if your girl only knew.

as much as i would like to think that all my previous relationships have been totally monogomous, i'm beginning to second guess. there's no possible way of tracking your partner's every move while they're not in your presence and quite honestly, people are going to do what they want... like it or not. every boyfriend i've had has been extremely clingy. wanting me at their house more than i'm at my own, wanting me to hold them, or stroke their hair, riding to business meetings and studio sessions, the whole nine.

but what if all of those requests were a defense mechanism to camoflauge some shady behavior?

since i am officially a single, cynical woman living in atlanta, i have to stop riding my own jock to add this as a possibility. i felt i did all that i could to encourage our being together, but the bottom line is: the relationships all ended. not necessarily on bad terms, but they didn't last.

the funny thing about 'quality' is that it could be interpreted in many ways, depending on what you find important. i've cooked, cleaned, washed carpets, babysitted children, cleaned up animal messes, entertained homeboys and assholes, and gave good sex. as well as many other 'quality' women in the world. but as men tend to do, when they get tired of the model they've had for a while, they choose to upgrade; thinking that 'newer is better'. the name of the game used to be loyalty; 'down-assness' was rewarded in every sense of the word. but now, the focus seems to be simply complimentary.

as if we need someone else to make us fly... but apparently so. the shinier the packaging, the more likely of finding a partner.
i just wish that the silent confidence that you have when you're in a healthy relationship could actually be justified 100%.

since i'm single [have i mentioned that enough?], occasionally i mingle, and one recently sparked my interest way more than the others. i'm a big fan of truth and once i found out that he was attatched i back away. this particular guy that i've been chatting/texting/twittering for about a month now.. he's so involved even though he denies it in general, and denies his lady friend all together. it might have worked out in his favor if atlanta wasn't such a small place. but it is. filled with the same people in the same clubs on their respected nights. and i know the young lady who's oblivious to it all.

i'm not sure on how deep the involvement is, but i know me and this man's involvement ends here. i guess most women forget what they're taught growing up and settle for behavior that puts them second but my mama didn't raise a fool. if he's doing this to this girl, what means he won't do it to me?

ladies, no matter how good your good is, doesn't mean it's that good. and with the woman to man ratio being what it is in atlanta, there's always some "fool" who get's all hot and bothered and lays with anyone who shows them attention.

lucky me, i won't put myself in a position to become used, abused, and tossed to the side. i do feel for anyone who is going through this situation, but for the record: my age won't allow my heart to make the same mistakes. so when you're boyfriend is sending me texts of how he misses me, notice that there's no response! flashy guys with no concious and a dozen concubines aren't my type.
sorry.

word of the day

things seem so much better when i'm in bed. everything's quiet, the ac's going, but the comforter is keeping me warm. and i can just relax. unforturnately, there's this thing called responsibility that calls me to do things that i don't feel like doing.

but i want things in life.

and i can't get those things without doing what's necessary of me. the fact that i'm accomplishing goals makes me feel alright with switching my occupation. it's definitely a difference in pay, but the time out of those heels are greatly appreciated!

recently, i've been bartending at a strip club for the past month and i would definitely call it work. i have to get up early to get set up for the lunch crowd and get off too late to handle any official business. i only work 3 days out of the week, but i'm in the process of finding a second job in order to move the way i want to. i miss my previous lifestyle; travel, fashion, restaurants, and alcohol consumed my everyday.

ahhh, those 'flashing lights'. it was great. but who says i can't have both? maybe not in totality. i'm not so 'into' some things as i once was, but i'm not mad about it. i don't think dinner at a nice restaurant a few times a week with friends and shopping once in a while is asking too much.

but again, gotta leave the warmth of laziness and get my sexy on. progress is so attractive.

the season is grind, apparently, but i plan on having some fun ;]

initiative (n.): an introductory act or step; leading action

initiative, get some!

comp. on the fritz

i am aware that it has been almost a month since i last posted...

what can i say?

quick recap:

*business plan in the making

*trip to nyc

*kicking bad habits

*back on my photography tip

bear with me sweeties....

[ricky voice]

"apple, you got some 'xplaining to do!"

pandora's box.

everything has a price. success, happiness, lifestyle. all comes at a price. it's coming to the point where all i really need in this world is family and my affiliates. i use the word 'affiliate' because they are affiliated with something that i enjoy: the arts, fine dining, money management and can enrich my life in a major way. my role is coming soon. i can feel it. staying focused and confident in myself is the major key. the recession has brought out the sharks in my pond but in order to truly live to my potential, i can't be afraid to swim in deep waters. god help me now. i've made the choice and signed on the dotted line to go get what i want. the problem with getting what you want sometimes is that it's not always what you need. hopefully 'the good life' is all i expected. but if not, then that's alright too. at least i know i've tried. "little one" has grown up and it's all up to me to carry on the burdens of my world. the journey will only make me stronger... god bless the child that holds her own.

i think the saying goes..

