so old school [one]

"... I don't know what happened, all my kids have old souls." Something my Mom once told me during another discussion about life. I've always felt that I've been here before, not literally, but... yeah. I love listening to records, keeping a bound journal, pressing my hair, wearing vintage beaver coats and oxford style shoes. All that good stuff.

When I was younger, I was all about the gadgets. I remember getting the first sidekick ever and feeling foolish when no one I knew had one to chat with. But I had that number since

 high school and didn't want to change it [I keep everything] so I got a sprint phone. For the ring tones of course! When I got impatient with my sidekick, I dropped that and got a treo to recieve my emails on hand and continued to upgrade whenever the newest whatever came out. I stuck to my 'tried and true' blackberry for the longest until I lost the war to orange soda damage [womp womp]. I was the same with cameras, ipods, computers, laptops, the works. Now, I'm satisfied with one blackberry, one laptop, my pc, and my ipod. All the movies about national security and super multi functional technology raised a certain level of paranoia that I could do without. It's like, what would you do when that shit decides to malfunction? Basically, you're screwed. And I decided to stop fronting like I had so much going on that I need all this 'necessary crap'. 

So. Somewhere around mid July, I started feeling restless with my comcast service. Can someone tell me the pros of this 'HD convertor box'? I see it mainly as a  bullshit way to boost the economy by making people buy new sets. And just a thought: where do all the old tv's go? The parts that come inside can't be good for the environment.

Me and the Mr. would be watching the game or the newest First 48 and all of a sudden 

the screen would be diagnosed with cerebral palsy and fuck up the entire evening. The episodes were so frustrating and chronic that we just simplified to just internet service. Our local representative[s] had been more than accommodating with the offers of free channels but what good would they have done if we couldn't watch them? But with the help from one of the homies, we do receive basic cable, including 3 pay per views... for free! Life is still sweet without all the extra and as long as they keep running reruns of Living Single and RoseAnne I'm sure I'll manage [:

by the way: I totally forgot about superbowl... someone tell me about it!

gimme some more..

 i can't believe they have bloopers! haha. 

"you gotta get it right buddy!" -Steele [juice]

                     


                     


                    

Whoopie!

This shit is too cute and funny. I love it when people in advertising actually get creative and put some humor on it! And the latest Durex condom commercial is so adorable I might buy some just to see what will happen when I leave them alone on my night stand. The question I have is what network is running commercials like this? I've heard that overseas television is more liberal, offering naked news and such. The latex threesome might be ill-timed and the '69' clip avoidable, but in these days and times, the commercial helps to educate the masses. It bothers me that as sexually charged as everything is, the education of sex is a joke.  'The talk' for me included a book that had drawings, diagrams, fill in the blanks, multiple choice... needless to say, a little uncomfortable. That was in the era where people thought that condoms were only for gay people. Thank God those days are over. Now we still have a high teen pregnancy rate, teen prostitution, and the new thing is to infect someone else on purpose because they didn't want to strap up in the past! Just nasty. Messages like this is a must! Sex. The proverbial pink elephant for parents. I guess people feel that if they don't acknowledge that it exists, that it would go away or it could be prevented, but certain desires are innate and can never be avoided. Sexual activity and expression is a part of human nature and instead of making kids feel ashamed of how they feel and ignorant of the subject all together. I'm not going to speak too much on the topic because I'm not a parent but I believe that having an open line with your child and good timing is important. Anyway, enjoy!

                           

indian sighting

Sometimes there's nothing better than getting dressed up [or down] and going out with good people. Hearing some good music, a little goose and bull, maybe some herb, good times. Since my Mr. works in a club we don't get to get out much. For the most part, that's fine with me, but tonight, I was really excited to blow off some steam.  Tonight was an outing for family. Our friend Plair was scheduled to preform tonight at Apache Cafe. I love Apache. The first time I went, my sister and I waited nervously as the door man eyeballed my fake ID. After a reluctant admittance I was introduced to the open mic scene.

Never have I considered myself a flashy person, but I always have a tendency to have some sort of unnecessary shit on. I'm always a big fan of stackable bracelets and over sized watches. Hoop earrings, and I've even thrown my gold class ring into the mix. I dunno. If I want to wear it, nine times out of ten, it's getting put on. After all the flat ironing and curling and prepping, I walked outside and thought: "I should have put on my knit beret"! Atlanta weather truly has me loopy with it's indecisiveness. The streets were lightly layered with fog and by the time we had walked to the front door, most of my curl had fallen ]: As soon as we stepped inside the foyer of the cafe, we heard the familiar lyrics to one of Plair's songs. It pissed me off to learn that even the hole in the walls have gone hollywood as they exercised their right to have us wait at the front. After figuring out that we got there at the end of his set we decided to finish the show where we stood. Once again our guy did his thing but I didn't get to partake in the rest of the festivities. 

