish behavior keeps a lot of bullshit away from me. Personally, I like it. It's not a permanent disposition, I don't mind helping those who are helping themselves. Even though these people had the opportunity to use me then, we both know they don't posses the qualities in people that I need in my life right now: honesty, compassion, loyalty. There's no better advice than from previous mishaps and from people who actually care. Having the time to and for myself has given me the strength to do better.

On my previous post, I mentioned the issue that has recently developed in my family. One huge 'plus' for having many family members is that there's always someone to pick up the slack if you fall onto hard times. Even though she wouldn't readily admit, my sister has developed a drinking problem and is presently being held in East Point for a dui. Needless to say, my Mom officially has full custody over my nephew and nieces. We as a family felt this was necessary over a number of instances and we couldn't afford to wait this one out. My background check is being ran since I spend some time there and big sis is in the process of getting it together. Whether she knows it or not. I just feel like this is what was needed in order to remind her of all the things she's forgotten: she's a mother, a sister, a daughter. She's someone who people depend on and love in many ways. She called me last week to see if I would go to her hearing. She said she needed me there. But if I know her like no one else in the world does, she probably just need a ride afterwards. 

I still love her though. We all can't help but be human sometimes, especially if we somehow feel damaged. I never would have thought that her demons had gotten that out of control and that she hadn't talked to any of us about them. One of my biggest flaws in my previous relationship was that I'm a person who isn't afraid to show my emotions. I have my crying days and bitchy ways, and exhibit these feelings when they apply. And as much of a nag as it makes me seem, I would so much rather be understood than assumed. The phrase might have double meaning but the tone makes it clear as crystal. Me having my moments helps get over what I'm feeling in a constructive way. I would love to sedate myself and feel nothing when I don't know what else to do, and it seems too complicated for anyone to understand. But when I come down from my cloud, things always look worse. So, I get emotional, and I let the tears flow. When the time is right, I'll tell my sister to be the gutsy woman I know she is and let it all out. So we can get past this and she can become the woman she was meant to be.

mom's day.

gosh! where would i be without my mom? i remember all the meals and hugs and stories. i appreciate the fact that she put me in activities with other girls, so i can learn to work with them, instead of thinking they're the enemy. girl scouts, girls inc., softball, track, all the field trips. she was involved with it all. she's always there for me, and we speak everyday. she's one of my dearest friends and one of my favorite 'girls' in the whole world. that's an early pic of me and my mom [circa 1983]. i just wanted the world to know how wonderful my mom is and how special she's made my life. my parents provided a comfortable life for me and my siblings, that's what is the foundation for my view on life.

this is my niece zoey. the sweetest, engaging character i've ever met. she has no problem starting conversations with people her age and she's polite in the presence of adults. she's so lovable and cuddly and loves to cuddle with me. she makes up songs, and can entertain herself for hours. our little sweet tea.


zoey and i had a ball at the fair that was near our house. she rode everything, and i won her a stuffed dog ''delilah''. ahsa is the newest addition to our family. the prettiest red bone with grey/brown eyes. her smile lights up my whole day. i really enjoyed having my family here for the week. i just hope everything works itself for the better for my family. i swear, if it's not one thing, it's another. but, as i always say: when things don't go as planned, plan it as you go. 

i couldn't imagine being a mom and not being active and accountable in my child's life. unfortunately, everybody either can't, or doesn't feel the same way. i know so many people who have kids who constantly drop them off at ms. emma's house so they can sleep, shop, bullshit, travel, club. most of these activities don't involve making any money, but always benefit the mother. the ''type'' of person  could think this way could well be anyone.  from any ethnic background or upbringing, there are no distinct physical characteristics. i know i'm rambling but let me just go on this one. my sister has never ever really quite gotten it together. for many reasons. the story's too long. but it's apparent that things have gotten a little out of control. my mom is moving forward to adopt my nieces and nephew. i don't live near my family so i tend to miss a lot, and i've learned this week that my sister has a problem with alcohol.

so much that it's effecting her judgement and putting her kids in danger. i never would have thought that my sister would be effected by this disease. just one more hurdle in the road.

what would i do without my "smile through it" attitude? i have to do what i have to do. it's just a blessing patience is one of my personal qualities. 

my nephew couldn't made the trip due to baseball, and the 10th grade. but he dedicated this song my my mom. the men in my family make me so proud.

                                                     

EVERY girl in the world?

                                 
i'm really digging this song. purely on the strength of the beat. but i'm not sure if it's necessarily an 'attractive' thing for a guy to want to fuck every girl in the world. does that make him a man-whore? or should i say, rock star[?]