“If you love something let it go, and if it comes back - that doesn't mean a damn thing; it can just leave you again later.”

as fucked up as that quote is, I'm personally coming to terms with it. It would be nice if things could go as imagined... but as we all know, that's not how it works. You give, 'they' take, you give some more, they complain. Sometimes you win, but mostly when you depend on someone else to give you the reaction you wanted, you come up empty handed. I had words with a guy I was definitely in love with... still might be, I'm not sure yet. I hate the dating game, but I refuse to settle just to avoid being alone. He had been on my mind for a while and seeing him the other day only re sparked the feelings I once had. Our relationship was the closest I've come to my ideal and yeah, I want that old thing back.

Time has passed since me and my guy, and has been more destructive than any hater. It's given us space to explore 'what else is out there' but left too much room for error. After we broke up and went our separate ways, I lived, and learned how to spot a bullshitter from a distance. I've had another relationship and I still found my way back home, and I say that because my heart is obviously there with him. 

The problem is: time. Too much time and too much fast living equals a totally different person. He's  now used to getting what he wants when it comes to women and in my opinion has become spoiled and impatient. We had a few conversations in the past couple of weeks that had us back on track towards 'lover-vill', but after I saw him pressed up on another miscellaneous female, it became clear that maybe we've changed too much. 

I want different things out of a man than I did when I was in my early 20's. I hate to be the last to know things and as ugly as the truth may sound, it's one thing that gets respected by me. In loving someone, you have to give them the space they need to still be themselves, sometimes that means letting them go all together. But what do you do when the one you love doesn't come back? After you picked up the pieces of your ego, I guess no other choice but to move on. I should channel his energy and just dive into my work but I know that after my life is impressively established on paper, I would still feel like something was missing. I don't know, I could be jumping the gun on giving up on this guy, the ups and downs of our emotional roller coaster is making me nauseous. I'm not sure if I let him go entirely and is the reason why I feel stuck, but it's obvious what I have to do.... again. But for real this time. No calls or texts or giving my internal twitter updates... just the memory of me. Maybe that will be enough, but I'm prepared if it's not.

official. [oh-fish-ee-ahl] !

I am absolutely in L-O-V-E with this song and! there's nothing better than 'getting it how you live' on your nude day! I tried to explain that to the 'ex' that he has to put the 'EX' into sex if the memories of who came before him are to disappear. He never took me seriously....

p.s. the return of the slim video vixen.

viva la game!

my new obsession. 

i heart derwin.

last night a dj saved my life.

I love music. It's definitely a part of my daily "must haves". I love how it makes me feel and I have been involved in some sort of musical activity since I was 7. I've watched hundred of movies, been to many games, plays, and functions, but for some magical reason, music is the only thing that makes me remember exactly what was going on in life in detail. Anita Baker's 'Caught up in the Rapture' flooded the hallways during my early D.C. years, George Michael's 'Never Gonna Dance Again' stuck with me from the start. Along with 'Wake Me Up'. 'Living off the Wall' started my mirror concerts, and BelBivDevoe's 'Poison' ignited my ego and interest in boys. The 'Percolator' taught me that good songs don't have to have a million words to be considered good. 'My My My' was my first cassette tape and started my love for dark skinned men. I could go on and on until present time but I think you get the point. 

It's only natural [to me] that when I began to date that I dated DJ's. It's not anything that I've meant to do on purpose, but it has turned out that way... 3 times. I mean, I've dated guys who have done other things, but it's always worked when I was involved with someone I shared a deep interest with. There's nothing more sexy than watching someone who loves what they do. When the headphones go on and that body starts bobbing I notice a certain level of concentration that's different from the salesman or bartender. You can see how much the craft means to him, and to me, is an attractive trait. 

I revisited a track that was dedicated to me by one of my favorite DJ's that is so me and has reminded me of something that could help right now. Things in my life have changed. I've learned a lot. Most of the things I've been going through have questioned my belief system. I no longer see the benefit in [most] people, mostly doubt. There are so many punk asses out there that want everything but don't know what it takes to get it. You can't win by trying to get over, bottom line. But just because that's how things are in their world, doesn't mean that's what it has to be for me. I keep reminding myself of the simple times. When my emotions could go from night to day in a matter of a switch of a song. Hope is what my heart is made of...

another senseless act.