I can't believe I haven't had a drink since new years! But I couldn't imagine an outing without it. You're not dealing with a dependency chick here so call off the interventianalist! The 'happy juice' makes me forget that I'm just in a room listening to music with a bunch of strangers. Anyway, thought I'd share my fly-by-could-have-happened-ing.

I gotta stop watching tv while I blog. this shit took entirely too long to write.

Line of demarcation [a parte dois]

Ok, I admit it, it took a little longer than I expected for the 'follow up' of the previous post. I just needed some time to access everything. That, and at this point in time, I still have to partially censor myself for sanity's sake. One thing that I've observed when it comes to relationships  is the funny way one person literally disappears until it completely becomes about just the one person. Or as the benefactor would call it "us". Men have a lesser tendency to bend themselves so most of the time, it's the lady who has to be the one to take the back seat or adjust her behavior in order for the relationship to continue. The view of the scale is unbalanced but... what are you gonna do about nature? See? Women are stubborn in our own right too and we usually choose to flex our muscle when we feel like we've had enough. When our emotions are run ragged it's exhausting to hold it all together. The line of demarcation is the breaking point. A time when you mentally slap yourself across the face and say enough is enough. And embark change.

My opinion and expectations of what a relationship is has drastically changed over the past year and a half. I am so old school when it comes to the dynamics of men and women. I enjoy my meek manner and don't mind letting my man playing his part. I've had 3 serious boyfriends and just recently, my current love and I have observed the dreaded one year. Why dreaded? Because it's just enough time where you feel you know everything that you're going to know about that person but at the same time, it's enough time for the comfort to set in. Ridiculous misunderstandings, category 5 arguments, the 'laxed disregard of the little things, all of that. Not talking about my relationship, I'm just saying. hehe.

Anyway, I'm mildly p.o.'ed at myself for becoming the invisible girl. Wrapping myself in boy shorts, wife beaters, and wit in order to be seen. Don't get me wrong, playing dress up has been fun, but recently, I woke up. I think. My intuition ended up working in my favor and it made me think about what needed to happen in order for things to change. It was 'fun' going through the process of what is wrong with whom. Hearing and releasing suppressed feelings. But I pretty much had my mind made up after the first 15 minutes of madeness. It makes me smile to know that with this crazy Atlantan ratio of men and women, the one I chose has chosen to meet me half way. I have no problem investing time into someone with purpose, but at this point, it's time to show myself, that that's me, too. I got too comfy. So it's obvious the resolution is that it's me who has to change. Surprise! I'm sure Mr. Mr. is relieved to have the stress of the introspection off his shoulders, but the funny thing about change is, you might not always like what is changed or what it's changed into. Even though a lot of guys these days are looking for a woman who has herself established and totally 'together', I know they would feel completely useless if we didn't need them for anything. 

You kinda have to take the good with the bad and have the sanity to understand that everyone has been damaged by some bitch or bitch-ass nigga, but that's everyone. It's hard to put yourself out there and be fearless when it comes to love and in my opinion, leaving love out all together cuts yourself from some sort of hidden blessing. You have to go with what you feel, or if you're the practical type, make a list. It's bittersweet that anyone has to change, instead of people just swallowing that things just might not work out, just cause. Either you stay or you leave. Evolve or remain the same. I've chosen my pill, and I've got my tall drink of water to ease it down.

Line of demarcation [parte uma]

this is a two parter.

sorry it's been a couple of days. but a couple of things have come to my attention and sometimes a girl just needs her space to figure out her next move. but here's something anyway. a song i've listened to many times and just liked what it said because i feel when it comes to relationships, women are expected to put up with a lot more than men are. the double standards of the 'nature' of men and women... i hate em! i hate em! i hate em.

weary.

if a woman is growing weary

of having to be so strong.

of having to pretend i'm made of stone,

so i won't end up with no broken bones.

i can't fight every battle alone.

i want someone to lift me.

heal my wounds and give me kisses on the head,

say words that should be said.

fear is not the matter,

i would so much rather open up my heart,

and lay down my guard.

if i could trust someone

to have my back and never do me wrong

i would give my love up

just like that and stop singing this soldier's song.

whoever said love is over rated

must not get enough.

my independent days have had their fun.

but when the party's over

and the working day is done.

i just want to go home to someone.

i want a love to take me

as i am not make me

compromise myself.

or put up no one else.

fear is not the matter

i would so much rather 

open up my heart.

and just lay down my guard.

words by: amel larriex

Same love song.

