It starts here.

... there's been a shift. Something has changed me, and I like it. There's a hint of arrogance and truth that I'm loving. And a complete fearlessness that fits me like a glove. I've never been  accustomed to cockiness... personally. I mean, to me, all the hoop-la to emphasize the obvious isn't unnecessary.  I spend the hour of preparation and enjoy it in agony worrying that my facade has started to fade. So fuck it. I'll shrug at the fact that my nails aren't always done. And value how full my lips are. My hair will remain that tussled look and 90% of my pictures will still be Bobbi Brown-less. Matter of fact, I like the way I look without the MAC. Most make up artists bring out the drag queen in me that I didn't know existed. How that ever happens to a woman still boggles me. It's wrong and whoever is going around not doing folks personal justice needs their make up brushes burned and they should be drug out in the street and shot!

 I woke up this morning early and feeling refreshed. I've been doing a lot of ground work and decided to start from scratch. It feels like I've spent the past 18 months filming an involuntary reality television show, with all my actions and words being picked apart testing my faith in all things I thought were certain and at the end, it's down to me... and a few other privileged souls. Who by the way have been the most understanding and supportive people through this whole "process". Full of lows as well as highs and always... interesting. Without them I would have become one of those girls I hate who remain bitter over a course of bad choices that they ultimately made. I thank God for you all, you know who you are. 

    Even though it's hard to forgive and forget, I can't keep punishing myself for all the pig headed things I've done in the past. Nothing to do now but to put the big gal shoes back on and walk hard against the wind. I only get this "I-don't-want-this-for-myself-anymore-and-I'm-changing-and-never-looking-back" attitude about anything when I'm fed up and have nothing else to give to the situation. But maybe I should exercise this feeling more often. 

    

    To those who "know" me: if you know my name, or who I date/dated, or where I worked, you don't know me. Those are just some things about me and they're also obvious facts that I've stated over the years through myspace [which I plan to be getting rid of soon]. So there's no need to talk to the friends I no longer hang out with or the guys I used to date: believe the feelings are still swollen and women love to hate.

    To those who know me: I don't have to say much because you already know. The dumb shit stops here folks! If you've done something that's made my contact with you less frequent, or stop all together, you know exactly why. So there's no need to go around the city asking stupid questions whose answers you already know. You know me, right?

I know this post will have some folks feeling some sort of way and that's good. I don't think people think about the feelings of others nearly as much as they should, or value the good people that they are fortunate enough to meet. Hopefully it will at least give the faux-friends out there something to think about.