I lived in old 4th ward a couple years ago. For those of you who don't know where that is, it's an area in Atlanta that includes the MLK center, historic Auburn Ave., Edgewood Blvd., ect. There was a little corner store that was right across the street from the building I lived in that I visited daily. I was crossing the street to go back inside my apartment when a two seater mercedes benz pulls up beside the sidewalk and stop. I continued my path to the building and I had to pass the car to get there. Needless to say, I was summoned to the car. After bending down to look inside the window, I noticed who it was. A young, up and coming rapper who's song featuring Akon and T-Pain was monopolizing the clubs. We exchanged names [he told me his was 'Rodrigues'] and asked me if I needed a ride to where I was going. I said no, and he took off. As small and insignificant as that encounter might appear, it was a glimpse, none the less into someone else's life. It's easily assumed that most stars these days are assholes and were skimped on manners, but if there's one thing I can say is that Dolla was a polite and considerate young man with a helluva swag. I'll miss you.

jam wit me!!

i can't wait for my life to begin!

Does that make any sense? I mean, I've had my share of experiences and have done many things to make me feel 'alive', but I mean I'm ready to establish my legacy. My personal empire that's going to let me live the kind of life I've dreamed of. My corporate lifestyle was short lived. It turns out the economy has effected everyone. When I was informed that a wealth and money management firm couldn't afford to pay it's employees for the past pay period I knew it was time to take matters into my own hands. I went back to my quick financial solution [i.e. the club] after a six month hiatus. I still feel the same about wanting a job vs. a career, because the "trap" is exactly that... a trap. There's no real future or advancement and who wants to spend their entire life being that sort of 'yes man'? Regardless of what most will think and say, no one's going to take care of me better than me. And at this point in time, I'm not trying to be 'saved'. I mean, if someone sees the potential in me and has the time to be there in the way they say, then they can help out. But I no longer believe sugar daddies exist. After the illusion is created [good food, bottles at the club, a few extra dollars] and you decide to compromise yourself, the object of the game is completed, because he can control the entire situation. 

Calls get ignored, waiting all day for your "allowance", cell phone and cars in their name are the protocol for the modern day sugar daddy. 

It sounds real glamorous to live on someone else's ticket. I mean, playing someone's doll can be very fun... until they get tired of the attitude that we all get when we're comfortable, and realize that there's other pussy available. And all the trips, shopping sprees, and furnished apartments were all tools to control you. At the end of most affairs with sugar daddies, the mistress is none the wiser. She posesses no useful knowledge on how to maintain the lifestyle she now requires. I respect the message in songs like "miss independent", "she got her own" because it's saying what's ultimately respected. Whether it's accepted or not, respect is one thing that definitely screams: LONGEVITY. 

In the past few days, I've met a couple 'captain save 'em's who sound real interested in furthering my cause. What I try to explain [because I like to be clear] is that I have officially reached jaded. My eyes have been opened. I have seen the light! Bottom line: I'm not as naive as I look and I know the difference between a man who wants to be with me, and a man who wants to play with me. I want to invest my time in someone who's going to teach me something and support my dreams. It's such a turn off when a guy can't even wait 24 hours before he's pressing all on you and expected the whole rump roast and potatoes. 

Every VIP in my life always advices me to focus on something, and go for it! Sounds easy enough, and it would be if I weren't interested in so many things. My business minded friends tell me to go where the money is. My creative friends tell me to follow my heart and do something I love. Why can't I do both? They make it sound so: "one of the other". But maybe for right now, that's how I have to look at things, because I'm starting to feel my age with every order or buffalo wings and I can't trust the government for my retirement plan. So... yeah. School has been on my mind for a while now, and it's about time I finish that chapter of my life anyway. I'm narrowing down my major, which used to be journalism, but doesn't seem to be necessary anymore. I'll have something singled out sooner than later. until then...

cry baby.

It's around 5 a.m. and I'm just now taking off my make up from the night before. I don't know why I do stuff like that, but thank God I have good skin. I've had a lot on my mind lately. So thick and heavy that I just want to sit up in the house and think and be alone. I passed up recent clubbing and a few trips because I just don't feel ready. I know now more than ever that I need to do what I have to or else I'm going to keep getting into the same nonsense that's been causing me aggravation and has been wasting a lot of my time. I think I've got the 'reason' for the course of unfortunate events. Especially about the people that have come and gone from my life in the past 3 years. I honestly didn't know what made them spread rumors to make themselves look better when all I did was be a friend, or why certain relationships didn't work out and others have been re sparked... maybe God needed me to surround myself with dynamic people who can handle rain until I get to my sunshine.

When I always had somewhere to go, money to make it happen, and an 'issue' that needed solving, I always had

 someone right there, to keep me company. O my how I've grown. I had so many faux-ships that were built on sheer convenience. My mentality behind sharing my world with others was that I wished I didn't have to figure everything out myself. But I can honestly say that I'm much more reserved about my abilities and acquaintances nowadays and my stand off-ish behavior keeps a lot of bullshit away from me. Personally, I like it. It's not a permanent disposition, I don't mind helping those who are helping themselves. Even though these people had the opportunity to use me then, we both know they don't posses the qualities in people that I need in my life right now: honesty, compassion, loyalty. There's no better advice than from previous mishaps and from people who actually care. Having the time to and for myself has given me the strength to do better.