I have a confession to make: I haven't bought an album since Coldplay's 'Rainbows'. And I'm supposed to be a straaaight up music head. I know, it's just that... music has become so... boring. I mean, REALLY boring. Am I the only one noticing how boring the music has become? I swear, everybody's "swagger is so mean" and is "the baddest" or "the man in their city" I mean, what the fuck guys? That's one of the main reasons I don't even go out anymore. The club is the one place where you're supposed to hear something you've never heard before. Last time I was at Lucky I couldn't even do my two step because it seemed as if at least 15 minutes had passed and it sounded like the same song. After that, I was ready to call it quits for a while...

I made it a deliberate point to stay out of the

 tabloids for a reason. I'm so sick of talking and hearing about people. Who's going to be in town, who went out of town, who's fucking with who, that bitch said what about me? Things that didn't have any substance or any true validity to my life. And all the energy spent on others, caused the pause of the "cause" that is called Me. So, I'm done with it. I still read my regular variety periodicals and catch my fair share of television but I want to learn about different shit. I'm ready to add some extra spices to my life. Life lately has got me thinking about psychology, nutrition, and advertising classes. Learning about sketching and sculpting and cooking more than just soul food. My goal is to become as well rounded as Rick Ross' abdomen as quickly as possible.

 Remember: progress is sexy!

                             

Anyway, I was looking through February's Vibe and decided to read Kanye's article. Poor Kanye. I couldn't imagine what life was like for him over the past couple of years with folks like you all to please [; When he started with the lined shades and the "louie louie everywhere" he fell off of my radar. Don't get me wrong, I love a well dressed man, but not when it looks like you want to say: "my fiance just left me, now who's gonna pick out my outfits?" Still made the good shit when it came to the music, but I wasn't sure if I could deal with a whole album of him singing. But after reading this article, I'm proud to announce our boy is ok! He seems at peace. If that makes any sense. With his mother. His love life. His music. His direction. He just seems real... comfy. Which is always great. And he's still got the cockiness we all love to hate! He's tired. But who isn't these days. Overall a good read, even though the overall quality of the magazine has dramatically dropped, if you ask me. So, check it out, buy it. Read it. All that good stuff.

The makings of a "good Kanye interview" [according to Kanye]:

    "Politically incorrect shit that's obvious that no one speaks on. Bold statements. A bit of heart. Inspiration. Aspiration. A bit of humor, in my opinion..."

in a nutshell.

God bless the child.

My sister is one of my heros, whether she knows it or not. Not because she's been through a lot physically, but because she has brought 3 of my favorite people into my life. Number three just arriving just 8 days ago. 

Mom is one of the only universal words that reminds people of that happy place. 

That makes them think about their taste of real love and the first true model of what a woman is supposed to be. At least I hope. When I think of Mom I think about all the field trips she went on with me, the healthy snacks she would make my girl scout troupe, and the way she always let me know that she was there, no matter what. God, I want to be that superhero- to my kids.  One of the things I have to do before I die is have a baby. To experience making another 'me' and be responsible for the shaping of their life. 

Meet my sister, Janine! Neen-bean for short. Who was always getting mad whenever I dipped into her closet without asking, or telling me how 'cute I thought I was', or coming in from that house party way too late. She's 9 years my senior and I thought she was amazing. Always had a cute 'friend', dressed in all the latest cross colors

 and cutting the tops of her Malcolm X hats so her ponytail could

 come through. My brother and I could rely on her to bring us home mexican pizzas and cinnamon twists when she got off her shift at Taco Bell and [after we moved the furniture] "percolated" all the way into the splits until we cried laughing. Custom designed prom dresses, celebrity friendships [Bushwick Bill was the homie!], and a bomb ass job as a dj on the radio. Avid freestyler, free spirited, and black and proud! She's the shit. What else can I say?

She was the first person I got into a fist fight with and the only one who trusts me enough to tell her deepest secrets to. We've learned the art of motherhood together and I couldn't have picked a better 'study buddy'. I admire the way she's there, every day to get up her 15 and 5 year olds together. Keeping them involved in activities and going to PTA meetings. Scheduling the birthday parties and staying up late for the clean up. She spends time with them and the relationship she shares with her children is magical. I only hope that my kids love me as much as her kids love her. I can't wait to meet and get to know my new niece. Thanks Janine for giving me another one to love on. 