On my previous post, I mentioned the issue that has recently developed in my family. One huge 'plus' for having many family members is that there's always someone to pick up the slack if you fall onto hard times. Even though she wouldn't readily admit, my sister has developed a drinking problem and is presently being held in East Point for a dui. Needless to say, my Mom officially has full custody over my nephew and nieces. We as a family felt this was necessary over a number of instances and we couldn't afford to wait this one out. My background check is being ran since I spend some time there and big sis is in the process of getting it together. Whether she knows it or not. I just feel like this is what was needed in order to remind her of all the things she's forgotten: she's a mother, a sister, a daughter. She's someone who people depend on and love in many ways. She called me last week to see if I would go to her hearing. She said she needed me there. But if I know her like no one else in the world does, she probably just need a ride afterwards. 

I still love her though. We all can't help but be human sometimes, especially if we somehow feel damaged. I never would have thought that her demons had gotten that out of control and that she hadn't talked to any of us about them. One of my biggest flaws in my previous relationship was that I'm a person who isn't afraid to show my emotions. I have my crying days and bitchy ways, and exhibit these feelings when they apply. And as much of a nag as it makes me seem, I would so much rather be understood than assumed. The phrase might have double meaning but the tone makes it clear as crystal. Me having my moments helps get over what I'm feeling in a constructive way. I would love to sedate myself and feel nothing when I don't know what else to do, and it seems too complicated for anyone to understand. But when I come down from my cloud, things always look worse. So, I get emotional, and I let the tears flow. When the time is right, I'll tell my sister to be the gutsy woman I know she is and let it all out. So we can get past this and she can become the woman she was meant to be.

mom's day.

gosh! where would i be without my mom? i remember all the meals and hugs and stories. i appreciate the fact that she put me in activities with other girls, so i can learn to work with them, instead of thinking they're the enemy. girl scouts, girls inc., softball, track, all the field trips. she was involved with it all. she's always there for me, and we speak everyday. she's one of my dearest friends and one of my favorite 'girls' in the whole world. that's an early pic of me and my mom [circa 1983]. i just wanted the world to know how wonderful my mom is and how special she's made my life. my parents provided a comfortable life for me and my siblings, that's what is the foundation for my view on life.

this is my niece zoey. the sweetest, engaging character i've ever met. she has no problem starting conversations with people her age and she's polite in the presence of adults. she's so lovable and cuddly and loves to cuddle with me. she makes up songs, and can entertain herself for hours. our little sweet tea.


zoey and i had a ball at the fair that was near our house. she rode everything, and i won her a stuffed dog ''delilah''. ahsa is the newest addition to our family. the prettiest red bone with grey/brown eyes. her smile lights up my whole day. i really enjoyed having my family here for the week. i just hope everything works itself for the better for my family. i swear, if it's not one thing, it's another. but, as i always say: when things don't go as planned, plan it as you go. 

i couldn't imagine being a mom and not being active and accountable in my child's life. unfortunately, everybody either can't, or doesn't feel the same way. i know so many people who have kids who constantly drop them off at ms. emma's house so they can sleep, shop, bullshit, travel, club. most of these activities don't involve making any money, but always benefit the mother. the ''type'' of person  could think this way could well be anyone.  from any ethnic background or upbringing, there are no distinct physical characteristics. i know i'm rambling but let me just go on this one. my sister has never ever really quite gotten it together. for many reasons. the story's too long. but it's apparent that things have gotten a little out of control. my mom is moving forward to adopt my nieces and nephew. i don't live near my family so i tend to miss a lot, and i've learned this week that my sister has a problem with alcohol.

so much that it's effecting her judgement and putting her kids in danger. i never would have thought that my sister would be effected by this disease. just one more hurdle in the road.

what would i do without my "smile through it" attitude? i have to do what i have to do. it's just a blessing patience is one of my personal qualities. 

my nephew couldn't made the trip due to baseball, and the 10th grade. but he dedicated this song my my mom. the men in my family make me so proud.

                                                     

EVERY girl in the world?

                                 
i'm really digging this song. purely on the strength of the beat. but i'm not sure if it's necessarily an 'attractive' thing for a guy to want to fuck every girl in the world. does that make him a man-whore? or should i say, rock star[?]

resurrection 2oo9

so this is the picture that were recently captured of pac in louisiana. it would be cruel, to kid me.

i thought we were 'grown'.

                               

                                    

mr.,
it's obvious that the heartless still feel. or we would be able to deal with each other with no problem. it's gotta be so much harder to push your want aside and act the part: you don't care. love is something you can turn on and off. things are different in a day. huh? that sounds real conditional sonny. something that 'love' definitely is not. the smartest people in the world do the dumbest things in search for the impossible to make them feel 'whole', even if part of the equation is the one who cooks their meals and dotes after them. the road you're traveling is one i've seen before. that's why i tried to warn you [what is it about men taking advice from women?], but you put on the 'game face' and assured you had it all under control. turns out, it's got more control over you than you planned. definitely sui generis, through your journey, please don't lose you're wonderful, eclectic, bright spirit. talk more, it results in resiliency, and let your family keep you grounded.  i say all these things because it's clear that i won't be there for you, dear friend. but that isn't by choice. it hurts that you aren't able to just be friends, and that i won't be able to laugh the kind of laugh that only you evoke. i just wanted to get along... but i ask for a favor, "it depends".... i don't want a friend who does that anyway. oh well, i enjoyed my time with you. just hope the feeling was mutual. that's all we have left. feelings. whether you like it or not!

*post disclaimer: the feelings conveyed with the association with the video is just general. yes, my heart still beats, and my life goes on. i just used to jam to this back in the day! vintage kelis!

martinis, manolo's, and men.

*a few of my favorite sex and the city quotes:

“When you're young, your whole life is about the pursuit of fun. Then, you grow up and learn to be cautious. You could break a bone or a heart. You look before you leap and sometimes you don't leap at all because there's not always someone there to catch you. And in life, there's no safety net. When did it stop being fun and start being scary?”

"You men have no idea what we're dealing with down there. Teeth placement, and jaw stress, and suction, and gag reflex, and all the while bobbing up and down, moaning and trying to breathe through our noses. Easy? Honey, they don't call it a job for nothin'.”

“I will never be the woman with the perfect hair, who can wear white and not spill on it.”

“I admit it's tempting to wish for the perfect boss - the perfect parent - or the perfect outfit. But maybe the best any of us can do is not quit, play the hand we've been dealt, and accessorize what we've got."

"I'm thinking balls are to men what purses are to women. It's just a little bag, but we feel naked in public without it."

"She can reach me, but I can't ever get her."

"I love you, but I love me more."

"Oh my God, she's fashion road-kill!"

"Maybe some women aren't meant to be tamed. Maybe they just need to run free til they find someone just as wild to run with them."

"Are we simply romantically challenged, or are we sluts?"

I must have seen the entire show a million times and know hundreds of quotes by heart, and I still watch the re-runs like I'm just now seeing them for the first time. And between me and you, the only personalities I stalk with pride.

and you can quote me on that!

slacker

not really, but right now, yeah. I've been trying to write 1 blog a day, or a few if I missed one, but this week has been hectic. After typing a few business proposals, looking over notes and terminology, and inputing tax info. on the company server, I'm kinda typed out. Which is kind of unfortunate because there's so many topics that are bouncing around in my head. I'll be back in a minute, just so djih ,akjie .j.

yeah, you get the point.

"happy" disclaimer

I didn't think I would ever have to put up a disclaimer for my lil 'ole blog. I mean, I'm not trying to hurt anybody. I just write the best way I know how. My favorite cousin and I used to write letters to each other every week from the time we were in 7th grade, until we graduated and she told me that I write exactly how I talk. And in my mind, I take most things as a joke, especially when it comes to irrelevant topics such as pop culture, or the actions of others. I'm not that closed minded of a person that I judge unless I know for myself what it is I speak. I do however have blogs about real feelings. A few of those blogs can be found here. I say all of that to say this: I received my first anonymous comment and it happened to be slightly judgmental with a hint of negativity[gasp]. Which is so not what we do here! 

I guess I should have made myself clear, the whole concept of my blog is to not dwell on negativity. To add something to someone's day, instead of fill this e-space with complaining and ragging on trivial shit. The title of this blog is In Pursuit of Happiness Whatever That Means true indeed, but that doesn't include downing something else to make yourself feel better. I'm not here to judge, this is a space that I use just for me and I admit, I'm not always right, and I don't have a problem with learning something from my peers, but I don't respect faceless opinions. Period. This was a comment left from my recent Ciara post. 

 So to personally answer this anonymous fellow blogger [I'm sure] you're right, I haven't been following Ciara's videos, in fact, "I don't really watch videos on television anymore for the same reason I don't listen to the radio... it's the same shit every hour on the hour." That was me, by the way. And the only point that I was trying to make, was that a lot of 'respectable' people are participating  in activity that they would turn their nose up in in public. You see it all the time, people passing judgment of people they don't know. Especially women who choose to dance. But it's obviously a secret fantasy of many. As several other celebrities have shown as well. Dear reader, I think we just had a misunderstanding. That's why I took time out just for you to answer your comment. I hope this explains my position further. 

So with that being said:

This blog is not the closed minded or those who can't stomach sarcasm. this blog is intender for the light of heart and objective minds. Feel free to read the thoughts that run through my mind and leave the judgment at the door. Im a student of the world and love learning things from a different perspective. Almost all feedback is welcome. Except for the anonymous. 