She looks like a character already! And don't mind the head [damn forceps!]

p.s. I don't see how half way moms and dads do it-- how could you not wanna see a face like that everyday?! I guess some get "it" and some don't.

delete. delete. delete.

I really don't like getting rid of stuff, but I had to start thinking of what wouldn't make it to help tell the tale. It all started about a month ago when the "unthinkable" happened. My Mac of two years had informed me that I was running low on disk space! Right then, I had a Carrie moment and thought what would happen if I lost everything? I mean, I've got a few editing programs of software, about 4,500 pictures, and roughly 3,500 songs in my iTunes collection. I still wouldn't have thought that

1. I would accumulate so much 'necessary' crap and
2. I've only had it for TWO YEARS!

Oh, the powers of persuasion. I've always been a PC gal, only coming into contact with Apples on occasion but the campaign for Mac a couple of years ago had me thinking that only big b

oys and girls used them. And if I wanted to step my game up, this is what I need to get. By the time I was done watching the commercial, I was convinced by their design, built in camera and ethernet connects, and their storage capability. And I swore I heard you could run faster and clear all levels of spam in a single bound, but i dunno. The next morning, me, my favorite tech guy, and 1300 George Washington's were in the store buying my new baby. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my laptop. I'm just slightly disappointed in the fact that I had to remedy this situation so 'early'.

Anyway, so I was stuck at a crossroads with only two paths to go down: either this stays, or it goes. I went through so many pictures deleting things that I already regret, got rid of my entire photo booth library [those were some good ones], and wiped out all the files in Limewire. I hated to hate, but there was simply no room and I was trying to avoid looking all extra at the bookstore with a million hard drives sticking out of my bag. But..... I said fuck it and did what I needed to do. Got me a hard drive.

Not badly priced for all the extra room you get [500 GB]. All placed in this compact device.

 I normally would have taken these pictures myself but it's too much after I upload, edit, and save it, AND I take all my own pictures so.... I think these will do [; 

This should have been purchased a month ago and all those memories didn't have to go, but I'm glad I got rid of a lot of shit. Here are some 'throw- backs' for your enjoyment:

THE ONES "WHO GOT TO STAY":

My flickr account should be complete soon to check out the rest. Stay tuned!

Luck of the cut.

There have been times when I spend money on a hairstyle that has gone awry. It always seems to be something. The longevity of the style is what disappoints me most often but the cut is what usually determines if I run my stylist back for round two. I'm hilarious. Sometimes I visit 3 different salons until I achieve the exact look I was going for, of it ends up being me, in the mirror with my straight razor. It turns I'm not only picky about my food, but with the cut of my clothing, the feet on my men, and the cut of my weave.  By the time Whoever gets done with my head, I want to be able to go out in public and women tell me how pretty my hair is. In other words, IT HAS TO BE REALISTIC! If the wind blows, there should be no braids showing. I want to be able to run my fingers through and pull it up into a high pony without tracks exposed. Oh and yes, I wear a weave. A fashion trend I picked up about 5 years ago, when I was struggling with going natural. I love the versatility of having one and I have worn quite a few different styles but I always revert back to some variation of "bed hair". Purposely unruly and fun but still looks good. Busting down $500 can give a girl her own reason of reserve when choosing a stylist and I had to make sure I had the "perfect" one [if there is such thing]. When I found him, I reluctantly let him swipe the card and begin my transformation. Sweetness can mostly be sensed and I felt how sweet my stylist thought I was with every secure stitch. Braided me tight, massaged my scalp. Goody's powder with Pana.

I decided to give myself a lose curl with my flat irons this morning before errands. The cut I received had them falling just the way I imagined. Only the rest of the story went that I was just getting out of bed with my head looking this good!

Yeah, I was feeling the hell outta my hair! And the day look only got better, but a little too windy. Hot damn! My hair is long enough to pull into a  full ponytail! The rest of the day 

for me had me feeling like Miss Beyonce

herself. Think the cover of B-Day:

I simply finger combed my hair into a high ponytail and secured it with a coated hair tie and pulled tight. I let the bangs do their thing. One things for sure, the cut made a world of difference to make my day effortlessly glamourous. My advice: invest wiseLy!

All the world's a stage.