I can't stand a coward.

no hard feelings. ❤

for the record:

One of my guilty [but healthy] indulges is to rummage through the gossip sites. I can only do this like once a month because it seems that everybody's talking about the same shit at the same time. I get a kick out of hearing people commentating and speculating on everyone else's life. One thing I've always wondered is where are these people getting their information from? I mean, the way some of these editorials [most modernly known as 'blogs'] are written makes you think the mofo giving the scoop was sitting in the back seat while Chris and Rhi were fighting it out, or knew 'Danger' personally since they were knee-high to a french fry. Like c'mon. If you don't know what you're talking about, use verbs like: seems like, appears to be, I think, ect. Don't lie and write the story like you have all the facts. 

Which leads me to the point of this post. There's nothing more dangerous to me than a 'know-it-all' with an audience with the wrong info/intentions. The lovely young woman pictured above is Omarion's new wife. Her name is Deborah and she's had the unfortunate experience of having her name riddled with slander. The article I read is here. Ok, [exhales], first of all, she's not an ex-Magic City dancer, she's an ex-Magic City waitress, and as most of those who are reading this knows that's a huge difference. While working at Magic, she had never taken any other position besides being a waitress. Period. Now, before she worked at Magic, I have no idea, but from what I know, she's too young to have done anything else prior. The blog mentioned that she's bi-sexual. And? The accusation of that might be true/untrue, but obviously has no relevance to the one she's with. So why does it matter to us to know that? The answer is: it shouldn't. The author of the blog included two pics of Mrs. Grandberry chillin', in civilian clothes at Magic City and that was supposed to solidify the whole story.... hmmm. News flash: they take pics of everyone if you're 'dressed up' in Magic. There are plenty of non dancers who's pictures are all over their site. 

And the comment: "I guess since Amber Rose is doing Yeezy, the sky is the limit for a stripper these days." Are you serious? So now, according to her, certain occupations limit you for what you can have in your life. And I have a question for all of you: are we really that 'together' where we can tell others what they're worth?? Where do they do that at? On the planet of self-righteous, of course. That type of shit makes my ass itch... don't let your ignorance come out to play people.

I mean, the strip club is a stepping, not corner stone, and like the many women who have started in the strip club and go on to act, model, sing, get married, start families, start companies... Deborah did what she was supposed to do.

One of the issues I have with Magic City is the fact that they take hella pictures inside of the club. When I first started going to strip clubs, there were rules you had to follow on a big sign before you even got to see the ass: 

1. if you were a female without a male date, you had to pay double: nothing personal, but there's too many females who go to strip clubs just to catch their next 'baller', and look @ the dancers like they're crazy.
2. no cameras allowed: period. not even on your phone [and guys are actually lame/bold enough to hold a flip phone up, flash bright as all outdoors, and try to take a picture of their dance. the smell of your cologne, 'desperation' is making my eyes water
3. 2 drink minimum: you had to come in there and do something. and if you didn't, your waitress had the power to have you kicked out. matter of fact, you disrespect anyone while you were in their space [bouncer, dancer, waitress] and you would be kicked out.

Oh how times have changed.

Even though Magic has a big name in the south in terms of strip clubs, everyone who goes there should not have to worry about a camera crew outing you! Pictures used to be taken 'all in the name of fun' and the next thing you know, there's a totally nude shot of you on the internet. So not cool. Truth of the matter is, most levels of management in these types of establishments simply don't care about the personal safety and reputations of their girls. I know girls who are doing this just to make money, not become a celebrity[?], and don't want vintage photos haunting them because some hater wants to have something to write about on their site.

But I felt I had to come into my personal forum and put up some personal truth about this pseudo scandal. Debbie is what she is: a beautiful, young woman living a dream that most dream of. And wearing an impressive piece of jewelry! Make 'em real mad Deb, go ahead an go half on one! 

everybody wants to be a stripper, but no one wants to be a stripper

I'm not hating on the song or CC, I'm just saying. Justin looking oh so tasty, like usual, and gave me the new found impression that he might have enough 'juice' to actually have a black girlfriend. He looked so comfortable sitting back in his chair getting a lap dance by the biggest strip club closet freak in the industry. Honestly, I'm becoming a little confused if Ciara still actually wants to be a singer/dancer/whatever. Isn't this like the 3rd video, consecutively, of hers that has her scantily clad and hanging onto a pole for dear life? Don't get me wrong, she looks great, moves good, but I just don't see how this is going to make her more of a convincing artist. Which was the issue like 3-4 years ago... the public categorizing her as a minimalist in terms of vocal range.

I get the point though. This is just another anthem celebrating the physical aptitude of the ladies of the night who 'work that twerk that', for.... tuition? [let me stop]

 wouldn't it have been better for Ciara to play the cool, adoring patron of all the girls who actually perform instead of playing a dancer?

 

I can see her now, leaning back in a chair with her legs wide open while a cocoa skinned thoroughbred bounced her backside. 

 

I don't really watch videos on television anymore for the same reason I hardly listen to the radio... it's the same shit every hour on the hour. I finally checked out her new one

and took some clips of my favorite moves to perform and take a gander at when I visit the strip club:

the infamous alter ego [aka] costume change.

the 'one leg shake'

'the backbend'

'grin-ding!'

not quite sure.

sole' circa now.

'full moon over my hammy'

I remember the time when Ciara let a nigga know he better not even dare asking for the goodies. Now it seems like she's serving it warm on a silver platter for the boys to lap up. Maybe this is her way of showing maturity, or maybe it's simply the aftermath of dealing with the heartless... either way it's the same story, different stage.

apple jack off!

                                 

i can just see a tech perv now looking at this app under his desk while getting his much needed jollies. too bad for them, this one didn't make the cut.

one of the things i enjoy the most during sex is having my breasts felt and played with. sometimes that's all i need to get there, and is definitely a must in every encounter. everything likes to feel a little appreciation.

i've noticed to most men, breasts are out of style like the light skinned man. it's all about ass nowadays, which kinda sucks for girls like me, who have nice bumps at top and bottom, but always running into someone who 'wishes i had a lil mo ass!' one guy had the nerve to tell me, i would be fine as all outdoors if i weighed 130 lbs. i'm only 5'1, and yeah, that might add some jiggle, but 20 extra pounds would completely hide my small waist line. i would officially be block-built and to me, extra weight takes away from my 'look'. that's why i am a firm believer in exercise, just like the lady to the left.

 now that's home made thickness right there!

ki toy worked her way into that body and i commend her for all the hours of dedication. because at the end of the day, it's nice to have something to hold onto, but even better if you can maintain the same effect. 

i've been pressured [in so many ways] to alter my body. "all you have to do is eat waffle house when you leave the club and go to sleep", "all you need is a few extra pounds and you'd be straight", these comments have come from women who i know try to con their way to the perfect body. they fast, and take laxatives, wear body contouring bustiers, and get lipo suction, obviously to look    more     like      me. hmmm. or from the women who take periactin pills, or depo birth control shots to gain weight. when did everybody become so fucking dissatisfied? either way it goes, the advice 'from the wise' is the shit that came from the mystery meat sandwich that the media offers us every day. 

don't get me wrong, i'm not knocking anyone who chooses to alter themselves. but i do have a problem with unhappy souls who alter themselves and then tell me that i have a problem for looking the way i do. to each its own, but don't knock me because i would rather save up for a filet from ruth's chris steakhouse instead of scraping the change from my car door for a #4 from mcdonald's. it's a matter of preference, simple as that.

 all i need is to keep doing exactly what i've been doing: eat whatever the fuck i want [jealous yet?] and go for my power walks and do my pilates. this is going to ensure that i stay looking this way or better for the next 15-20 years. instead of telling folks of how fine i used to be, i can say thanks to the compliment of being carded way past my 21st birthday. 

just a thought

THE DANCE

I have sent you my invitation, the note inscribed on the palm of my hand by the fire of living.

Don't jump up and shout, "Yes, this is what I want! Let's do it!"

Just stand up quietly and dance with me.

Show me how you follow your deepest desires, spiraling down into the ache within the ache, and I will show you how I reach inward and open outward to feel the kiss of the Mystery, sweet lips on my own, every day.

Don't tell me you want to hold the whole world in your heart.

Show me how you turn away from making another wrong without abandoning yourself when you are hurt and afraid of being unloved.

Tell me a story of who you are, and see who I am in the stories I am living.

And together we will remember that each of us always has a choice.

Don't tell me how wonderful things will be...someday.

Show me you can risk being completely at peace, truly okay with the way things are right now in this moment, and again in the next and the next and the next...

I have heard enough warrior stories of heroic daring.

Tell me how you crumble when you hit the wall, the place you cannot go beyond by the strength of your own will.

What carries you to the other side of that wall, to the fragile beauty of your own humanness?

And after we have shown each other how we have set and kept the learn, healthy boundaries that help us live side by side with each other, let us risk remembering that we never stop silently loving those we once loved out loud.

Take me to the places on the earth that teach you how to dance, the places where you can risk letting the world break your heart, and I will take you to the places where the earth beneath my feet and the stars overhead make my heart whole again and again.

Show me how you take care of business without letting business determine who you are.

When the children are fed but still the voices within and around us shout that soul's desires have too high a price, let us remind each other that it is never about the money.

Show me how you offer to your people and the world the stories and the songs you want our children's children to remember, and I will show you how I struggle, not to change the world, but to love it.