I was flipping channels this evening and got caught in a trance of what life was like in the past. I didn't catch the name of the program but it looked like the original version of the 'Johnny Carson Show', featuring young talent and different entertainment acts. We've come a long way. Something that is so hard to explain to the generation that my 15 year old nephew is a part of. To them, it's like the whole era of the minstrel show never existed so when they see the modern day version it's considered "normal". I give props to renegade directors like Spike Lee who brought the movie 'Bamboozled' to the main screen for all the youngin's.

They don't understand that it was once considered "normal" for white men to put on the black face in order to play black characters instead of just hiring them. The whole aim of the black participants was to just sing and dance. Never give any of themselves. They were the joke. Censoring their songs so that the content would be marketable for television. Forced to wear the grins and smile when they know that they had to go out the back door after performing and the rest of the world remained the same. It was all about the show. The song and the dance that didn't end after the director said "cut!" Because in order to be accepted and seen as decent in society, you literally had to kiss so much ass that your lips looked like powdered donuts. 

It disappoints me the way that most black youth, including myself, take for granted the advances of the ones who came before us. And even though it is perfectly acceptable for us to be who we are, so many prefer the flair of someone else. I don't think the band standing stopped during the 1930's. I think it's still going on today with all the bullshit people are pulling these days. You can find your latest example on page six. Don't get me wrong, I love to play dress up and sing loud and sporadically through out the house, and take a half an hour choosing a restaurant because I'm that picky. But that's me. I'm not cooning and putting on for anyone but the one on the other side of my looking-glass. I wonder what the world would be like if originality was cool? 

this is what happens when you give a girl a sunday afternoon, an opinion, and a mac. 

goodies: random

it's rare when i say what's really on my mind these days. but it's sunday evening and my best friend is napping so here it goes:

I'm sore than a motha! I don't do that, one day chest and arms, second day legs and ass stuff. I hit it in one wop! 

I met the nicest Wendy's window crew: it's nice to know that customer service is still alive in the West End!

Is getting better with my cooking: not j

ust limited to boxed cuisine, I free pour now!

Am my own personal experiment: still working with the photoshop and running around crazy with my photo editing. I'm starting to run out of hard drive space and I need to get off my ass and get an external! I'm my own personal trainer and nutritionist, and am a novice sculptor!

I: really give two flips about what anyone has to say about me! The feeling is similar to taking off your bra. It's liberating and I can 'jiggle' anyway I please.

 Smile: every time I see the cloth bags in stores for everyone to go green, recycling is infectious! Spread the word!

Hates: that I haven't taken any docu pic's in a while

Needs: another hustle. My house needs a lot of work done and I'm still a shopaholic.

Is trying: my damnist to follo

w my own workout plan. Typing has been soooo painful.

Really: wants to go to school. I can only teach myself so much, but I find out you still need that piece of paper.

Kinda: misses hashbrowns and cheese eggs @ 4 am with the girls. Just a little ]:

Wants: a black cat for my birthday. I hear they're good luck! So somebody get on it!

Is ready: for my life to begin.

Really digs: this dark nail polish. Am I late? Normally not a big fan but not bad. And no, it's not black, it's OPI'S Lincoln Park After Dark and it's a deep purple. 

Me and my big MOUTH.

"Sometimes you have to worry about making someone else rich before you can make yourself rich, if not at the same time," my boss text me yesterday. I've always been fortunate enough through the course of my life to meet people who could benefit me greatly. Lately, I've been getting a crash course in the professional world after years of seeing "how it's done" out of sight and under the table. Growing up all I remember my parents doing at the dinner table was complaining about their corporate jobs and even when I was young, I knew that I didn't want to work in the type of confining environment they were a part of. When you live 'the life' you get paid every day with no deductions, no real clock to punch, and no real rules. It's the type of arena where your net wealth says who you are. Because there's always somebody looking at you from head to toe, inspecting your fresh. I can't stand all the indignant people who think they can act that way because they have the labels. There's no real such thing as working your way up the ranks by putting in long hours at the office or making sure you show up at all company functions. That type of stuff doesn't really pay off much in the world of hustling. But all the little things that prove character and integrity are the things CEO'S are made of, at least that's what I've been told.