Sit beside me in long moments of shared solitude, knowing both our absolute aloneness and our undeniable belonging.

Dance with me in the silence and in the sound of small daily words, holding neither against me at the end of the day.

And when the sound of all the declarations of our sincerest intentions have died away on the wind, dance with me in the infinite pause before the next great inhale of the breath that is breathing us all into being, not filling the emptiness from the outside or from within.

Don't say, "Yes!"

Just take my hand and dance with me.

Oriah Mountain Dreamer

It's not enough to hear 'I am loved' by the one who've done me wrong anymore. The younger me would have craved the drama and the allure of someone "going through so much trouble" to go back and forth. The older me knows that the only one going through so much is me and the one who deals with words has forgotten what was said as soon as it leaves their lips. Allowing them to live with no guilt, and leaving me frustrated because all I'm left with is words. That can always be manipulated and misconstrued. Any man will stay if you make the situation comfy enough, but it won't keep him. 

moral of the story: actions speak louder.

shouts to the homie!

I can't wait to see the big homie Idris in this movie!  Gotta love a brotha with an accent!

Obsessed: I know bitches who suffer from that disease!

lady lumps

they say big things come in small packages. If this lady doesn't knock you away with her huge sound, then you can't help to notice the major influence that she has on every single man she "locks down". Let's just say, there's definitely something about Erykah...

  It's funny. Most people don't expect women of small stature to have much of a shape. But if white girls are being born with ass, I say it's a about time the petite women had our turn. Yeah, I'm a "lil' mama" but have been let know on many levels my uniqueness. Which honestly I wasn't really aware of since I've always been one of the only short, athletically built girls I knew growing up.

   I was elated when I went to see her last April on stage in her total element: brown afro wig, Seven's baseball t shirt, grey sweat pants, and 6 inch Loubitan boots. That ensemble alone made her one of my style 'she-roes'.  

I just love the way she just does her, brushing off the criticism 

of the fact that she has 3 children fathered by different men, and complaints about her performances with off the wall interludes.

                                                               

Anyway, the motivation of this post is obviously, the 'reverse baby bump' that she's acquired over the years of offspring and a good relationship with her personal trainer. There's hope for us 'little' women yet! 

yay!

the tale of the "happy" one

I've been told I'm fake. Maybe not in those exact words, but I've been informed that I'm walking around acting like I'm something I'm not. To me, that's a safe translation. I know what I am and say it proudly. The problem is that self appointed know-it-all's want to use their outside observation to tell me things about myself that they feel I'm confused about. People who have no credibility and who have let their mistakes turn them into miserable misers because they can't let go. I just want them to take "all they know" and fix their own lives to benefit themselves. Because my spirit is straight, like 9:15.

A lot of people walk around with personal guilts. Either pre-disposition by our parents [my Mom used to accuse me of having an attitude problem] or are fostered by of our lack of knowledge [my nephew's friend who killed herself because she was drinking underage and was raped]. Being able to let go of those types of emotions are difficult, especially if you don't have a support system of positive people who won't let you drown in your own pool of self pity. It makes me happy to know that I have so much love from my family and no matter what I did/do, they always accept me and is there for me. I recognize a lot of things in my life that make me happy. Things that have no dollar amount and have no substitutions. I've learned at an early age that looks, money, nice clothes, luxury period could be taken away just as easily as it's given. I look forward to how good the weather feels, a cold Red Stripe after a long day, an extended house mix cd. Shit that's so random but so right on time. Does that mean that my outlook on life is fabricated? Or because simple things make me smile, I want little out of life? I'm here to say differently. Money matters to me. Nice things in general are things I want in my life. But they aren't the things that keep me looking forward to another day. Being an aunt, a sister, a daughter, ect. is what defines me. Those are the things that I would fall for any day of the week.

My glass is always half full. And I'm always going to tell you that things will get better because they will. I'm a witness. The world needs people like me and maybe if the 'pity committee' had someone like me to tell them it's going to be ok, they wouldn't have such a bleak, dog-eat-dog mentality, constantly pointing out others faults. The whole concept is simple. Happiness is a choice that you ultimately make. Either celebrate the inconvenient or do something about it. I choose to be "happy" because I chose to believe there's something bigger than me. Something bigger than designer shoes and fancy cars. Thinking of my unborn children and all the people I plan on helping throughout my lifetime makes me smile.

I say I'm "happy" because I am. In my heart, I really am. And no, everyday doesn't go my way. But it's mine all the same to make into whatever I please. That could be either bad, with mishaps and sour expressions, or good with roller skating and family movie night. The choice is yours.

It's a shame that people don't believe that I am genuinely happy; with the way things turned out thus far. And for all of those who have so much hate in their hearts that they hope I'm less than what I am, can shove that shit where it don't shine.

In Pursuit of Happiness Whatever That Means.

this is what is means to me... what does it mean to you?