If our generation had a song it would be: "I want what I want, and I want it now!" Everyone wants to be rich. NOW! I'm no exception. I would love to "retire" early, start a family, and live well and vacation often. I have one small thing that's interrupting this girl. My mouth. It always seems to get me in trouble. Either by the things it does, or does not say. Depending on the question. It's not that I can't take direction but I have to speak out on the bullshit. In all shapes and forms. The pretentious, the double standards, the ignorant, the ones who have too much fucking nerve. Most people are too trendy for me. Changing the whole concept of themselves every season and year, like fashion. And they always seem to have something to say, and I usually rebut. I have too much lip for pimps, masters, and insecure men. I  I'm determined to be my own boss. Doing something so my grind is what I'm on and my game is getting stronger with my new found wisdom. Figuring out what exactly is next on my 'to do' list but I'm not too worried about that part. Things always have a way of working themselves out!

 I may not know the answers to everything right now, but I know what I don't want. I don't ever want to owe anyone or have to depend on anyone in order to have what I want. Learning both sides of the game is going to take a lot of humility and time. But in order for the time shares and mutual funds, the works got to be done! I can do the time... I think. Lord give me strength!  I usually don't give all this 'extra' about me. I've experienced it's better to open up a little, than it is to read about my fabricated life story later. But... this is what happens when you give a girl a sunday afternoon, an opinion, and a mac. 

studio love.

I absolutely adore music. It's one of my favorite everyday elements. A day without music just isn't the same and I'm so fortunate to be blessed with the gift of singing. I've been in and out of studios since I was about 19, but had a solo in church since the age of 7. Performing and the art of music as a whole is in my blood and singing is one of the only things I would always do, whether it paid or not. It just makes me happy. Unfortunately I didn't have the foresight to continue with my piano lessons, but over the years I have fine tuned my voice and developed my own style. 

    I started out recording with my DJ homie, Blak and got the opportunity to work with Young Jeezy and USDA. I'm the female vocals on 'Corporate Thuggin' which is the second single on the USDA album. Why didn't you know that you ask? Well, tragically our agreement was broken after he neglected to give me WRITTEN credit. No stacks, just credit. But, whatever Jay.

side note: i hear he does this to everyone

that's not a major recording artist.

hence, no 'feat._____' on the back

of cd's

 Along with the fact that all albums are downloadable, there's a lot of mediocre artists, and the fact that everyone isn't a person of their word, made me think twice about becoming an artist myself. The music business quickly turned into the business of music. Which totally contradicts the concept of the art itself.

    My love for music hasn't changed, but the game definitely has. The more I learn about it, the more I hate the whole process. But to hurry this along [because it is currently 6:29 a.m.] I just walked out of the booth. And feeling great of my performance. It was the first time I had been in the studio since April, and now I'm hungry again. The passion candle has been light and it giving off the right glow for the feng sui of 'NEW9. 

    Tomorrow is another session with none other than.....

[yawn] I'm sleepy. I guess you'll have to wait till tomorrow for the rest! But I will say this: this time around, credit will be given because it's due! night. night.

Ripple effect.

Two thousand and eight was an interesting year I'm sure for many. One of the main highlights of course is Obama winning the presidential election and becoming the first african-american president in history. This singular event seemed to be enough to cancel out all the bad that went on in front of and behind the scenes of America because I've never seen so many smiling black people at one place at the same time. People who never thought of doing anything or changing their lives are because of the shared progress of the country. It caused a ripple effect of goodness that I hope will last all through 'NEW9. The holidays are over and it made me feel good to see people helping others and wanting to do the right thing. Even the stars came out to give back. It seems like usually they pick whatever charity to donate to, but this year was more hands on and time was taken off for more important things.                          Not my desired star but, I thought this picture was really cute. Mr. Jenkins himself giving back to the kids and with a brand new look I might add. Unfortunately I didn't take this pic myself. No, the credit must go to an unknown 'Kimmy' [to me at least] who left this on my myspace homie Keisha's page. So, thanks Keish and Kimmy! 

And I'm a huge fan of Christmas carols and songs! Every Christmas I can guarantee on the Temptations, Whitney Houston, Nat the king, and the Mississippi Mass Choir to put me in a humble thankful state. But.... a high speed chase in a Bently? I dunno Juelz. 

                             

y'all seen this right? Right. and the girl was singing her ass off!

                                     

But let me stop. I LOVE Juelz!!! And the entire Skull Gang [hey Paris!] We all had the best time at Jeezy's birthday at Visions a few years back. So cool. Oh! And ladies, you want to know the way to his heart: a blunt of purple haze and Waffle House hashbrowns with cheese! 

 Speaking of my homie Paris, I had to put this pic up here. This is a 'gift' Paris Hilton bought herself for the holidays. It's so cute, but too flashy for me. Custom made pink Bently, for the woman who probably has everything. If you got it, why not? Too bad this was a few days prior to the robbery of her home. After this double whammy, I wonder how Ms. Hilton is handling this recession??? 

Slept on.

When I was in college, one of my favorite things to do was to walk across the street to the record store and buy anything new I could find. I did this every week, no matter what my bank account looked like. I lucked up on Teedra Moses as a freshman after $200 worth. I had never heard of her before but as soon as I popped her CD in, I fell in love... with a girl! I know! There's a depth in her voice that I can feel. Unlike anyone else who was out at the time and I love the things she sings about. "You'll Never Find" was my anthem through my stay at heartbreak hotel. Over the years I've depended on the vibe of this album and played it so much I had to re-buy it 3 times, which is now a 4th since one of my female companions 'borrowed' it. I introduced it to my dj boyfriend at the time and viola! Every chick in the clubs is singing "Backstroke". It sucks that this poor girl had bad management and was signed to a label mostly geared towards the rowdy club go-ers [ ying-yang twins, Yo Gotti, and Pitbull are some of her label mates]. I feel she could go so far, and if some of her 'people' are out there, know that she has fans! Anywho, she's beautiful and talented. check her out:

                            

I might be a little late, but she's something like a phenom!

p.s. she also has other music on her myspace page [yeah, she's on it too!] www.myspace.com/teedramoses

enjoy!

It starts here.

... there's been a shift. Something has changed me, and I like it. There's a hint of arrogance and truth that I'm loving. And a complete fearlessness that fits me like a glove. I've never been  accustomed to cockiness... personally. I mean, to me, all the hoop-la to emphasize the obvious isn't unnecessary.  I spend the hour of preparation and enjoy it in agony worrying that my facade has started to fade. So fuck it. I'll shrug at the fact that my nails aren't always done. And value how full my lips are. My hair will remain that tussled look and 90% of my pictures will still be Bobbi Brown-less. Matter of fact, I like the way I look without the MAC. Most make up artists bring out the drag queen in me that I didn't know existed. How that ever happens to a woman still boggles me. It's wrong and whoever is going around not doing folks personal justice needs their make up brushes burned and they should be drug out in the street and shot!

 I woke up this morning early and feeling refreshed. I've been doing a lot of ground work and decided to start from scratch. It feels like I've spent the past 18 months filming an involuntary reality television show, with all my actions and words being picked apart testing my faith in all things I thought were certain and at the end, it's down to me... and a few other privileged souls. Who by the way have been the most understanding and supportive people through this whole "process". Full of lows as well as highs and always... interesting. Without them I would have become one of those girls I hate who remain bitter over a course of bad choices that they ultimately made. I thank God for you all, you know who you are. 

    Even though it's hard to forgive and forget, I can't keep punishing myself for all the pig headed things I've done in the past. Nothing to do now but to put the big gal shoes back on and walk hard against the wind. I only get this "I-don't-want-this-for-myself-anymore-and-I'm-changing-and-never-looking-back" attitude about anything when I'm fed up and have nothing else to give to the situation. But maybe I should exercise this feeling more often. 

    

    To those who "know" me: if you know my name, or who I date/dated, or where I worked, you don't know me. Those are just some things about me and they're also obvious facts that I've stated over the years through myspace [which I plan to be getting rid of soon]. So there's no need to talk to the friends I no longer hang out with or the guys I used to date: believe the feelings are still swollen and women love to hate.

    To those who know me: I don't have to say much because you already know. The dumb shit stops here folks! If you've done something that's made my contact with you less frequent, or stop all together, you know exactly why. So there's no need to go around the city asking stupid questions whose answers you already know. You know me, right?

I know this post will have some folks feeling some sort of way and that's good. I don't think people think about the feelings of others nearly as much as they should, or value the good people that they are fortunate enough to meet. Hopefully it will at least give the faux-friends out there something to think about.

Discipline.

The ultimate way to prove to yourself no matter the circumstances, you can accomplish any goal that's set. It's also the reason why the fridge looks like the produce section of Whole Foods. 

The guys came down just in time for New Years and to do this. I've never been very disciplined. Over the years, I've never had a steady skin care regime, I worked out in spurts, my clothes and room pretty much stayed untidy and unwashed unless I had company or needed clean underwear. I've never worn make up until now or made it habit to get my hair done. I'm a bit lazy. That, and I just don't see the point. Some of these habits have changed with age, but I still remain a tad shiftless. Mom is one of the biggest procrastinators I know but still does a 40 day fruits and vegetables fast to focus her mind for the New Year. The guys figure if they can get through 11 days, the rest of the year is pretty much theirs.

   There's no wrong reason to set personal goals, I personally haven't got one in particular... hence no resolutions in the previous post but I plan on being more concrete by my birthday. Anyway, I totally support what they're doing. I just hope its truly mind over matter while I continue to flip pancakes and fry pork chops. Hopefully he'll let me post some footage through this fruit and water fast. Yeah, confessionals and all. Should be funny. They usually are. I dunno, I guess if I had to do a 'fast' of some sort it would have something to do with love. I'm not trying to get rid of it, actually I want to do it more, but with more provisions about how I distribute it.  I've never had a problem being friends with my ex's [weird huh?] and I've never fell so far from grace that I've lost their love. But my problem is longing for that comfort zone. When I'm feeling lonely or want some temporary act right it's so tempting to want to go back to that 'old thing'. You know it, loved it, and can guarantee an enthusiastic visit. But what I want isn't exactly what I need. And in certain situations love isn't enough. This goes with friends as well. I have a super soft spot for misguided souls who always need answers. But I have to remember that I'm dealing with people here, not puppies. It would be nice to be able to be yourself around someone who's somewhat like you that actually stays true. Well it would be! It seems like if you didn't grow up with someone, all bets are off. I've moved 4 times during my adolescence and if the last statement I just made is true, I guess I'm screwed.   So I guess to translate the last spiel, use my head in combination with my heart. Being able to feel is something I never want to stop practicing everyday. So that part is definitely here to stay. 

Where I'm at.

That is what I envisioned Cabo St. Luca to look like when my boss and his lady friend were considering where to celebrate the new year. I imagined baking my body until it looked like glazed terra cotta. Sipping in between Fiji and vodka and walking around the city wrapped in colors. We were to stay at hotel-ME [look it up] and I couldn't wait for Helga or other wise aesthetically trained technician to make me smooth as an hard boiled egg; just for myself. Due to misplacement of passport I wasn't able to make that flight so decided to spend time to put stock in other things.

Last new years was pure crazy for me. I spent it with my pseudo family which resulted in 'little brother's' incarceration. After that night, the rest of the months followed suit, making sure to throw me an infamous curve ball in each, just to keep me on my toes. I stayed in a cycle of confusion trusting the blind that ultimately didn't want me to advance. I put so much stock in others when there's only me I should trust. So this year, I decided to bring in things with money, food, and good company. That's right, I was another one of the many who worked in my new years. Literally. 

The place was Chicago's jazz restaurant and management had enough insight to serve black eyed peas for prosperity and collard greens for... well... money. I loaded up on both. There were smiling faces in the place and of course, champaign and the countdown. I had to remain professional, keeping my camera behind the bar, but you know I got a few:

I made some really cool friends. Lavor, Eric, white girl Sara, and the lot. And Mike and Lonnie, my favorite in and out couple.

My hunnie was working a mansion party, so we shared kisses via text. That man. That man. 

 If I had to pick a theme for 2oo8 it would be: FRIEND. Notice the frilliness of the colors because the whole concept of the modern friend is total bullshit. Mostly based on convenience, or highly influenced by the chance of a 'come up', and never abiding by any type of loyalty. I've noticed that people show you just who they are every day. The difference between now and then is I believe them. 

I have seen the evils and felt the exact degree of jealousy and learned that, quite frankly, most hate to see others happy. I've actually been told that my happiness causes discomfort. I've went through my set of friends, foes, and dumb ass hoes so much that I would never consider giving up men. My circle is so small it's basically a period and I love it. Having just what I need and part of what I want. 

I still believe in love! It kinda sucks that I can't revel in my relationship publicly. I guess my gloating to the masses really pisses off the 'unofficial' ones [and I'll touch the whole 'official' 'unofficial' topic for those who are angry]. I want to actually keep the good thing we have going so let me be quiet before some broad with low self esteem and too much time on her hands tries to give him her pussy in the company holiday swag bag. Silly silly girls. 

I've always had a lot to give of myself. God has given me a shit load of patience and he's blessed me with a huge heart that I intend to use. I was shown nothing but love from the people who helped make me, I feel it my duty to be an all time instructor. This also pisses people off, but that's just me. So fuck 'em! 

The moral of the story is: Love me or get the fuck out my face. Plain and simple folks. OH yeah, and I plan on wearing as little make up as possible this year. This is my face world. Get used to it! I'm truly relieved that 'o8 is over! That's all.